Relief

The debris looked like leaves

That was what I thought

Then I thought

Well…

Leaves are debris
In a way

Just prettier debris

There was so much of it
Swirling around on the television
Covering the street the clinic is on
I guess now we have to say 'was' on

Three people
Three poor people
One a woman my age
Who just wanted to help girls
Scared, lonely girls
Feeling trapped
Or maybe not
Maybe just aware of what it means
What it actually means to go through with something
So momentous

. . . . .

'I lost the baby'

She announced it like she was saying

'I'm going to the mall'
At first I wanted to slap her
Then I wanted to hug her
First to comfort her
And then to celebrate with her

We had dodged a bullet
My daughter would not be a mother
At sixteen

She was sitting at the kitchen table
Poking at her chicken
As if at any point it was going to come back to life
Sullen, is how I would describe her
If she hadn't told me what happened
I would have written it off
As one of her moods

'You can't be a moody mother'

I used to say that to her
Half-joking, half-serious
And she'd roll her eyes
And go back to petting her stomach
Her new favorite hobby

‘I lost the baby’

When I hugged her, she just sank into me
Her weight felt good against me
It felt good knowing that I could still hold her up if I had to
I stoked her hair and kissed the top of her head
A sob let itself loose from her body
But then she was still

She felt cold and disconnected
It felt like hugging an old doll
One that's had the stuffing beat out of it

'I was going to go the clinic today.'

This was a confession

'The one that got...'

I looked over at the television
At the debris
At the faces of the three people
A woman doctor my age
A young girl Katie's age
The young girl's boyfriend
Lucky to have a boyfriend who goes with you
When you do that sort of thing
Unless he pressured her into it, of course

They kept saying 'Luckily, only three people were killed.'

Lucky
Not if you're one of the three people
Did the young girl's mother even know where her daughter was?
Or did she sneak off their like Katie had been planning to?
Would Katie have been a face on the news?

'Why didn't you go?'

That should not have been the question I asked
But I guess morbid curiosity beats motherly concern

'Danny couldn't drive me. He had soccer.'

I walked into Danny's room
He was sitting on his bed
Reading
Like a good boy
A good student
A son you could be proud of

'Who do you think you are?'

He looked up at me
He could be smug
Self-righteous, blasphemous
Even for me, a lapsed Catholic
He feels that intelligence gives him the edge
When there's a moral dispute going on

'Pardon me?'
'You heard me, Daniel.'
'Yes, Mom, I heard you.'
'Who do you think you are?'
'I think I'm her brother.'
'And I'm her mother.'
'Then you should have offered to take her.'
'She made a choice. She wanted to keep the baby.'
'No, she didn't. She just knew that was what you wanted.'
'So two sixteen-year-olds decided to take this upon themselves?'
'Three sixteen-year-olds if you count Big Daddy. And it wasn't that big a deal.'
'It would have been if you had gotten killed.'
'Maybe it was god's will that we should live.'
'I don't like your tone.'
'But it wasn't his will that the baby should. We didn't make it to the clinic and yet the baby's still dead.'
'Your point?'
'Doesn't that seem like a rather large coincidence?'
'Does Arthur know you were going to the clinic?'
'Yeah, he even gave me gas money. What a prince, huh? Father material all the way.'

When Katie told me the news
I cried for three hours straight
Then I got used to the idea
That's what happens
You get used to things

They were two kids
Neither of them bad
Both good students
They had made a mistake
I was going to be a grandmother

These were facts

Katie was where I left her back in the kitchen
I cleared away her plate
And washed the table while she watched me
Her and Danny were always close
That's how it is with twins
It wasn't the first time they had locked me out
Of my own right to parent

'Are you happy?'

The question enraged me
Maybe because I didn't know how to answer it
Like a fool, I took a cue from Danny

'It's god's will.'

When did I become like this?
A clone of my grandmother
Everything black and white
Dictating what was god's will
To a girl who'd just lost her child

'Funny. If I had gone today--'
'You would be dead.'
'I was going to say. If I had gone today, I'd be a murderer.'
'Katie, don't say that.'
'But God does what I was going to do, and nobody thinks less of him at all.'

I expected her to get up and leave
But she just kept sitting there
Looking down at the spot where her plate was
I wondered about fixing her something else to eat
But I was already running late
And I knew she had no appetite
I could tell that much at least

'I'm going to bingo with Grandma.'
'Okay.'

I stopped by Danny's room again
He wasn't reading anymore
Now he was watching television
I wonder if all this media
Is the source of his stark morality

'I'm going out with Grandma.'
'Have fun.'
'I asked you to rake the leaves, didn't I?'
'I had soccer.'
'Soccer disrupted all kinds of plans today, didn't it?'
'Ha...ha.'
'As long as I'm still the mother in this house, I'd appreciate being treated like one.'
'I'll rake the leaves after my show is over.'
'Thank you.'
'My pleasure.'

He hates me for making him do what I should have done
Soccer probably got out early
He probably had plenty of time to take her
But he couldn't bring himself to be his father just yet
He couldn't grow himself up in the span of an afternoon
What Katie needed was beyond the scope of a sixteen-year-old boy
Even if that boy was her brother

And now he hates me
Katie probably does too

My mother and I got back from bingo early
We broke even, which was all right
Winning would have inappropriately buoyed my spirits
And losing would have made me feel even worse about the day
Mom let it alone until we pulled up to my house
She had left her car and I had driven us
It was her prerogative to stay in the car until I broke down
And she knew it

'So...'

She waited a second or two
And then I talked
Somewhere around describing the three faces
I lost it completely
My head fell against the driver's side window
And my tears rolled down like it was raining outside

Mom pulled my head to her shoulder
She's such a better mother than I am
Holding Katie today
I felt like I wasn't giving her what she needed
To get past all this
My Mom laid my head gently on her shoulder
And I felt comfort wash over me
Like a heated room in the winter

'I messed it all up.'
'It'll be all right.'
'I'm happy the baby is gone. Is that awful?'
'It would have been a huge undertaking.'
'But is it awful?'
'It doesn't matter. It happened. It's over.'
'But...if she had done it, I know I wouldn't be relieved.'
'Anna--'
'I would have been disgusted with her. I wouldn't have been able to look at her.'
'Stop it.'
'But it happens this way and somehow it's a relief.'
'Then maybe that's why it happened this way.'
'How could I feel that way about my daughter? I'm not like that. I'm not like people like that.'
'Like your grandmother?'
'Yes.'
'You could never be like her.'
'But I--'
'Anna, you could NEVER be like her.'

And I saw in her face
That she meant that
In a way deeper than I could understand
But maybe in a way Katie could have
If she had gone today
If that bomb hadn't gone off
If we all weren't so lucky
In the shadow of other's bad luck

Mom and I said our goodbyes
She opened the door to the car
And I got out to help her
But she hates when I do that
And she tried to do it herself

I saw her fall
And had an image of her lying on the ground
Hurt and in pain

I nearly screamed
And I thought I could hear her cry out
But when I went around to the other side
I saw her lying in a pile of leaves
The one Danny must have raked
My mother was lying in the pile
Laughing and beating the pile with her hands

Before I got to her
I was in the same state as her
I tried to help her up
But ended up down in the pile with her
And we were kicking and screaming
Like two little girls
Sending leaves scattering everywhere

Then I heard voices
Katie and Danny were standing over us
Looking concerned

'We saw Grandma fall.'
'Is she okay?'
'I'm okay. Your grandma's tough, remember?'
'Does this mean I have to rake these up again?'

Instinctively, I grabbed Danny's arm and pulled him down
He fell into the leaves and disappeared for a second before his head popped up
This sent my mother into a new bout of laughter
And after a scowl, Danny tossed some leaves at me playfully

Then I looked over and saw my mother
She was cradling Katie in her arms
Katie wasn't crying, but she looked troubled
Yet at the same time, in a state of calm
My mother was still laughing, but in a different sort of way
It was as if she was speaking to Katie
Saying 'Look, honey, you can laugh. It's okay.'

The four of us sat there in the pile of leaves
Letting the debris pile up on top of us
Along with the leaves
And the relief

Until all that was left
Was the sound of laughter
Turning into something else