When You're At Work

When you're at work
I feed the kids junk food

Lots and lots of junk food

I don't bother with the soy milk
I don't go to the vegetable tumbler
I don't even LOOK at the granola bars

I give them chocolate
And things with sugar
And sometimes meat products
Real meat
Dirty slaughtered animal meat
And they chew it up and giggle
Like little hyenas

I'm a bad boy when you're at work, Jane
A bad bad boy

I toss up the cultivated
Classy
Environment
You have sought to raise our children in

Because when you're not here
They rebel against it
They may fear you
But Daddy is a push-over
And they know it

The first day you went back to work
Huston cried for a solid three hours
Until I gave him a bag of sugar
And a spoon

I can't say I saw any actual tears
But he howled like his limbs were being removed
By medieval torture device

And I caved

Paige kept popping rated-R movies into the VCR
She got halfway through Body Heat
Before I caught her and took the movie out

Did you know we own Body Heat?
Were you aware how dirty Body Heat is?
I had no idea something with Kathleen Turner in it
Could be that erotic

Paige found a way to sneak it into her room
Telling me that she was watching the Hannah Montana movie
I heard sounds coming from her room
And I remember thinking--

'Wow. William Hurt is in the Hannah Montana movie?'

I'm not thinking as clearly as I used to, Jane

Do you know that I've started watching General Hospital?
And not only that
I'm actually enjoying it

I've developed a strange fascination with Sonny Corinthos
The mob boss with a heart of gold
And bipolar disorder

I wouldn't exactly call it a man crush
But I do find myself less interested
When I'm watching an episode that doesn't have him in it

That's right, Jane
You going back to work
Might have turned your husband into a bisexual

.....

Well, I'm sorry to call you during a board meeting

But I've been watching these talk shows
And I think I have a right to voice my feelings

First off, I'm feeling very sexually unsatisfied
Because after I confiscated Body Heat from Paige
I watched it
And I think it's unfair
That Kathleen Turner and William Hurt
Two of the most non-sexual people on the planet
Can generate more sexual energy
Than you and I have
In the past four years

That sound you hear is Huston
Playing with his new machine gun toy
I went to the store and bought it for him today
He's very into violence

I let him pick out three toys
He bought the fake machine gun
A fake machete
And a tank big enough for him to ride on
I stopped at Barnes and Noble
To see if they had a kids book
Based on the life of General Schwarzkopf
But unfortunately
Not as many children love bloodshed
As much as our little boy

Paige got to stop at a clothing store
Where she picked out a halter top
And a pair of leather pants
All designed for six-year-olds
Apparently the folks at the 'Girlz, Girlz, Girlz' store
In the Hallenview Mall
Have decided they wanted this generation
Our daughter's generation
To grow up wanting to be streetwalkers

I know all this offends your hippie sensibility
But if you're such a hippie
Shouldn't you be home
Tending to the commune?

Making a compost pile
Chanting shakras
Knitting hemp sweaters
While I, your capitalist pig husband
Use my M.B.A.
And make enough money
So that we can all live the privileged life you despise so much?

How is it that you, an Environmental Consultant
A position that I never even knew existed until I married you
Can make twice what I made as a stock broker?

I'm feeling emasculated, Jane

I know that it was smarter for me to stay at home
And for you to continue you work
But today Huston threw up on my shirt
So I had to change it
And when he saw my exposed nipples
He pointed at them and made a sucking noise
With his lips

It was then I realized
That our son
Wanted me
To breast feed him

Do you have any idea how close I became
To becoming an alcoholic today, Jane?

I've been swigging organic apple juice
And pretending it's aged wine
For the past hour

Paige?
She's in her room
Playing Environment Consultant
Just like her Mommy

I bought her a Stock Broker Jr.
Board Game and offered to play wit with her
But she informed me
That when she grows up
She'd like to make 'consistent money'

.....

It would be one thing
If I could at least be her Dad

If I was distant
And stoic
And she felt she couldn't rely on me
For hugs and warmth
But knew that I was the one
Providing for the family

I could live with that

But now I'm staying at home
Not being productive in any way
Not bringing home the bacon
Still not being emotionally available
And so now she and Huston
Think I'm just an overpaid nanny

They want their Mommy for everything
When they've done something good
They want to show it to you
When they're hurt
They want you to make it better
When they're hungry
I can't make anything the way you make it

Congratulations, Jane
You have it all
But your kids don't have a father
And your husband doesn't have a life

And I know, it's unfair
I'm in the same position
Millions of women have been in
Over the course of history

But it doesn't stop it
From sucking any less

So here's the plan

When you come home
You are not to talk to the children
You are going to go to the armchair
That I normally sit in
That now has pee and jello on it
You're going to throw a blanket over the stains
Sit down
And watch at least an hour of television

You are going to be too exhausted to play
Too weary to hear about how my day was
Too bitter to care when Paige wants to show you
Her new clothes
Or when Huston wants you to play
Mommy Hides Behind the Sofa

At dinner
You are going to chew
And nothing else

You will tuck the kids into bed
Without a smile on your face
And you scold them
When they ask for a nightlight
So that I can go in and turn it on for them later

That's right, Jane
You're going to be me
You're going to be Daddy

And you will be allowed to be nice to them
Every weekend
Except for Sunday mornings
When you will spend
An insane amount of time
Reading every article in the newspaper
Even the recipes
That you have no intention of making

From this point on
I am Mommy
And if you have a problem with that
Then you can go back to staying home with them
And I'll go back to the shitshow that is the Market
And we can go bankrupt
Conforming to glorious gender stereotypes

I have lost my dignity, Jane
I have lost my masculinity
I have lost my wife for eight hours a day
Five days a week
But I will not lose my children

So tell me if you're on-board with this plan
Because if you're not
You're going to have a tank to return to the toy store

And Huston's machete is sharper than it looks