If You Can Hear Me

Augie?

Augie, can you hear me?
If you can hear me
Yell something out
Yell out Mom
I'll know you mean me
There isn't anybody else here
Besides me and Dad
So you can yell out Dad too
But I'd prefer it
If you spoke to me
Because I'm much calmer right now
Than your father is

Listen
If you're down there
If you can hear me
Don't touch anything
God knows what's in that well
But it can't be anything good
If you see something swimming
Float on your back
So that you look dead
In case it's some sort of predator

If it still bothers you
Then jab it in whatever eyes it has
No matter what it is
It'll have eyes
I promise

Augie?
Augie I can hear you whimpering
That's a good sign
It means you're hurt
But you're not dead
At least I'm assuming you're hurt
Maybe you're just scared
But there's absolutely no reason to be scared
Unless you swallowed some of the water down there
In which case
You should try to make yourself throw up
But throw up in a spot far away from you
Then swim away quickly
And try not to let any of the throw up
Come near you
Or it defeats the point
Of throwing up

I don't want you to swallow any bacteria
And don't move around too much
Or it might seep into your skin
If you notice your skin
Turning any kind of color
Start slapping at it
To try to get your circulation going

I don't know if that'll do anything
But it's worth a try

Don't be pleased with the color
Even if it's a pretty blue
Or a green
Or maybe a nice off-red
It doesn't matter
If it's not the color of skin
And I would say your skin
Is sort of a pinkish hue
If it's not that pinkish hue
Then start hitting yourself

Hit hard
Even if it hurts
You have to do it

I know it's probably dark down there
And you've been in the well for an hour or so
So the odds are
Your skin wouldn't be pinkish now anyway
But just make sure it doesn't turn
Some awful color
Because that wouldn't be good
That would probably lead to amputation
Which is what happens to little boys
Who insist on playing near a well
Even when their mothers tell them it's a bad idea
Even though their fathers say--

'Let him play. He's a kid.'

Oh, he's a kid all right
He's about to be a kid
With one arm, RONALD!

That was me talking to your father, Augie
But I'm still here
Mommy is still here

Let's try to use this
As a learning experience
All right?

Let's think about what we can learn
So that this debacle
Isn't completely unproductive

For one thing
We can learn about moss
There must be moss down there
Probably fungus too
I would imagine

See if you can identify
The different kinds of mosses
And fungi
And give them fun names
Like December Moss
Or Blue Fungi

Actually
Put your hand up against the fungi
And see if your skin tone matches it
If the answer is 'Yes' and it's Blue Fungi
Start the slapping

We've also learned
To listen to our mother
Haven't we?
When she tells us something?
When she begs us
Metaphorically on her knees
To stay away from dirty old wells
That are not like the wells we read about in Snow White
Where happy birds fly around it
And there are nice buckets
And pretty vines growing all--

To be honest with you, Augie
I think I know why you were tempted
That fairy tale makes wells seem so romantic
No wonder you disobeyed me
The temptation of the vines
Must have been too much for you

You don't deal well with temptation
You're like your father
I'll tell you allllllllll about that someday
Once you're older
Hopefully by then
You'll be out of the well

Hahaha...

Just a joke to lighten the mood
Humor is Mommy's defense mechanism
Just like how gin is Grandma Agnes'

Hahaha...

Dear God
I think I'm getting hysterical

Augie?
Can you hear me?
Can you still hear me?

Why aren't you whimpering anymore?
Has the pain gone away
Or have your limbs gone numb?
If they've gone number
You need to move around
Not enough to attract
Whatever might be swimming the water
But enough to get your blood going

Practice your dog paddle
Another productive use of time
Or just wave your hands in the air

RONALD!

That was not the time to say--

'Like you just don't care!'

I don't care if it was spontaneous
I'm nearly hysterical
And you're turning into LL Master Fresh!

Augie?
Can you hear me?

If you can hear me
Say my name
Say Mommy
Mommy!

Augie!

Mommy!

Hello!

Oh, thank God
You're such a brave boy
My brave little boy

Just keep saying 'Mommy'
Keep saying 'Mommy'
And everything will be all right

And maybe next time
You'll listen