Madame de Stael in Exile

-- Is it any wonder that I'm not even through with my biography on Madame de Stael and already I'm madly in love with her. She was married to her husband, M. de Stael, until his death but had three kids with other men and rarely ever even saw him. She was exiled from her beloved Paris when Napoleon declared war on her. Her husband nearly died in poverty until she rescued him and brought him to Switzerland, where he died anyway. I want to believe this was something close to the conversation she had with him on his deathbed. --

"Madame de Stael in Exile"

I brought you all this way
And you're going to die all the same
Very considerate of you, Ambassador
You could have saved me a trip
And just died in France

I wish I could die in France
As it is
I'm probably going to die in Geneva
Which is not France
And I don't care what First Consul says
That miserable little ape
With his stupid hat
And his bathtub declarations

The Madame will be crushed!
I will crush her!

With what, i wonder
Did he plan on crushing me with?
Certainly not his foot
The last time he stepped on a cockroach
He needed three aides
To get his little pied out of its body

Oh
Ambassador
If you're going to cough up blood
Do it into a handkerchief
Like a civilized human being

I know you've been living
Down near the water
In that awful little house
Cured meats everywhere
And rambling letters
Love letters
To me
I'm assuming
And I was flattered
But nevertheless
Discovering you in that place
Was like finding a hair in my soup
At that dinner party we went to
Back when we lived in Paris
Before...

The exile

Oh
Well
You're safe now

You'll be fine
I don't care what the doctors say
What do doctors know?

Now they're trying to say
We shouldn't take opium
As if it were harmful
As if it were anything but a godsend
From the creative gods
Meant to give human beings
A chance to produce greatness
In half the amount of time
It would normally take

Why
Only yesterday
I enjoyed some of that nectar
And wrote over fifty-four pages
Of my newest novel
In addition to learning Hungarian
And catching up on my correspondence

Did you ask about my new novel?
Or was that merely a cough?
Probably an inquiry
Which I will satisfy

My novel
Is a sequel to my cult classic
Delphine

Where Delphine's long-lost sister
Falls in love with a world ruler
A ruler with a few less inches than most
And a penchant for bubble baths

At first
She thinks he's going to change everything
That he'll be good for the French--
The English
I mean
The novel takes place in England
Good for the populace there
She thinks he'll be good
For the British people

But then he turns out
To be a complete and utter monster
And a disastrous lover
Lots of bells and whistles
But no substance at all
And she slaughters him
In his bathtub
With a bronze bust
Of his own head

I'm thinking of calling it
'Bon Appetit'
Because Dephine's sister
The Madame de Stroll
Is a chef

I've always wanted to cook
But alas
Life won't permit the time
For unnecessary hobbies

Ambassador?

Are you awake?

It's rude to nod off
When you're being spoken to
Or are the rules of conduct
Different in that advanced utopia
Of Sweden

Oh, enough coughing
You Scandanavians
Are so melodramatic

Meanwhile
I'm the one who hasn't slept
In five days
And has to live out my life
In Germany
A country where culture
Consists of sausage-making
And belching contests

I'd fall on a sword
If it weren't pointless
My corset is herringbone
I could run into the French army
And come through without a scratch

Maybe the First Consul knows that
Maybe that's why he keeps exiling me
Rather than just killing me
Which I would much prefer

. . . . .

I've been a bad wife
I'm aware of that
I'm sorry I never gave you children
Granted
I gave other men children
Narbonne and Benjamin

Technically
They're your children
They have your name
And your name is their security
I thank you for that

I've lived off your money
I've used your connections
And once in awhile
I did enjoy my time with you
When you weren't speaking
Or being yourself

When you weren't such a dolt
With your seances
And your dalliances with that horrid actress

Really Ambassador
If you were going to have an affair
You should have followed my lead
And had it with more than one person

AND

With someone better looking
Than your spouse
That is the point of an affair
After all

To think
You parading around
With my seventy-year-old
Former drama coach

Why not sleep with a year-old corpse?
It would have been more affectionate
I'm sure

That cough is getting worse

I'll get you some broth
And a witch doctor if I can find one
I'll humor your superstitions
Since they're all that makes you smile nowadays

I've loved having your name
I haven't always loved having a husband
But your name has served me well
It's been good to be a de Stael

Thank you for that, Ambassador

I'm a frivolous woman
Exiled from her home
Miserable and destitute
With a dying husband
She's only had relations with
Once or twice

Life is a dreary novel at times
But I have enjoyed it
I hope you have as well

We've all gotten to have our fun
And now we have to pay
I only pray that little bastard
With the big hat
Pays first

I'll go see to that broth