The First Eight Boys I Kissed

I. The First Boy

The first boy I kissed was on the beach
The beach was the tiny sliver of beach
Right on the boardwalk
In Atlantic City

He was a gambler named Tan
I don't really believe that was his name
But I was satisfied with it as an answer
When I asked him what his name was
And if he'd kiss me

When it happened
I felt the waves rush over the casinos
And rise up to the tops of the buildings
I saw window washers swimming away
As fast as they could go
And everyone else drowning in the ocean's response
To two boys kissing

I saw Ripley's Believe-It-Or-Not flood
Causing wax sculptures of bearded women
Come to life and dance with men who had extreme injuries
Yet still were able to lead normal lives

Everyone won the jackpot
And the owners of the casinos killed themselves
In a way that was something like a mass lovers pact
And therefore was not sad at all

When I kissed Tan
My skin went from pale to brown to red to pink
I felt cooked from the inside out
And part of me thought I'd never be cold again

After we kissed
He slipped into the ocean
And became a whale, I believe
A whale named Tan
Who all the other whales looked down on
Because he had kissed a mortal
And a boy on top of it

II. The Second Boy

The second boy I kissed was at a diner in Tuscaloosa
I was serving the breakfast rush
And the cook was giving me a hard time
Because all my tables were special ordering

One man wanted blueberries
Fresh from the ground
Served on top of a live pig
That he had no intention of killing
Because he didn't like bacon all that much

He wouldn't listen when I said--

'Sir, blueberries don't come from the ground.'

He just said--

'Everything comes from the ground.'

And I wanted to hit him
But instead I went looking for the pig

.....

After two hours of searching the town
All I could come up with that resembled a pig
Was a pinata shaped like a hog
Filled with sour patch kids
And it was already halfway broken

The diner was empty
The lunch rush was an hour off
And the breakfast crowd had left
The cook had quick
And all of the wait staff had gone with me
Except me because I was out
Hunting Mexican candy-filled livestock

He was the only one sitting at a table

I named him Che in my head
He was the son of the immigrant farm workers
Who roll into town to pick the beetles off the cherry trees
Don't ask me what they do with the beetles
I don't care to find out or to know
Maybe they train them to do tricks or something

When I went over to ask for his order
He stopped me with his hand

'I'd like a dance'

A dance?

'A dance'

So I gave him one
We did a few maneuvers around the floor of the diner
Around the chrome-topped tables
Causing the salt and pepper shakers to fall
Creating a whirlwind of bad luck
That would lead to a twister hitting town two days later

We got food out from the kitchen
And danced on it
While in our hearts we apologized to starving children
Regardless, we danced on eggs
Scrambled
Fried
Poached

(Who knew the chef knew how to poach?)

We didn't care
We danced on it all

We danced on grits, oven mitts, dirty plates
Soup bowls, chowder mixes, ham slices
Sporks turned down, rotten fruit, and milk cartons
Everything we could find in the kitchen
It was a gorgeous catastrophe, just like us

And at the end of it all
Che dipped me down
So close to the ground
I could smell the chicken fingers
We had recently waltzed on

And he kissed me

Far in the background
Almost invisible to the ear
There was the sound
Of a tornado heading towards us

III. The Third Boy

The third boy I kissed was outside a Halloween party
Hidden in the suburbs of Sonorra, Illinois
Where we all quoted John Hughes movies
Because we wanted to live in 1985
Even though we lived in 1994
Fear was prevalent

Fear of life without Kurt
Fear that maybe we should all follow him
Fear that some of us might
Fear of razor blades in candy apples
Fear of where we'd end up in ten or fifteen years

This all seemed acceptable
It was Halloween after all

He was wearing hospital scrubs
I asked him his name
He told me to call him Doctor D
So I did

Doctor D sat down on the steps next to me
He asked me what I was supposed to be
I told him I was anything other than disenchanted
And, oh yeah, I was Santa's Elf too
Just in case the first one was too hard to figure out

He asked me if I wanted to make leaf pile angels
I thought that was a little too precious
So instead we got into his car and drove
Drove into the city
I don't remember which city it was
But I remember there were lots of Kurt wannabes
Walking around in remembrance
Or irony
Whichever

I tossed holiday candy out the window
The candy was found in the back of my hall closet
Sweet, I thought to myself
Not realizing the pun or I would have gagged

The sweets were tossed at goblins
At leprechauns, at Wayne and Garth
At President Clinton, at a monkey making out with Luke Perry
At an Oscar statue and at a sullen girl who didn't seem to have a costume

Even then, I still had some candy left

Dr. D parked in front of a diner
I told him I don't like diners
They make me uncomfortable
The diner in my hometown was destroyed by a tornado
And two people died
A waiter and the son of an immigrant farm worker

He was enchanted by my tale, I could tell

Instead of going in the diner
We walked to the nearest library
And sat on the lions outside
We rocked back and forth on them
As if they were going to spring to life
Like in The Wiz or something
And we could ride off on them

Somehow we wound up on the same lion
And that was when he kissed me

A group of guys dressed all in black saw us
They yelled at us and approached
One of them was carrying a bat
Aren't guys in black on Halloween walking the streets
Always carrying bats?

How cliche, I thought

As soon as they got within a few feet of us
The lion really did come to life
He roared at them like Velcore in The Neverending Story
And they ran away, two of them soaking their pants first

Dr. D and I laughed
We stroked our lion's mane
And named him Cobra

IV. The Fourth Boy

The fourth boy I kissed was playing chess with me
He was from Russia, and his name was almost unpronounceable
In his home country, he was called The Gambler
I called him The Whale
Because he was huge in stature and demeanor
And kind of a blowhole

The tournament was supposed to take place in Atlantic City
But the casino was flooded when a water pipe burst
And so it was relocated to an arena in Pennsylvania
Where we could wage our war of knights and queens
While we ate Philly cheese steaks
And earlier that morning, I ran up the Rocky stairs with my Dad

I was America's only hope against The Whale
That day in the paper I was the biggest story in the news
Next to a lion from a library in the Midwest disappearing
It was stone and therefore should have stayed right where it was
Hooligans were suspected and expected to be the cause
After all, it happened on Halloween

The game had been going on for seventy-three hours
But I wasn't tired, just angry
The Whale should have beaten me by now
I couldn't let him, but I also couldn't stop him
This should have been easy for such a trained killer of rooks

I didn't want to win
If this was the publicity I was getting just from playing
I couldn't imagine what winning would mean
I didn't want to be Bobby Fischer
He was a nasty, Anti-semitic lunatic
And maybe that's because he won
At least, that's what I thought

I knew I'd be a shame to my country if I lost
But better to be shamed than to be saturated in fame
And lose your mind in the process

Please, I begged The Whale silently with my eyes
Take me down

Yet he was going easy on me
I could feel it
I left several key players vulnerable
For far too long
For him not to have noticed

It was clear that I was going to have to take the final leap

I exposed the Queen

There was a gasp from the crowd
I could hear my father start to cry
The Russians were already pouring celebratory drinks
I looked up at The Whale
He was smiling

Then he took his own life

Somehow he had maneuvered all his pieces
To the point where he was now backed into a corner
I had him in a checkmate

I had won

There was a cheer from the crowd
Why had he done that?
How had he even managed it?
Tears started streaming down my eyes
Now I could hear my father screaming my name
The Russians were taking out their weapons
Ready to put down The Whale

They weren't even going to wait until they were back in Moscow

I looked at The Whale
He looked at me
Then he said
In a heavy accent

'Good job'

I leaned across the chessboard
And kissed him

Somewhere a bomb went off

V. The Fifth Boy

I was #18
He was #4
I was jealous that he was such a low number
As if somehow that made him better
Even though the doctors assured us that it didn't matter
I didn't believe them
For many reasons

We were testing potato chips
Trying to see which tasted better
He got to taste the Sunrise Barbecue Chips
I was convinced it was because of his being #4
I had to taste Relish and Sour Kraut Chips
We weren't allowed to switch flavors
We weren't allowed to talk
We weren't allowed to ask each other's names

We just kept eating the chips

I was supposed to let them know
How many bags of Relish and Sour Kraut Chips
You have to eat before they start to taste
Like anything other than what they're meant to taste like
In other words, when they start to taste appetizing
They never did

He and I were the last ones there
And I couldn't figure out why
His chips probably tasted good right away
I was on my eighty-seventh bag

To pass the time
I started folding the bags into different origami shapes
Bag #28 was a turtle
Bag #35 was a mime
Bag #44 was my mother
I had run out of things to make

I looked over at #4
He looked sort of like that Russian guy
Who had just gotten beat by that shy kid from somewhere
I thought that was going to set off World War Three

His skin was perfectly tanned
I wondered if it was natural
Or if he baked in a tanning bed
I had an image of him sitting there
Getting crispy while popping his delicious chips into his mouth

Something about the image made me smile
Something else made me look over at him
He was smiling too

Then he reached out and broke the rules
He extended his palm
And on it was a Sunrise Barbecue Chip

I couldn't take it
I knew I couldn't
But the action itself touched me
Nobody had ever broken a rule for me before

I shook my head, but he kept pushing the chip at me

Finally, because nobody seemed to be stopping him
I took the chip and popped it in my mouth
It tasted like honey and summer and baseball
It tasted like America and carnivals and diners that serve breakfast anytime
It tasted like Halloween candy
And it did NOT taste like Relish and Sour Kraut

It was fantastic

He held out the bag to me
But I didn't want another chip
I wanted him

I walked over to him
Grabbed him by the hips
And pulled him into me

I could hear alarms going off throughout the building
We would have sabotaged the entire experiment
But I didn't care

Because that chip tasted fantastic
And his kiss...

That was even better

VI. The Sixth Boy

The sixth boy I kissed was running against me
For the position of Student Council President
He was the incumbent
I was the new rookie

He had fought in the Battle of the Schools
And had won two medals
One for pie-eating, one for three-legged race
He had run the race with his girlfriend
Who was an heiress, and pretty
In a fake sort of way

I had only just transferred to the school
And had done one term on the Social Concerns Committee
But had written two articles for the school newspaper
Given the opening speech at the Homecoming Pep Rally
And most importantly, I was friends with Molly
The girl, who like, everybody totes loves

It was going to be a close race
That was certain
He had campaigned with promises
To seek out whoever had stolen the stone lion
From the local library
I wanted to focus on sending aid to places that needed it
Like the town that had been ravaged by a tornado

I promised new ways of thinking
He promised a class field trip to San Francisco
I promised healthier food in the cafeteria
He promised Sunrise Barbecue Chips

The day of the election
I left homeroom with the teacher's permission
And went behind the gym to gather my thoughts

There he was, the Incumbent
Smoking

I could have run to the paper there and then
Gotten it in the afternoon edition
...After I created an afternoon edition
I could have gotten it played over the loudspeaker

THE INCUMBENT IS A SMOKER!

Instead, I went and sat next to him
He offered me a drag, I passed
We sat there for a bit
Then he put his cigarette out
And stood up

'You won,' he said, 'I can feel it.'

He helped me to my feet
And for a second
We were undeniably close
Our mouths mere inches away from each other's

'I'm going to resign the office,' I say.

Before he could ask me why
Before I could tell him that I didn't like politics
Only winning at politics
Before it would be declared that the third party candidate
Trevor Pickens, who had apparently spoken to the lower grades
Had edged us both out
His nickname was the Cobra

Before any of that could happen
I kissed him

And I wondered if his lips were that soft
Because of the chapstick he was wearing
Or because of how vulnerable he was in that moment
Like a Queen waiting to be put into Checkmate

That made me remember the chess team
And how I had forgotten to campaign with them

Suddenly, it occurred to me that I might have lost
And perhaps, lost even more than the election

VII. The Seventh Boy

The seventh boy I kissed was the ghost of an old friend
I couldn't remember the old friend's name
He was sitting next to me at the train station
The ghost, I mean, not the friend
Waiting for the next ride in

I asked him how it happened to him
He told me a water pipe burst in a casino
And he got washed out into the ocean
Where a giant whale ate him

I didn't believe him, but I didn't say anything

He asked me how it happened to me
I told him I choked on a potato chip
A really awful flavor that I couldn't remember
I wished that I had choked on something more tasty
But I suppose those sorts of things don't matter
In the grand scheme of things

A train went by, but it wasn't the train I wanted
I wanted the train with my old friend on it
Not his ghost

He kept sitting with me
I didn't bother to ask which train he was waiting for
We just sat quietly

Thoughts kept flying through my head
Images of well-tanned young gentlemen on beaches
Images of pancakes being danced on
Of elves throwing candy canes out of windows
Of chess pieces being flung down in passion
Scientists crying over carefully folded plastic bags
And two teenagers, one of them smoking, outside of a gym

It was amazing what could pass through your brain
Moments after it stops being active
Sitting at a train station
Waiting for the big trip
Wondering if you'll see Carey Grant
Mark Twain
King Henry
Any King Henry, doesn't matter which one

The ghost of my old friend put his arm around my shoulder
It didn't really work since neither of us were solid
But it was a kind thought all the same

I asked him if I would be happy where I was going
He said yes
I asked him if all the images I was seeing were true
He said sort of
I asked him if I was ever going to see him again the way he used to be
He said no

I saw the train approaching
And he began to evaporate
But before he could
I kissed him

It was a simple kiss
But it was better than a good-bye
A good-bye would have made him disappear
Even faster

VIII. The Eighth Boy

I take you to be my lawfully wedded husband

-- I always thought they were saying awfully wedded, it always seemed strange. --

Lawfully wedded
Strange
To think I would go my whole life
Only having kissed eight boys
Some would say that's a lot
I don't particularly think so
But I do think it's a good, solid number
To end on

He put the ring on my finger
And my entire hand seemed to be infused with heat
I thought I saw the color of it go from pale to brown to red to pink
It was a sight to behold

We were married out on the ocean
In the distance I could hear whale songs
The reception was being catered as a brunch
At a local diner
We thought that showed character
A formal reception would not have been our style

It was nearing the end of October
The air was crisp, but still warm
On the way out of the house that morning
I looked at all the little leaves on the ground
They looked like wrinkled potato chips

Our friends from high school were there
Still teasing us about running against each other
For President of the Math League
We would never have been allowed in any other club
Not even the chess team would have us

But there we were
In front of the ocean
Somehow having made it here
Despite feeling like it took lifetimes
And epic disasters
And trainwrecks

Here we were

'You may kiss the groom'

And we did
And I looked at this man
Whose name I used to recite in front of a mirror
Just because I loved how it sounded coming out of my mouth

He smiled
And asked if I was taking his last name
Or if he was taking mine
Or we would switch
Or stay the same

And I said--

'It doesn't matter'

And it didn't

After all
I could always just call him
You