When My Grandma Dies

-- Inspired by the tween girls outside the library having this discussion. --

"When My Grandma Dies"

When my grandma dies
I'm getting her oak cabinet
Because it means something
Like, not to me at all
Not that she cares

When she dies
My Mom gets all her dresses
Even though my grandma
Weighs, like
A million pounds more
Than my mom does
Because my mom
Got her Mom's
Metabolism

When my grandma dies
My Dad gets my grandfather's pocket watch
But my grandma has it now
Because she sleeps with it
Which is really creepy
But she does it
Because it makes her feel
Like she's next to him
Which isn't sexual at all
Because it's just a pocket watch
But still, creepy

When my grandma dies
I have to go to the funeral
Even though it'll be in a church
And I'm a pagan
Because my mom says I have to
Or she won't give me any of the money
From my grandma's estate

She's going to get, like
A ton of money
Because it's supposed to go to my aunt
But only on the condition
That my aunt gets clean
Which she never will
And we secretly don't want her to
Because if we got all that money
We could go to Europe
And I could get a car

The only reason my aunt gets it
Is because she and my grandma
Are totally codependent on each other
And my grandma thinks
If she doesn't give my aunt money
She'll die or something
But first she wants her to get clean
And if she gets clean
She won't need the money

So does that make sense?

Anyway
She's pretty old
So I'm guessing she's going to go soon
And when she does
I'm not letting my cousin
Get the dolls in the stupid oak cabinet
And I don't care what the will says

Those are mine
I called them
Like, years ago

I can't believe she isn't going to give them to me
My mom told me that
When she got made at my grandma
In a fit of rage
When my grandma bought my aunt a rehab stay
Rehab stay number ELEVEN
But she swore me to secrecy

I totally thought me and my grandma were close

Just goes to show you