-- I had so much fun writing my first Mrs. Brugel note, that I wanted to write another one. But rather than have her beat up on the third graders again, I thought I'd move up a level. No, I am not writing about any community theater I've worked with, but perhaps some of you can identify with the experience of dealing with a Mrs. Brugel. If so, my heart bleeds for you. --
Hello Everyone!
Welcome to the Paladin Community Theater's first rehearsal for "Murder Me a Little: Sondheim's Most Violent Songs." We at the Paladin were going to do Sweeney Todd, but we couldn't get the rights, so "Murder Me..." it is!
I know that my casting has sent waves throughout the community, and I would like to say I'm sorry for the trouble it's caused, but truth be told, I'm not. My choreographer Reza and I, who are NOT lovers, by the way, but merely artistic collaborators and spiritual soul partners, labored long and hard over these choices, and we are fully satisfied with the cast we've chosen.
This is my first time directing community theater. After years of directing award-winning elementary school plays--my third grade "Pajama Game" was called "inappropriately frisky!" by the Noll Elementary P.T.A, and I took that as a compliment!--It feels great to sink my teeth into an adult production--speaking of sinking teeth in, Mr. Toyd, I'm wondering if instead of Sweeney slicing his victim's throats--we're a little short on razors--could he just chomp down on them like a vampire? How intense that would be, and a lovely metaphor for how hungry he is for his own daughter's virginity--or is that the Judge? Well, we can't call them any of their proper names anyway or risk being sued, so--
All that being said, I have been informed by the board of the PCT that I MUST explain the reasoning behind my cast list in order to smooth over some rough edges that some of you have--and I'm not talking about Mrs. Winchester's forehead--hahaha--I have to try and rationalize my decisions, which is a little bit like trying to capture a rainbow in a little tin cup with a lid over it.
But try I shall!
The role of Singer #1, who will be singing all of Sweeney's songs, clearly had to be someone with a deep, rich baritone and a notable bloodlust. Now, I know that a few months ago I promised Richard Ronnagan the role of Singer #1, but truth be told, Richard, I may have stretched the truth a little bit there. After all, I knew if I told you that I was just going to toss you in the Ensemble in favor of Eman Halek Nojave--am I pronouncing that right Eman?--I knew you'd go do "Godspell" over in Buke County, and then who would I have to hit the high notes? Maury Chestleton? Not unless the board permits castration! Hahaha--they don't, do they? Oh, just checking.
Sooo maybe, some might say, it's possible, that I screwed over poor Richard sans Almanac. Screwjobs are what theater is all about. Promising someone something time after time, ensuring them that you're looking out for them, telling them you hate everyone but them and that nobody is talented compared to them--and then pulling the rug out from under their feet and watching them dissolve into a little puddle of devastation before your eyes--I'm sorry, but isn't that what theater is built on?
Oh sure. Some of you might say that theater is about building art as part of a community of collaborators who work towards the best production possible, and maybe that's why you're sitting in the ensemble instead of in Eman's chair right now.
Keep in mind, everyone, this is Eman's last year with the PCT. Do you really want him leaving without an appropriate final role? Oh, I know he said he was leaving last year, and that's how he got the lead vocalist in "We Could Have Sung All Night: An Evening of Mostly Lerner." But he ended up deciding to stick around, and now this year is DEFINITELY his last, and so we have to celebrate accordingly. Granted, this is also Richard's last year, but Richard just didn't do it for me the way Eman did. Now, I'll admit that few men do it for me the way Eman does. I have a thing for men whose names I can't pronounce. That doesn't take away from the fact that Reza and I decided to go with Mr. Nojave, and you all need to rally around that screwjob--I mean decision. Because if you don't, it could hurt the whole production. Nothing hurts a production like negative energy. Some might say bad casting, nepotism, or a bad eye for talent hurts productions, but it doesn't. Negative energy does.
Next we come to the role of Singer #2, who will be singing most of Mrs. Lovett's songs, and that song from Dick Tracy that Madonna sang wearing that gorgeous necklace, similar to the one Reza bought me for my birthday this year. I know all of you were very upset by the fact that I gave Amy Marie Montgomery the role considering that she had a lead last year, and the year before, and the year--Well, you get the point. But why should I give someone new a chance when I KNOW that Amy can do such a good job, as she's done in the past. Someone new might make mistakes. They might be nasty to work with, or just plain not-talented! I simply can't take a risk like that. Mr. Bob Heffington, the former director here at PCT, and my beloved uncle, just loved Amy Marie, and I concur with him on that one, or I would, if he weren't in Boca Raton directing what is sure to be a fabulous production of "I'm Not Rappaport."
I am aware that Amy Marie has quit every show she's done at least twice. I am aware that she's constantly late for rehearsals and call times. I'm aware that she pulled out most of Lydia Satter's hair when Lydia made the unfortunate mistake of walking in front of her during a production number. But talent must be catered to, ladies and gentlemen. None of the greats were easy-going folk. Do you think Charles Nelson Reilly was a walk in the park? Do you think Mary Martin didn't pull out some hair in her day? Trust me, she did.
Amy Marie is a dynamo. And I can't go giving her roles that don't challenge her talent and her bipolar disorder! I have to step up just as she always steps up in every show that's been done here. Back when I was merely the Treasurer of the PCT, Amy and I shared many close moments together...Many, many, intimate moments together. I know that girl can do things that...many of you are...not...aware...she can do. Enough said.
Reza? Reza where are you--?
It's okay. She's prone to temper tantrums when I talk about...past actresses...I've worked on--with! Worked with in the past, yes.
Finally, we come to the role of Little Boy. That was when I was really challenged as an objective observer, because who should walk into my little rinky dink audition but Cooper St. John, whom I have directed in many productions at my elementary school. To say Cooper St. John has the ability to become the next Mario Lopez would be an understatement. He is a revelation at anything he attempts, but still, I had to sit through boy after boy after boy--and even some girls, who clearly have gender identity issues that I think should be explored in intense therapy sessions. I could have pretended that I love those tone deaf little boys as much as I love Cooper, but why lie? Hadn't I already lied to Richard? Wasn't that enough deception for one production?
So Cooper St. John got the role. And can any of you really say you're upset? If an ten-year-old Lawrence Olivier walked through the door, would you tell me not to cast him? Perhaps some of you would--those sitting in the chairs marked--Offstage Singing Chorus.
We're going to start this sing-through now, and I hope all of your questions have been answered. Theater is a cruel and ugly place, and it's better all of you know that now. I should mention that if I find out that any of you had the gaul to challenge my cast list, then you will move out of your little Ensemble chairs and out the door.
Is that clear?
Excellent.
Now.
How many tenors do we have?
Oh...
They all quit?
Well.
You just can't count on anybody being professional nowadays.
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