Bogie Rides Again

-- About two years ago, I went through a break-up. During that time, all I wanted to write about were people going through break-ups and coming out of them okay, to show myself that it was, in fact, possible. Most of those stories were, as you can imagine, not all that good. Writing should be therapeutic, but not therapy, and there is a difference. The only character I particularly liked that came out of that time was a guy named Bogie. I had the whole story in my head, but I was always too distraught to put it down on paper. This might be the beginning of him finally getting the whole story told. –

“Bogie Rides Again”

Hello Serge
This is your ex-boyfriend
James Bogart
The one who left your bedroom
Our bedroom
A mere twenty-four hours ago
Headed to the train station
So that he could return to Connecticut
Move back in with this parents
And marry a nice girl
Named Julia or Daphne

The plans have changed, Serge
I regret to inform you
That I am not hopping a train
To anywhere
Let alone Connecticut
I am staying right here in the city
And I am going to rise
Like a—

IS THAT A RAT?
AHHHHHHHHH
IS THAT A RAT?
WHAT IS THAT?

. . . . .

Oh
Sorry
Well I didn’t
Well who has hamsters
Past the age of twelve?

I apologize

Serge?
Are you still there?

I am staying
At the home
Of a lovely young man
Named Danny
Who I met at the train station
While I was weeping
Into my copy of Forbes

Danny is nineteen
Very intelligent
Very well-connected
And happens to be a man of the night
A hooker
If you need the layman’s term
And probably a very successful one
Since he’s nineteen
And can wear gym shorts
Without looking stupid

He’s going to be my new assistant
But he’s keeping his night job
Since at the moment
I can’t afford to pay him

That’s right, Serge
I’m going into business for myself
Most of our clients may not know it
But you know
You know that I’m the one who kept the business going
I’m the one who designed the MacArthur wedding
I’m the one who put you on the map
I was doing floral arrangements at twenty
That would have put the ancient Babylonians to shame!

I was younger than Danny is now
When I met you

Danny
Put down the damn hamster!
It’s not a kitten
What?
Fine
Put down Maurice
Please

By the way, Serge
We are not sleeping together
I, unlike you, do not have a taste
For toddlers

We will be physically sleeping together
Since Danny’s entire apartment
Is comprised of a hamster cage and a futon
But nothing sexual will be happening
Because I am beyond men now
I have transcended mortal relationships
I am a man on a mission, Serge

I was seventeen
When I snuck into that club
And you took me home
Ten years later
I’m a toss-off
I’m over
At twenty-seven
Life is over

Well
I refuse to believe that
I did believe it
A few hours ago
When I was at another bar
Trying to hit on anyone and everyone
Begging barflies to call me pretty
Trying to find ‘Sad Songs Say So Much’
On a five-record jukebox
That was me a few hours ago
But that’s not me now

Now I’m the old me
I’m the seventeen-year-old me
The ones with balls and a sixpack
Who could get whatever he wanted
When he wanted it
Who could talk anybody into anything
Just like I talked that landlord
Into letting us have our first office
Rent free for six months
Just like I talked Penny MacArthur into letting us do her wedding
Even though bigger firms were clamoring for the privilege
Just like I talked you into doing full-on event planning
Rather than just bits and pieces of it
For more trouble and less pay

That’s who I am
That’s who you’re up against

By the time you get this message
I will be calling all my clients
Our clients
And telling them exactly what you did
Every time you did one of their functions
Showed up and looked dapper
And what I did
Ate bad cake until I found ones I liked
Sweat blood until I got the right salsa band
And flirted with ugly caterers
So that the client could get a discount

You don’t know shit about event planning, Serge
I made you everything you are
And you tried to throw me away
For a cuter arm towel
From Brazil

FROM FUCKING BRAZIL!

Great
Now Maurice just peed on me
I had to hold him
Because Danny needed to go out on the fire escape
And pee
Something about the toilet not—

I am aware
That I am at the bottom
That I have hit rock bottom
But mark my words
I will rise, Serge
I will rise to your level
And I will surpass you
And when I do
You still may not regret
What you’ve done
But you will regret
Doing it the way you did

. . . . .

I gave you everything
Everything I had
Every good year
I might have had
To do something
With my life
I gave you

And now I’m getting it all back
Now you’re going to sweat blood

Because you’re ten years older than I am
Which means I have plenty of time
To catch up to you

Mark my words, Serge
I’m like one of those old cowboys
James Bogart is the new John Wayne
I will ride again

Goodnight

Oh
And change the outgoing voicemail
On the office mailbox

Let them know
There is no more Bogie and Serge

Click