Punching People in the Face

-- This one is dedicated to my friend Andrew, but ideally I would want Bonnie to perform it someday. --

“Punching People in the Face”

Harriet!

I’ve discovered a new form of therapy
Shown to me by—

What?

Oh
Your dress?
It looks fine
Is it meant to cinch at the waist?
No?
Not even a little?

Oh

Then it’s a disaster
Take it off
Go back in your closet
And find something that doesn’t
Make you look like a Mae West impersonator

What?

Hourglass?
Sweetie
More like an egg-timer
Go change
I’ll talk while you’re in there

SO!

I went to this new therapist
And he gave me
The most astounding advice
I was telling him about all the trouble
Well, you know
The trouble with our friends

It’s not that I don’t love them
I just get so angry with them sometimes
Due to their insensitivity
Towards my
Problems

No
Back in
Harriet
That looks like a caftan

What?
It IS a caftan?
Need I say more?

The new therapist
Dr. Montoya
Told me
That it’s very simple

I have to punch people in the face

No
No metaphor
Literally
Punch them in the face

It was a revelation

It made so much sense
Punching pillows helps
But not nearly enough
It only stands to reason
That I actually have to punch people

Only the people I’m angry at
Of course
So you’re fine

No
No
No

Harriet
Please
We’re not going to a juke joint
This is the Bethany Feingold Fundraiser
There will be rabbis there
You can’t walk around looking like
You’re going to burst into a rousing rendition
Of Chattanooga Choo-Choo

Back in you go

The first person I punched in the face
Was Larissa Stanfield
For last week
When she told me my pecan cookies
Were too sugary

She said it in front of the entire Garden Club
And now I just know I won’t win a blue ribbon
When I enter the cookies for competition in March
And it was clearly a manipulation on her part
Because she wants Marcy Wagner to win
For her vanilla bean cookies
Since they’re best friends

I walked right up to Larissa
And punched her
Right in the face

Oh, it felt grand

Seeing the blood gush out of her nose like that
She might even need reconstructive surgery
I looked down at her lying on the ground
Her nose all crunched up
And said—

‘How do you feel about my pecan cookies now, Larissa?’

I think I made my point

No
It’s too flashy
You’re a woman
Not a Las Vegas billboard
Back in

The next person I punched was Chauncy Vitner
For putting me on his Worst Dressed List
Simply because I try to be progressive
A trend-setter, many say

It’s ridiculous, Harriet
You wear one live animal
Around your neck
To a Leukemia Ball
And suddenly
You’re a walking fashion no-no

No-No
Back in
For a second
I thought my spinster Aunt Mabel
Had risen from the grave

I walked up to Chauncy
Wearing that same outfit
Although this time with a different ferret
The original one was sent to be killed
After he failed me so miserably
By jumping off my shoulders
And attacking Clea Redding

Not that I blame him
She probably reminded him
Of his long-lost love
In that awful fur coat

Chauncy seemed confused at first
Which is just what I wanted

BAM!

Right in the jaw
I even gave him a little kick
While he was down
Just like he did to me
Except I was wearing
Pointier tips

I wanted to step on his writing hand
But the therapist said
Only punches in the face
So I held back
I’d already broken the rule a little bit
With the kick
But I rationalized that it very well
Could have been me
Tripping over his unconscious body

‘Write that one up in your column.’

I wanted to say
But what would be the point?
He was practically dead
So he wouldn’t have heard me

Absolutely not
Because Harriet
I doubt we could find you
A suitable pimp at this hour
Back in

Finally
The time came
The time to punch Marcy Wagner
It was joyous

She was on her yacht
I had to commandeer a boat
A little rowboat
That was all that was available
Since my yacht is being painted
And I had Charles row out to her yacht
Which he claimed wasn’t in his job description
As if manservants have job descriptions

I stepped onto that yacht
Just like a pirate
Walked up to her
Took the daiquiri out of her hand
And socked her
Right in the eye

I bet she won’t even tell anyone
For fear that they’ll think she’s lying
And that Steven’s taken up drinking again

And Chauncy won’t tell anyone
Knocked out by a woman?
He couldn’t take the embarrassment

I would be afraid of Larissa blabbing
But I think she fears for her life
Which is just fine with me
I could use a little less of her squabbling on
At the Garden Club meetings

Not to mention
I plan to run for President next year
And she was going to be my only opposition

PERFECT!

Oh Harriet
You look wonderful
Wait
Isn’t that one of mine
That I let you borrow
That you swore you’d lost
In the Caribbean?

Harriet
Come here

It’s all right
Harriet
I’m not mad
Just come here
And take your medicine
Like a big girl

Harriet
It’s not violence
It’s therapy

Now hold still