A Simple Choice

--  Let's try something a little less sweet --

"A Simple Choice"

They told me that if I got rid of Elyse

That I could get the cover

They said they couldn't sell me

Not on the cover, anyway

Not being on the cover

Like right there, you know?

Not if I had Elyse

Because, like

Teenage girls

They hear you're married

And it's like, okay

Kill the fantasy, you know?

Because even though

There's no way

I would get with a teenage girl

Not even a really hot one

I really can't even begin to pretend

That I could get with EVERY teenage girl

So the only obvious solution

Is to sort of remain chaste

And act like I never have sex

Or do anything wrong

And I mean, I never did have sex

Until I got married

Because I believe in the power

Of matrimonial unions

But when they told me

That I would have to get rid of Elyse

It seemed like such a simple choice

You know what I mean?

I had to choose Elyse

If it were a movie

Everybody in the audience

Would be yelling at me

CHOOSE ELYSE!

So that's what I did

Because that's how I gauge my decisions

I pretend I'm in a movie

And then I do what the hero would do

Because, like, he's the hero

So I chose Elyse

And that was, like, three years ago

And um, I guess looking back

It wasn't, really...

The best decision

Because, I mean, if I had gotten the cover

I would have been famous

And I mean, I would have missed Elyse

But I would have been missing her

And famous

Now, she's a total bitch

And I can't stand her

And I want a divorce

And I'm pretty sure I like boys

And I'm not even famous

So I mean, what the what, you know?

Simple choice?

Not so much

You know?

I guess I've been watching the wrong movies

I need to watch more complicated movies or something

Like, independent movies

Where people do bad things

Like leave their bitches

So they can be famous

And have mad sex with other gay famous people

Who might be more prone

To doing it with guys who can be discreet

You know?

It's just like--

I would have missed her

But I would have had money

I would have had a hit single

I would have been on the COVER

And that stuff never goes away

Fame?

Yeah, it goes away

But money doesn't

As long as you're not stupid

And watch how much coke you do

You know, budget yourself

But wives?  They go away

They go away before they even leave

And you're laying in bed

Hard cause you just watched The Soup

And Joel McHale...God, you know?

And she's laying there

And you're like--

I could have been on TEEN FUCKING MAGAZINE

IF NOT FOR YOU, YOU DUMB BITCH

And that would have been FOREVER

FOREVER, you know?

But I chose her

I gambled

I gambled on love

And I lost

Man, did I lose

Like, hardcore

It was a simple choice

It was such an easy choice

When you think about it

And I just chose wrong

That's all there is to it