Hello Parents!
Thank you so much for attending Parent/Teacher Night here at Boyle Elementary. It is my absolute joy everyday to teach your wonderful little children.
Before we begin this evening with one-on-ones, I'd like to address a topic I know a few of you are a little concerned about--namely, my choice to read a book out loud in class yesterday called "I Have Two Mommies."
I know many of you were upset that I was promoting families with two same-sex parents. You thought maybe I would confuse the children. And by that I mean confuse them more than, let's say, Heather Frattoria is about why her mother is now living with her uncle, rather than her father, who's living with someone who appears to be three months younger than her. A deeper level of confusion perhaps.
Some of you probably felt that I was promoting homosexuality, which goes against your religious beliefs. I know Mrs. Turner is a Catholic, despite the fact that her eldest daughter Carly has already terminated two pregnancies because Mrs. Turner can't afford the plastic surgery she would require to buoy her self-esteem if she were forced to be a grandmother before the age of fifty. Maybe Mr. Baxter was offended, as he is a Baptist, even though little Katie says when poor people come up to his new car at stoplights asking for money so they can buy food, he rolls up the windows and tells her they'll just use it to shoot up. Just as Jesus would have said, I'm sure.
There are others of you who think bringing up any issue involving sex is wrong since the children are so young. I know that many of you avoid exposing your children to sex, except for when the Gregory's have loud, wall-pounding love-making sessions where they shout out terms that Johnny then says in school during show-and-tell the next day. Aside from that, I'm sure you're quite careful.
Little Christine says that her mother didn't think I should be reading about a boy with two mommies because then kids in the class might quote--'turn queer.' I'm sure Christine's mother said it in the same tone of voice that she uses when she's making extra money as a phone sex operator when Little Christine is at school. Mrs. Hempel, you could have taken the day off when Christine was home sick with the chicken pox. Your daughter has now asked me six times what water sports are.
The reason I chose to read "I Have Two Mommies" is because recently my very good friend Ilsa lost a custody battle for her daughter when it was discovered that Ilsa and I were living together. A judge determined that Ilsa's father, a recovering alcoholic like you, Mr. Peterson--don't go thinking I forgot about you!--Hahahaha--Anyway, the wino now has custody of the daughter, and I am just furious about that.
I came into class that day, and when I looked at all your sweet little children; all I could think was that maybe among them was a family court judge. And I had to do something. A big part of me hoped you would all be more tolerant since many of you have faced judgmental stares when you're out in public screaming at your child simply because she wants a bag of peanut M&M's--Mrs. Harper--or letting you child play in the pile of medical refuse next to your house while you sun yourself on your porch--Mrs. Harper--OR when you tell your child she should lose twenty pounds or no man will love her--say it with me now--Mrs. Harper.
Sadly, I was mistaken. All of you seem to think that two mommies together would make worse parents than most of you. That math doesn't add up to me, but then again, math isn't my strong suit, writing is. For example, the letters I've written to social services that I keep in my desk regarding things each of your children has told me over the past few months.
I'll be mailing them tomorrow.
Now, does anyone want cookies?
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