Felicia and the Other Woman

-- A monologue about a wife confronting the other woman? Snore. I believe in letting Grandma do the dirty work. --

Yes, I'm here to see Mr. Turner
I have an appointment with him at two thirty

Yes, I'm aware that it's only two
No, I'm not usually early
If anything, I'm usually late

I wanted to get here early
To have a talk with you
Miss Bretton

No, I do not need to sit down
This won't take that long
What I have to say is fairly simple

Stay away from my son

Don't act all doe-eyed and stupid
Your mother used to try to put on that look
When she was stealing other people's husbands
I didn't buy it when she used it
And I certainly am not buying it off of you

Although
You could stand to bat your lashes a little less
It takes away from the overall effect

I know you've been making eyes at Gregory
Sometimes right in front of Sandra
Probably just for the thrill of it

My first idea
Was to show up here
And slap you so hard
You'd have a scarlet cheek
For months

But then I calmed down
And told myself that I could reason with you
However, from the way
You're crossing your arms
I can see I might need to take off my glove

Don't you dare insinuate
That I should mind my own business
My son is my business
My daughter-in-law is my business
My grandchildren are my business
And none of them are your business

You have attempted
To insert yourself
Into a happy marriage
Into a lovely family

And if you think
I'm going to stand by
And let you do it

If you think
I'm going to twiddle my thumbs
Like some old biddy
And hope Sandra has the strength
To fight you off on her own
While my family name
Gets dragged into scandal
You're dumber than you look

Sandra doesn't know how to handle women like you
That's something you learn with age
Gregory's father liked to play around
Trust me, Miss Bretton
I've snapped twigs bigger than you
In my time

One of them being your mother

She couldn't keep her legs closed either
And I can see she taught her daughter
The family trade

I suppose you remember
When she walked around town
Nursing that broken arm of hers
Like a little injured bird

Who do you think broke that arm?
I would have broke the other one
But some brave soul at the supermarket
Pulled me off of her

I hope you haven't gotten as far as she got
With my Herbert
But even if you have
It doesn't make any difference

Because as of now, you're stopping

Sandra may be a twit
A bad cook
A lousy housekeeper
And an indulgent mother
But she's still married to Gregory
And that means she's family

Which means you're not

And I only protect
Family

And I did not pay
All the money I paid
For Gregory's wedding
To see it lead to a divorce

I didn't have doves flown in
All the way from God-knows-where
I didn't have a seven-layer cake constructed
Each with a different fruit coating
I didn't have Sandra's dress
Refitted five times because she kept gaining weight

All to have it lead to a dissolved marriage

Because Sandra is not me
She may be a pushover
But not when it comes to this

She was in my house
Crying this morning
Over you and your little activities

Saying she was going to leave Gregory
And I believe she'll do it too
And take half his money
In other words, my money
My husband's money
While she's at it

And I couldn't even really blame her

I should have left Herbert
When he was playing Casablanca
With your mother
But I didn't have the strength
And we were halfway through
Remodeling the kitchen

I told Sandra I'd take care of you
And that's what I plan on doing

Oh?
You don't plan on stopping?
And what am I going to do about it?

I wonder how Mrs. Turner would feel
Knowing her husband's secretary is a homewrecker?
The Turners have been friends of mine for a long time
As are the London's, the Brown's, the Hennings'...

Well, I think you get the point

And if scornful looks and nasty gossip
Don't do the trick
I got a real big pitchfork
And a torch that lights up quite nicely

So it's up to you
Miss Bretton

I just hope you're as smart as your mother
She knew when to quit