The Party I Didn't Want to Go To

-- I often write about things that bug me, and then I make fun of the fact that they bug me. The title is very literal. I found out about a party I didn't want to go to, and then got upset when I wasn't invited. Sometimes even I'm amazed at how ridiculous I can be. --

"The Party I Didn’t Want to Go To"

Well
Well
Well

Look what we have here
Is this…?
Could this be…?
Am I imagining this…?

Is this…a party?

NOBODY COME NEAR ME!

I will not be touched
Not by any of you
I will not be hugged
I will not be 'HEY!'ed
I will not be pacified

As if I was asked to be here
By you Benedict Arnolds
How dare you

HOW DARE YOU!

Is that my dip on the table?
Did somebody make my dip?
That is MY meringue salsa dip
And I am taking it with me
Somebody get me a Ziploc bag!

I know why I wasn’t invited
I’m not stupid
Contrary to popular belief
I’m in the loop
I mean
Obviously not in the loop enough
To be invited
To this little Shithead Shindig
You all are throwing

MARGARET ANNE!

Do NOT leave this room
Nobody leaves this room
Until I have said
What I want to say

WHAT?

Oh
Yeah
Go get that Ziploc bag
I permit that
That’s okay

BUT NOBODY ELSE!

So why was I not invited
I’m entertaining suggestions
Since all of you would know
You’re here after all
You’re having a grand old time
You’re eating my salsa
You’re laughing at jokes
Where I’m probably the punchline
You’re giving head in the guest bedroom
If you’re Emily Parker you are anyway

Can anyone tell me
Why I wasn’t invited?

Well here’s what I think

I think I wasn’t invited
Because of my recent break-up
With Pratt Navarelli
Who happens to be best friends
With Wes Post
Who happens to be throwing this party

So that was easy enough
No invite for me

But why
Oh why
Are all

MY FRIENDS

Here?

Let’s think about that one

Well
Emily wants Wes
So I know why she stayed silent
Gina wants my ex, Pratt
And Gina, you can have him
He makes love like a ferris wheel
You go around and around in circles
And most of the time
You wind up stuck at the top
Waiting to get down

Michelle can’t stand up for herself
Let alone anybody else
Peter loves seeing other people
Get cut from their social circles
Snide little queer that he is
And I want my SCARF back, Peter

The rest of you
I’m guessing
Are all just innocent bystanders

Mea culpa
All you lovely strangers

I did not realize
That when I lost my boyfriend
I would losing
My entire existence
My physical being
Ownership of my dips!

After all
Pratt and I only dated for a few weeks
I just thought we could back to the way things were
Now that I know there’s nothing a normal man can do for you
That chocolate and Jonathan Rhys-Meyers in Velvet Goldmine can’t

I didn’t imagine
The tidal wave
That would fall upon me
For daring
To break the heart
Of someone as beloved
As Pratt Navarelli

How could I?

Forget that Pratt was the one
Who started a rumor
About you in high school, Gina

He was the one who told people
You had extra toes
Because you had to wear those special shoes
For your foot correction

Why do you think everyone called you
Extra Extra?
Except for me
Because I was KINDHEARTED GODDAMIT!

Michelle
I’m guessing you bought all the liquor
For this party
Since that’s the only reason
Anyone invites you anywhere

Oops, did I say that out loud?

Put the brakes on the beer train
And watch the invites stop a’coming
‘Round that mountain, Michelle
I’ll bet on that little circumstance

As for Peter
He dated my cousin
Who told me
That Peter
Likes having salami rubbed on him
During lovemaking

Oops again!
Have I been drinking?
I think so!

Well
You all have fun
At your little party
I am going to go out
And find another party

A BETTER PARTY!

And I am taking my dip with me
I’m taking it to people who will enjoy it
And who will enjoy me
And who will not sit idly by
While someone they call their friend
Who has sat with them during THEIR breakups
Who has picked them up at parties
When they were too drunk to drive
Who bought their PLANE TICKETS TO ITALY!

MARGARET ANNE!
WHY AREN’T YOU BACK BY NOW?

To think you would let me sit home
And rot away
While you partied the night away

. . . . .

You know
I didn’t want to go to this party anyway

I was going to say no
When I was invited
When I heard about it
When I saw the invite on facebook
That nobody bothered to make private

I planned on hitting
‘Not Attending’
But then I didn’t get an invite
And that was when I knew I had to come

So I’m here
And I’m leaving
And I hope you all enjoy yourselves

Good luck finding something to dip your chips in
And I mean that in more ways than you think