Dividing Our Friends

So none of them want to choose
But they also don't want to have to split their time
Between the two of us
They have a hard enough time
Seeing us now
As a couple
Let alone separately
Like divorced parents

I think we should make it easier for them, Lindsey
I think we should be adult about this
And divide them up

I'll take Francesco and Geneva
You don't like their children
I don't either
But I love their summer house
And you sunburn easily

You can take Raquel and Don
I know you love borrowing outfits from Raquel
Though you might not be aware
That some of those gowns
Belong to Don
That stays between us

I'll take Philip and Maria
They're both annoying
But he's getting me into Pri-Tech
Her father practically runs Alton Corp
And neither one of them
Knows any good plastic surgeons
So I can't see what use they would be to you

You can have Terrence and Troy
I can't stand them
Not because they're gay
But because they're shriekers
Every time they see someone they know
They shriek and crack my glasses
It's like being greeted by two yipping chihuahuas
With bad comb-overs
You can have them
They'll comfort you in your distress

I want your brother
He's my best friend
And let's face it
He likes me better than you

You can have my mother
For all the same reasons

You can have Diego
I can't understand a word he says
With that ridiculous accent
And you want to sleep with him
So go ahead
That's why I'm taking Lucinda
We're both going to need to rebound
After all

Well

I'm glad we got that straightened out
We could have left them to their own devices
But they might have chosen wrong
Out of false loyalty
Or because they would have assumed
That you were the one who owns the yacht
When in fact, I do

We can do the bookshelves tomorrow
And the living room furniture the day after
Then we should be all set

Thank goodness we've always been clear
What was yours
And what was mine