Now, I'm not, clearly.
But you are.
I'm lapsed
And I'm proud to be lapsed
I'm certainly not pro-life
I've seen enough to know
That there is nothing pro
About life
Life is anti
In its nature
That's just how it is
But you're Catholic
And you can't change now
Just because you're pregnant
That's not fair
That would be like changing the rules to Monopoly
When you land on Boardwalk
After someone's put a hotel there
It just isn't done
And you can't give the baby up for adoption
Because who knows what freaks might get it
Oh sure, they'd have you believe
That everybody who adopts
Are just lovely people
Who can't conceive
And want to shower your unwanted baby with love
But truth be told
They could weirdoes
Who need your baby
To complete their traveling circus act
Or want live-in help but can't afford it
Hell, they could be like Mom and Dad
They talked about adopting
Remember that?
We talked Mom into getting a plant instead
And she killed it
Tragedy averted?
Ringing a bell?
So I think it's in your best interest
To keep the baby
And name it Vance
Vance is a good name
Unusual but strong
Like an old Southern beau
Or a drag racer
But definitely a quarterback
And I could help!
I would be
The greatest aunt
Not just because I'm sassy
But because I can do the spanking
When you don't have the nerve
And you never will
Now don't say
You won't hit your child
Spanking isn't hitting
Anymore than feeling up
Is having sex
The overall sensations are the same
But the intensity is much different
At least it should be
Perhaps it wasn't with...Neeeeeeil
But it should be
Sex with a man named Neil
What were you thinking?
You should have had sex
With somebody named...
Vance
And if it's a girl
We'll name her Vivian
Like Vivian
On Days of Our Lives
Remember Vivian?
She was fantastic
I miss her
I want another Vivian in my life, Sarah
I need one
Just think of all the fun we'll have
We'll take her with us everywhere
Can you imagine her at the salon?
A little baby girl
Playing in the piles of hair
It'll be such a photo op
And once you have her
Grandma will stop hating you
Because you will have produced an heir
Which is all that old bird wants
Before she dies
Of course the old bird
Will probably give the poor little thing nightmares
But I suppose that's par for the course
When you're a part of this family
. . . . .
Honey
I know you're scared
But we're keeping this baby
Not because I've gone all righteous
But because you need it
You need to be a mother
God, look at you
You were a mother
Before you were even a daughter
You're thinking of giving this little girl
Or little boy
Although now that I'm looking at how you're carrying
It's a little girl
Definitely a little girl
Or a very lopsided little boy
Either way
You're thinking
That you're going to screw up
Like Mom and Dad
Screwed us up
And you're not!
You'll screw up in more progressive ways
I promise you
This little baby
Will be so much more bold
Than we ever were
It'll do things
And not be afraid
To get in trouble for them
It'll talk back
Get spanked by me
Then talk back right again
Louder than before
It'll have spirit, Sarah!
That spirit we never thought we'd get
The one we thought Mom and Dad drove out of us
That feeling we needed so bad
You went and tried to find it with a NEIL
That spirit's inside you now
It's right there
Sitting and waiting
To come out and explode your life
And mine
And everybody else's
So that we can start over
And start being people again
Instead of just pictures hanging on a wall
You have to keep this baby, Sarah
Look at you
You look tired already
That's a good sign
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