Let Me Out

It's dangerous to name a play 'Let Me Out'
You can hear the reviews
'Let Me Out...Cried the Audience'
Critics are--Well, I used to be one
Do with that information what you will

Miguel wanted me to change the name
He wanted me to call it something uplifting
Something like 'Wings of Angels'
I told him that sounded like a Hallmark Card
You give to someone whose grieving

Then he suggested I call it 'Alas de Angeles'
Which you might like
Until you realize it's 'Wings of Angels' in Spanish
Miguel thinks everything sounds better in Spanish
I think any English play with a foreign title is pretentious
And because I'm the playwright, I win

So I'm calling it 'Let Me Out'

Some people think that means the play is about escaping
And in a way, it is
But probably not in the way they think
After Kyle left, all I wanted to do was escape
But I couldn't figure out from what

I've always loved living in Boston
Never thought about moving anywhere
But without Kyle the city seemed so unfriendly
I would go somewhere, sit down, then get up and leave
One night I walked out on a table full of friends
I didn't say anything
I just got up and left

The sad part?
They didn't even notice
I don't blame them
Get a group of gay men together
And any one of them is only going to be focused
On the one there they want to sleep with
Call me a self-hater, but it's true
I walked through the nasty part of a nasty neighborhood
Back to my car looking very dapper
Ay-kay-ay quite muggable
And nobody even noticed I had gone

I suppose they were used to letting Kyle worry about those things
My little temper tantrums
My outbursts
My grand exits
Those were his territory
And after he left, nobody seemed to want to pick up the slack

It was very...disconcerting

Part of me hoped I would get mugged
I wanted Kyle to read that in the morning paper
While that little shithead fed him his daily bagel
'Notable Playwright, Newly Heartbroken, Mugged and Killed on the Street Like a Dog"
He'd probably still eat the bagel

I got home that night and opened all the windows
The heat was blasting and I was probably costing myself a fortune
But it didn't seem to matter
I wanted heat and air, and I didn't want to choose
I wanted heat, air, cold, warmth, silence, and noise
Filling my too-large apartment
So that I didn't feel like what I was
A tired, middle-aged man
Sad and single

Miguel comes over every day with Rachel
My brother is a good man and a terrific father
But as a guru, he comes up short
He keeps telling me to hook up
Have a fling
It'll help, he says

I don't want a fling
I'm too old and tired for flings
I'd end up making the new guy start
Where Kyle and I left off
I'd want a weekend on the Cape
After two dates with him
Whoever he might be

Miguel keeps wanting to read the play
But not until I agree to change the title
I say no to both
Because deep down I know it's not really a play
It's just an epic series of demands
Sometimes long, rambling passages
Sometimes bad imagery
Sometimes the same thing repeated over and over

Let me out
Let me out
Let me out

I read it out loud
Hoping I can will it into being

Let me out of this body
And into one twenty years younger
The one that I had when I was seventeen
When I squandered my youth
On older men who were only too happy
To aid in the pillaging

Let me out of this age
Where I'm cynical and bitchy
Where I'm not sure I can love unconditionally
With what I've seen and what I know
Take me away to upsides and positive thinking
Don't let me see another day forward
Until I've learned what I have to from today

Let me out of this grief
Stop the crying
Why must human beings cry when they're hurt?
Why can't they just laugh?
Laughing would be tolerable
Crying is so...visible
People can see it when you've been crying
Take me where the grief is manageable
Because it's out of sight

Let me out of this loss
Show me a place where I understand
That this had to happen
And that there was nothing I could do to stop it
Or take me back to before Kyle
At the very least make me hate his family and friends
So that I don't feel like I've lost them too

Let me out
Let me out
Let me out

I wanted to be tacky
And have the whole thing set in a prison
But I wrote three pages
And already had nine sex scenes
Before I realized what I was doing
It was clear that I was merely writing an episode of 'Oz'
A very, very dirty episode of 'Oz'

I scrapped the whole thing
And just kept up the begging

Let me out
Let me out
Let me out

How amazing
That I could feel so trapped
By things that aren't even tangible
That my home could feel so cold
And not just because all the windows are open
That my brother could become a nuisance
Because he forced me to eat something
After three days of starving myself

Who did I let myself become?
Why do I want to stay like this?
Was I that wrapped up in him?
Why hasn't he unraveled too?

Maybe he got a head start on me
Miserable bagel-eating bastard
I hope he chokes on it

.....

Let me out
Let me out
Let me out

I turn thirty-five next week
I'm celebrating by walking into a river
With a stone tied to my leg

Just kidding

Do you want to hear a funny story?

Last night, I yelled it out of the window
I yelled, Let me out
Over and over again
And for a few minutes
I didn't hear anything

In the face of my voluble insanity
The city decided to keep quiet
And then, from about a street down
I heard someone yell

'Let yourself out!'

What's the expression?

Ask and ye shall receive