The day has just begun
Shower with your boyfriend
But don't fool around
You've both got work to get done
And being punctual's important
Being professional's important
And sex is not important
Mr. Young Professional
Get the ties on
Button up
Hair gel
Floss, twice if you have to
Kiss the boy, if you have to
See you tonight
Pick up dinner
And let's not fight like we did last night
Okay?
Okay
You got a big meeting today
With the boss of somewhere
Someplace fancy
Memos and watercooler chat
About last night's episode
Of some boring tv show
That you got to watch
Because you didn't go out
Cause you had to be up
Look at you, you're an adult
Look at you, you're mature
Look at you
Making money
Taking meetings
Climbing the ladder
Just like your dad
Who also cheated
Like you want to cheat
But won't
So you're not a cheater
Just someone who wants to cheat but won't
Which is ultimately nobler, but also much sadder
That's you
Mr. Young Professional
Now me, I have a degree
In something I love to do
But I'm not you
I can go out all night
And with a cup of coffee at eight
I can be good as new
I can fool around with any guy
And keep my sense of pride
You lay on one side of your bed
Your boyfriend on the other
And you jerk yourselves to sleep
While thinking of theater guys
You'd rather be dating
Keep masturbating
But be done before nine thirty
So you can start your day again
Mr. Young Professional
Throw dinner parties
With all your friends
Where you talk about recent goals completed
That new loft apartment furnished by IKEA
The new wardrobe with stupid t-shirts
You wear to be ironic
And the new twenty-two year old one of you's dating
And all of you want to be fucking
Who sits at the kiddie table eating his fish sticks
Waiting to go back to the loft, put on one of your t-shirts
Go out and make out with somebody else
At some little club
You're too old and tired to go to
Hey, what's it like to be old at twenty-five?
To give up on being alive when you've only just started
What's it like voting Republican for people who hate you
I'd debate you on your political leanings but I have better things to do
With my time, breath, and mental capacity
Oh, you're a social liberal, but a conservative economist
So let the poor starve but let you get blowjobs when you want them
Aren't you priceless
Pardon the pun
What's it like to celebrate your birthday
Surrounded by people who remember when
You were strung out and hung over just like the rest of us
Poor, like the rest of us
In shitty relationships and shithole apartments
Just like the rest of us
What's it like to blow out your candles
When four years ago
You were getting blown in your car
After hours on a Monday
By a college freshman with no class the next day
Good thing that's not you anymore
Good thing you've discovered fiscal responsibility
And an S.U.V.
A balanced way of living
And a flat screen tv
Good thing you can take your Mom shopping
Watch the Superbowl and act like you care
Turn down boys who aren't as successful as you
Any boy who would dare to think that being smart
Is impressive enough
Sure, you don't read anything other than Esquire magazine
But you can buy the best jeans from the flagships in New York
On weekly trips to visit your friends
And fuck around without worrying about your local pals knowing
What you do when you're in the big city
"God, I can't wait to take a break from the scene"
So you go to P-Town
Which, correct me if I'm wrong, is the fucking Mecca of the Scene
Sure, you don't laugh as much as you used to anymore
And you don't feel compassion half as much
Or passionate really at all
Your student loans won't go away
But the paydays are greater
So spend freely and deny those whose cars
Can't go as fast as yours
Look at you, Mr. I'm-A-Big-Boy-Now
With your ugly boyfriend you'll stay with for ten years
Until you both freak out and go back to fucking men half your age
What'll it be like to have a mid-life crisis at thirty?
Not fun, I'm guessing
When you're messing around
Getting drunk again
Confessing old sins to new boys
Who are just looking to repress their Daddy issues
And you'll be anything but young
But still, you'll get to work on time
And the cars will be nice
And the trips will be frequent
And you'll never have wasted time with a guy who adored you
Except for the nights when he floored you by blowing
Your mind with his unwinding thoughts that can't be had
In cubicles, corner offices, or even coffeeshops
You'll say you went Bohemian
And that was a phase
Never knowing you gave up
More than you got
And you won't just drink yourself asleep
You'll drink alone, and live alone
And swim in your coins like Scrooge McDuck
Wondering what the fuck ever made you so impressive
I'll wonder too
Why I was jealous of you
When you're more of a theater guy
Than I ever could be
Your life-long performance
Absolute quality
Consider all this
Applause from me
Mr. Young Professional
Shower with your boyfriend
But don't fool around
You've both got work to get done
And being punctual's important
Being professional's important
And sex is not important
Mr. Young Professional
Get the ties on
Button up
Hair gel
Floss, twice if you have to
Kiss the boy, if you have to
See you tonight
Pick up dinner
And let's not fight like we did last night
Okay?
Okay
You got a big meeting today
With the boss of somewhere
Someplace fancy
Memos and watercooler chat
About last night's episode
Of some boring tv show
That you got to watch
Because you didn't go out
Cause you had to be up
Look at you, you're an adult
Look at you, you're mature
Look at you
Making money
Taking meetings
Climbing the ladder
Just like your dad
Who also cheated
Like you want to cheat
But won't
So you're not a cheater
Just someone who wants to cheat but won't
Which is ultimately nobler, but also much sadder
That's you
Mr. Young Professional
Now me, I have a degree
In something I love to do
But I'm not you
I can go out all night
And with a cup of coffee at eight
I can be good as new
I can fool around with any guy
And keep my sense of pride
You lay on one side of your bed
Your boyfriend on the other
And you jerk yourselves to sleep
While thinking of theater guys
You'd rather be dating
Keep masturbating
But be done before nine thirty
So you can start your day again
Mr. Young Professional
Throw dinner parties
With all your friends
Where you talk about recent goals completed
That new loft apartment furnished by IKEA
The new wardrobe with stupid t-shirts
You wear to be ironic
And the new twenty-two year old one of you's dating
And all of you want to be fucking
Who sits at the kiddie table eating his fish sticks
Waiting to go back to the loft, put on one of your t-shirts
Go out and make out with somebody else
At some little club
You're too old and tired to go to
Hey, what's it like to be old at twenty-five?
To give up on being alive when you've only just started
What's it like voting Republican for people who hate you
I'd debate you on your political leanings but I have better things to do
With my time, breath, and mental capacity
Oh, you're a social liberal, but a conservative economist
So let the poor starve but let you get blowjobs when you want them
Aren't you priceless
Pardon the pun
What's it like to celebrate your birthday
Surrounded by people who remember when
You were strung out and hung over just like the rest of us
Poor, like the rest of us
In shitty relationships and shithole apartments
Just like the rest of us
What's it like to blow out your candles
When four years ago
You were getting blown in your car
After hours on a Monday
By a college freshman with no class the next day
Good thing that's not you anymore
Good thing you've discovered fiscal responsibility
And an S.U.V.
A balanced way of living
And a flat screen tv
Good thing you can take your Mom shopping
Watch the Superbowl and act like you care
Turn down boys who aren't as successful as you
Any boy who would dare to think that being smart
Is impressive enough
Sure, you don't read anything other than Esquire magazine
But you can buy the best jeans from the flagships in New York
On weekly trips to visit your friends
And fuck around without worrying about your local pals knowing
What you do when you're in the big city
"God, I can't wait to take a break from the scene"
So you go to P-Town
Which, correct me if I'm wrong, is the fucking Mecca of the Scene
Sure, you don't laugh as much as you used to anymore
And you don't feel compassion half as much
Or passionate really at all
Your student loans won't go away
But the paydays are greater
So spend freely and deny those whose cars
Can't go as fast as yours
Look at you, Mr. I'm-A-Big-Boy-Now
With your ugly boyfriend you'll stay with for ten years
Until you both freak out and go back to fucking men half your age
What'll it be like to have a mid-life crisis at thirty?
Not fun, I'm guessing
When you're messing around
Getting drunk again
Confessing old sins to new boys
Who are just looking to repress their Daddy issues
And you'll be anything but young
But still, you'll get to work on time
And the cars will be nice
And the trips will be frequent
And you'll never have wasted time with a guy who adored you
Except for the nights when he floored you by blowing
Your mind with his unwinding thoughts that can't be had
In cubicles, corner offices, or even coffeeshops
You'll say you went Bohemian
And that was a phase
Never knowing you gave up
More than you got
And you won't just drink yourself asleep
You'll drink alone, and live alone
And swim in your coins like Scrooge McDuck
Wondering what the fuck ever made you so impressive
I'll wonder too
Why I was jealous of you
When you're more of a theater guy
Than I ever could be
Your life-long performance
Absolute quality
Consider all this
Applause from me
Mr. Young Professional
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