Socks

-- I wanted to write a cute little happy monologue. That's all. --

I was wearing blue socks
The day I met him
Blue
Plain blue
I think back on that day
And I cringe
I should have put on something special

My hair was fine
My shirt was fine
My pants were fantastic
But my socks were sub par
I could feel it
And I knew he could too

He worked at Chuckle's
A joke store in the mall
He had to wear a really stupid hat
And a name tag that said
'Knock Knock, Who's There? ...Adam'
I wasn't really sure what was supposed to be funny about that
But when I walked up to him
I pointed at the name tag
And laughed

I tried to make it
A good-natured laugh
Like--

'Hahaha...
That's a goofy-yet-campy-enough-to-

make-it-work nametag
You got there, Adam.'

But he shot me a look
That said he interpreted it as--

'Hahaha...
You look like an idiot joke store guy.
I could never love a man like you.'

I wanted to crawl behind the inflatable Rush Limbaughs
And die a slow death
But I couldn't
So instead I bought gum
That makes your tongue look green

'I'm not buying this for me. I'm buying it for my friend and I.'
'I'm buying it for my friend and me.'
'Huh?'
'My friend and I isn't accurate.'
'No, I really am buying it for my friend and I.'
'No, you're buying it for you and your friend.'
'Right.'
'Which would mean "my friend and me."'
'You and your friend want it? Cause I'll totally buy it for you.'
'I was correcting your grammar. I'm an English major. Sorry. I get...sorry.'

Oh my God
He corrects grammar
Some people find that obnoxious
I consider it being a good citizen
Of, you know, the speaking world

I should have said something to that effect
But instead
I replied--

'Um, hahaha, I don't want the gum. Later.'

It was like Satan
Was speaking through me
Using both the wrong words
Tone, inflection, and body gestures

I walked out of Chuckles
Thinking that the name was a misnomer
Since in my case
I was certainly not going to guffaw
After I had just killed any chance
Of being with the man of my dreams
Knock Knock Adam

I went home and wept
And then I re-organized my sock drawer

I wouldn't say I'm O.C.D.
I manage to keep my compulsions
Within manageable limits
I can't tolerate swing sets
Cutting up egg cartons
Or messy sock drawers

In every other area
I'm fine

I went into the joke store
The very next day
To apologize
And this time
I was wearing my favorite argyles
Which I refer to as--

The Yeah Yeahs

Not to be confused with
The Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Who I enjoy
But who I would not name socks after

The Yeah Yeahs
Make me feel powerful
Like I can conquer the world
Order stuff online
Or talk to Knock Knock Adam
After making a complete fool of myself

I walked up to him
Standing tall and proud
My hair done up
So that the front of it
Looked like a curved wall
As if perpetually being blown back by wind

An argyle sweater
Underneath
A long-sleeved shirt
As if to say--

'There's more to me than meets the eye--
A shirt for example
With long sleeves...'

The pants?
Made in Italy
I kid you not
An eBay find
That when I think about it
To this day
Makes me break into a joy sweat

And the Yeah Yeahs
Saying--

'Yes, Connor
You are a motherfucking rockstar.'

I walked into that joke store
Sauntering like I was saying--

'Yeah, maybe I'll buy googly glasses...
Or maybe I'll shatter your world with my love
Knock Knock Adam.'

That was when I tripped
Over nothing
Not like a normal trip
Where there's an object
And you trip over it
Which is forgivable
But over absolutely nothing
Which is unredeemable
In every way

As if that wasn't bad enough
I landed on a whoopee cushion display
So it sounded as if
The entire store
Had just digested
Mexican chili

I looked up to see Knock Knock Adam
Staring down at me
And his newly destroyed whoopee display
The look on his face
Was the same look
Ricky would give to Lucy on 'I Love Lucy'
When he would find out that once again
She had worked her way into his show at the Tropicana
Except
Without the underlying marital love

'What did you--'

And then...

'Hey, um, cool socks.'

It's not easy to smirk confidently
While laying in a pile of still-going-off whoopee cushions
And what you will late find out is a sprained ankle
But believe you me
I did