When They Sleep

Sshh...
Don't make any noise
Don't make the floorboards creak
Don't open the door with the rusty hinge
Don't cough
Don't sneeze
Just don't

Charles, our children are asleep
All of them
All five
They're all asleep

It's a miracle

Katie has given up reading until 3am
I never discouraged her for it
Partially because I was proud of her for doing something productive
And partially because of all the activities that keep our children up past their bedtime
At least that one can be done quietly

She used to read and then fall asleep at 4am on top of her book
One time she cried because her drool had made the last page of a book she loved
Completely indecipherable

When that happened I told her no more reading past bedtime
(I also told her Stuart Little goes back to live with the nice family
Just like in the movie.
Yes, I'm a liar, is that a shock to you, Charles?)

It was then that she quoted statistics to me, Charles
She had read somewhere that the odds of any student
Who is not in the top ten percent of their class
Getting into college by the time she's ready to go
Nearly a decade from now

Our little ten-year-old was horrified that maybe she wouldn't be smart enough
To get into a good college

I could kill everyone at Time magazine
And whoever would give someone her age Time magazine

Eight years from now
There could be flying cars
And talking German shepherds
Why are they bothering even talking about it?

I took Katie aside and quietly told her
That of all our children
She was probably the only one who was going to pursue higher education
Rather than a career as a tattoo artist or a game show host

I know mothers shouldn't say things like that
But with Katie being the brightest
I knew she'd figure it out on her own anyway

Now she's asleep

Charles Jr. didn't sleep because he claims he's a vampire
Not just any vampire, but King Vampire
I told him vampires don't have Kings
And he tried to bite my neck
Not because he was mad at me
But because he wants me to live in the Afterworld with him
Not because he couldn't bear to be without me once he dies
But rather so that there will be someone to make him pancakes with the smiley syrup face

I'd like to take this opportunity to mention, Charles
That on the issue of whether or not
We should have let Charles Jr. watch "Interview with the Vampire"
I have won, hands down

He now insists on not going to school
For fear the sunlight will burn the skin off his face
If he has the type of skin you had when you were his age
It might do him some good to get a fresh start

I don't tell him this of course

He stays awake with his hands crossed over his chest
He keeps the lid to one of my pots under shirt little pajama shirt
Over his heart
In case Van Helsing decides he wants to take out
The eight-year-old King Vampire
While the little nipper is still young

I'd be amused
If not for the fact that I spent three hours
Making tomato sauce for dinner yesterday
(Not because it's difficult
But because I am, as you know
That incompetent in the kitchen)
And the little biter wouldn't eat it because it had garlic in it

That, Charles, is not amusing

Finally I told him that the King Vampire was the King
Because he could stand being awake in sunlight
Only if he slept soundly all night long
And ate at least one vegetable a night at dinner
(Why no throw that in there and kill another bird with a fabricated stone?)

Luckily for me, Charles Jr. is very much like Charles Sr.
Easy to deal with once you stroke his ego
He liked the idea that he could do things other vampires couldn't
But he's still wearing his vampire crown to bed with him
Being a parent is all about negotiating, I suppose

Now he's asleep

Meghan won't sleep because she's interviewing imaginary friends
On an imaginary late night talk show
Complete with imaginary late night talk show producers
Who she is not friends with, because that wouldn't be professional
I have no idea where she learned about television producers
But I have a hunch her father...that would be you
Let her stay up late one night and watch Letterman

Bravo, Charles

She now throws a fit in the supermarket
If I don't buy People magazine for her
So she can look up new imaginary friends
Who are only imaginary in the sense that she knows nothing about them
But interviews them on a nightly basis
From the comfort of her bedroom

Last night I walked by her room at 2am
After doing my twelfth load of laundry
Because I have to throw everything in the dryer twice
Since someone refuses to call an actual repairman...that would be you

I walked by her bedroom
And heard her asking someone named Jill
When she and Trevor were finally going to tie the knot
There was a pause while she listened to the imaginary answer
Then she instructed her producer to go to a clip of Jill's latest movie
Which apparently had a bit of nudity in it
That Jill felt was fine, because it was all done with integrity

I comforted myself
With the upside
That Meghan now knows
What "integrity" means
Or maybe she doesn't
Since there is no such thing
As integral film nudity

I solved that problem
By telling Meghan
That I got a call from the network
And they loved her so much
They were moving her to the more competitive realm
Of daytime television
And now everyday at 2pm
She does a lovely little program
From the basement

She's even gotten a co-host
Who she calls Christie
And who apparently is a little too right-wing
Because yesterday I heard them arguing about stem-cells

Now she's asleep

Persia won't sleep because she wants to talk
She wants to talk all the time
About things I don't want to talk about
I'll be putting her to bed
And she'll zing me with a little gem like

"When you and Daddy made me--where were you?"

Yes, Charles, all the questions are about sex

Some little boy in her class
Has even been giving her pointers
On her sexual vocabulary

She tried to fake sick today
By saying her vulva hurt
Afterwards it was I who was sick, Charles
Not her, I can assure you

The only way I could get her to stop asking questions at night
And go to sleep so Mommy and Daddy could sleep
Not have sex, ironically
(No, I didn't actually say that!)
Was to promise I would answer any questions
After school, once I had knocked back a few glasses of wine
Before the bus pulls up to drop off our little brood

Today I got the following queries--

1) How many babies can I have before someone stops me?
2) Should I marry someone tall?
3) Will my boobs be bigger than yours?
4) Can I do something about my boobs if they're not bigger than yours?

(I tried making her call them something else, but she insists on her own terms during these Q&A's as part of our deal)

And finally--

5) When you and Daddy made all of us, was it fun?

I couldn't help but laugh at that last one
Was it fun?
I don't remember three of the--
Let's call them 'experiences'
And the ones I do remember
Both happened in order to get you
To do the dishes and make me risotto

I'm terrified she's going to tell her teacher
About one of our sessions
At which point I'm sure D.C.Y.F will show up
And from that point on
She can ask her foster mother
What a 'fallopian tube' is

Either way, now she's asleep

Then there's little Liam
Who won't sleep in his own bed
This was where I thought I would break
After all, it's not a matter of not sleeping
But where he sleeps

He still wants to sleep next to his mother
And to be honest, Charles
That's an argument I couldn't find much wrong with
After all, he is still so young
Why shouldn't he want to cuddle up next to me?

But I told myself that all the other kids went in their own beds
By the time they were Liam's age
Mostly because they got knocked out
As each progressive child came along
And now that had to happen to Liam
Even though absolutely NO new child will be coming along

It broke my heart the first time I put him in his own bed
And walked out of his bedroom
I heard him say--
'No Momma, no go'
And I felt like I had just burned him with an iron intentionally
I felt like the worst mother in the world
And also scared, because what if he really couldn't live without me?

What if everyone died off except the two of us
And we were like Norman Bates and his skeletal mother
With cats and rocking chairs and ugly nightgowns?

But there he is, Charles
Fast asleep
And smiling

When they sleep
I forget everything they put me through during the day
I forget the questions and the neck bites and the bargains
To get them to this place
I just look at them and know I would do unspeakable things
To keep them safe

I would run over puppies
I would throw infants out of windows
I would throw myself out of a window
Anything to protect them
And make them happy little people

When they sleep
I don't think I'm such a bad mother
Even though the dishes aren't done
Their school uniforms aren't washed for tomorrow
Their science projects look like meth labs
And their belief systems seem eerily similar to that of an Islamic terrorist

I don't care
Because I got them to sleep
I did something right
I mothered them

And Charles, it may not sound like much
But believe me, it's something
And if you don't appreciate it now
You will when you have to do it

Tomorrow