Things We Promised

-- The third part in the "Forgiveness" series is what I guess you could call this. I thought it was time to hear from a man. --

"The Things We Promised"

Father
I would like to do this
Again
And this time
I would like to do it
Correctly

I would like the vows
To include more
Than just the traditional
Sickness and health
Richer or poorer
Till death do us part

Because the truth is
We don't really have any trouble
With sickness or health
We've both been reasonably healthy
Throughout the duration
Of our marriage

We've always made good livings
Kerri is a schoolteacher
And I'm a pediatrician
So there's no point
In saying--

If you wind up in the poorhouse
I'm sticking with you

Because we both know
That's never going to happen

So yes
It's been twenty-five years
And yes
We've made it this far
No
No infidelity
No problems keeping our vows

But now, Father
I want new vows
I want vows in place
That will actually help
Help us from killing each other

For starters
I want a vow from Kerri
That when I come home
She will not nag me
About the three things
That have broken
Since I left that morning

The faucet
The television
The cable box
The computer
The towel rack
The microwave
The third shelf on the bookcase

I want to stop hearing
About everything that's broken
I'd like to try living with the broken things
Since it seems most of the things in our lives
Are breaking
One right after the other

I want to take a vow
Where we promise to love each other
Even when we forget things
Or when I forget things
Since Kerri never forgets anything
Ever

I want to be loved
Even when I forget
To pick up the soy sauce
That she simply cannot live without
Because she makes pork chops with it
And calls it a secret recipe
Like it's some coveted dish
That everyone wants to make
But only she knows how

Do you have any idea
What soy pork chops taste like, Father?

Most people don't
Bless their lucky palates

I want to take a vow
Where we promise each other
We will not start any more sentences
With the words

'Do you remember when...?'

I want a guarantee on that

It's funny, Father
So many people find marriage difficult
And I don't
Or I didn't
I didn't used to
I still don't
Find marriage difficult
In terms of what constitutes
Being married

Loving my wife
Loving only my wife
Putting her first
Supporting her
Providing for my half of the marriage

Check
Check
Check

But now
I find there's something else
Something we weren't told about
Something that wasn't explained to us
The first time around

Our son
He was killed
In a car accident
Along with three other kids

At first
It seemed like being with each other
Night and day
Every moment
Was the only way
We were going to survive

And then slowly
But all the more surely
We began
To piss each other off
In ways neither of us
Thought possible
Until Michael was gone

There are things
That Kerri does now
That
And I mean this, Father
I cannot continue living with

And likewise
I do things
That she finds
Absolutely repugnant

So now
We need new promises
We'll make the old ones again
Those are fine
But we need more than them
We need renewal
In a different sort of way

She needs me to promise
That I'll stop biting my nails
When we watch television

And I'm willing to promise that
If she'll promise
To stop eating large bowls of peas
Just peas
When we watch television

I'll promise to put the curtain
Inside the shower
When I shower

If she'll promise
Not to do the dishes
Or a load of laundry
When I'm in the shower

I'll promise not to yell
If she promises not to give me
The silent treatment

I'll promise to smile more
If she'll promise not to laugh
For no good reason
And act like that's normal

I'll promise to let her keep Michael's clothes
And his Halloween costumes
And his report cards
And the programs from all his plays
If she promises
Not to bring him up
Every goddammed day
So that it feels like it'll be impossible for us
To ever lead a normal life again
That doesn't have the ghost of our son
Hanging over us
Dooming us to misery forever

I want a promise
I want it in the vows
That we will not be grieving
For the rest of our lives

Not because I don't want to
Not because I don't feel like
It's all I know how to do
Not because I don't miss him
Because I miss him
So much
There are times when I collapse
Onto myself
Usually in the shower
And then cold water
Shocks me back into mild irritation
Rather than morbid distress

I don't want to grieve anymore
Because Michael
Would be pissed at us
If he saw us like this

He was joy
He was humor
He was life
He was not someone
Who would let his parents
Sit around and mope
Because they weren't strong enough
To do anything else

I hate that my wife
Is strong enough
To forgive the man
Who drove his car
Into our son
But she's not strong enough
To get out of bed in the morning

She's not strong enough
To make love anymore
She's not strong enough
To laugh without feeling guilty
She's not strong enough
To see his face without crying

I hate that my wife
Has the audacity
To criticize Mack's mother
For being so angry
When if she was even a little bit honest
She'd admit
That she's angry too
But that it's more important to seem like she's a good person
Even if that's the last thing she wants to be

I hate that man
I hate Paul
I wish I could take a meat cleaver
And chop him into little pieces
So help me, Father
I do

And I don't want to be cleansed of that
I want to own that
I want to say awful things like that
And not have Kerri
Give me a dirty look

Is that possible, Father?
Can I make her promise
That she won't do that anymore, Father?
Can that be in the new vows?

. . . . .

We took vows
When we were so young
When drunken men in cars
And drama club rehearsals
And children, however innocent
Were all just possibilities

We took vows
That were meant
For children
For kids
Who were never going to grow up

Kids who put on rings
Then ran off to London
And spent most of the time
In their hotel room
Making love and laughing
Like they were doing something wrong

Those weren't real vows, Father
You can't actually promise
The things we promised
Because you could never know
You could never really know
What for better or worse means
You could never understand
Worse
How bad
Worse
Is

Not when you're that young
Not when you're eating wedding cake
And you're doing the electric slide
And your fathers are toasting you
And you only love each other
And nobody else in the world

We promised each other
The world and everything in it
But Michael wasn't in those vows
We never thought about Michael
We should have promised him something
They should make you
Promise your child something
That you'll care for him
That you'll protect him
That you won't back down
When you tell him
He can't go out on a school night
Even if he gives you that smile

That smile that...

And you say yes

You should have to promise
You won't do that
Because if he doesn't come back...

. . . . .

I want new promises
I want solid promises
I want protection
I want guarantees
I want insurance

I want something stronger
Than till death do us part
Because what we have now
Isn't strong enough, Father

It's just not

I want my wife to promise
That she'll smile again
I want Kerri to promise
That she still loves me
Even though I know...

I want our vows to say
That we will get through this
That we will promise to get through this
No matter what

Because if either one of us
Can't promise that
Then maybe

Maybe we should be talking
About something else