What We Have When We're Not Having Sex

-- I rarely write monologues for straight male characters, because as a gender and a sexuality, they're mostly a mystery to me, but then I had an actor express an interest in working with me, and I thought I'd better give it a go. --

"What We Have When We're Not Having Sex"

When we don't have sex
We can have board game time
We can play Monopoly
We can get angry at losing at Monopoly
Angrier than we should be
Losing at a board game
Angrier because we're playing a board game
Rather than having sex

At least, that's why I'm angry

When we don't have sex
We can eat larger meals
Dinner can become longer
Hours longer, in fact
We can have nine courses
Casseroles can occur
Cheesecakes, two different kinds
Even canape before the meal
Like we're the fucking Vanderbilts
This is all possible
We can have all this
When we don't have sex

We can watch television
We can watch animals fuck
On the Discovery Channel
And feel jealous of them

Melanie, I never thought I'd see the day
Where I'd be envious of a hippo
But watching it mount its mate
So confidently and with no resistance
Made me resent you so much more
Than I already do

We can read when we're not having sex
We can have intellectual discussions
About which Anne Rice book we like more
Long, spirited discussions
About whether The Vampire Lestat
Is better than The Witching Hour
That's right, Melanie
We can argue over witches and vampires
We just can't argue about not having sex
Because then you cry
And I feel bad
And we sleep
And life is hell

We can have quiet time when we're not having sex
Not like when we were in our honeymoon phase
Where I would be sitting on the couch one second
And the next you'd be straddling me
Knocking over photos of us in the Cayman Islands
Knocking over knick knacks and pictures of my mother
Knocking over things just to knock them over
While we screamed out each other's names
Like we were summoning spirits from another world

Now, we can be peaceful
We can nap, if we want to
Which I never do
You can vacuum
I can do crossword puzzles
This is what we can have
When we're not having sex

We can take in foreign films
The other night we were watching some Indian film
With sexy Indian women
Dancing around in their saris
Singing in another language
At one point, I stopped reading the subtitles
And imagined that they were singing
About how much they wanted to have sex with me

I dreamed they were going--

George, George, George
You have reason to be fed up
Your wife doesn't want you
There's nothing in the cup

(You try rhyming 'up', Melanie, it's difficult)

You turned to me at one point during the movie
And said, and you were completely serious
'Isn't this better?'
At the time, I had no idea what you were talking about
Now I realize, you were talking about sex
You were asking if watching a Bollywood musical
Was better than sex

Melanie, no Bollywood musical is better than sex
Not even the most glamorous, whimsical, joyous Bollywood musical
Is better than sexual intercourse

As a matter of fact, I'll go farther
No movie is better than sex
Not even bad sex
The Godfather is not better than sex
Casablanca is not better than sex
Even the most realistic pornography is not better than actual sex

Nothing is better than sex

I'm tired of this
I'm tired of being made to feel
That I'm some sort of caveman
For wanting to have sex with my wife
I'm tired of getting dirty looks
For giving you...a different kind of dirty look
I'm tired of being pushed away
I'm tired of Monopoly
And Hippos fucking and cocktease singing Indian girls in saris!

I know how I sound
I sound like a typical, insensitive
Horny husband
Who makes his wife feel bad
For not satisfying his exorbitant sexual appetite

Maybe I am, Melanie
But I'll tell you something
I'm not going to apologize for thinking my wife is beautiful
I'm not going to apologize for wanting to have sex with my wife

I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH MY WIFE!

(Pause.)

I don't feel...
Attractive, anymore
I don't feel like you find me attractive
I feel like you must be sick of me

And that's...
If it were medical
I'd understand
I'd be fine with it

If it were psychological
If it was some issue you were grappling with
If it was just an overall loss of sexual urges
As a result of aging, something natural
I'd be fine, I would

But you say it's none of those things
You say you just don't want to
And that...
That I can't be fine with

...I want to have sex with my wife...

When we're not having sex
We're not who we were when we were in love
We're not happy people
We're not really married at all
We're just two people who sleep side by side
Looking up at our ceiling
The cracks that it has accrued
Over the years
Slowly breaking up into pieces
Like a glacier about to melt above our heads
And go off in different directions

That's what we have when we're not having sex