Job Security

Can you make a Johnny Tall?
Do you know what a Johnny Tall is?
Of course you don’t
I invented it
That’s called job security, brother
No hard feelings

When you’re a bartender on Blueberry Hill
You don’t mess around
Because this is the gig to have, man
Biggest bar in the best section of San Fran
Do you know what I make?
I’ve got stock options, brother
Do you understand what I’m saying to you?

Do you know how to make a Pennsylvanian Riptide?

Fuck, is there any other kind of Riptide?

I have regulars that won’t drink anything but—

My Pennsylvanian Riptide

Job security

Do you know the rules when you bartend at Blueberry Hill?
You have to be on time
You have to be hot
And you have to be gay

Guess which rule I break

Hint

I break it all the time

Do you know how to make a Richard Chamberlain?

The first time I introduced that drink

I broke the record

For most tips in one night

They had to carry me home I was so happy

But then I made them leave me there

Nobody suspected anything

Except that maybe I was hard to get

See, nobody would want a straight bartender

Sleeping with the bartender is the dream of every gay man

Who goes to Blueberry Hill

For some of these guys

It’s the only dream they have

And you have to keep that dream alive

While never fulfilling it

The night I was hired

The owner warned me

The night you sleep with one of these guys

Word gets around

And suddenly your tips stop

The gays are fickle people

I mean, I’m not homophobic or anything

I guess if I banged a girl

I’d lose a little bit of interest

Even if she was good

Even if she was damn good

The guys around here are no different

Do you know how to make a Fertile Turtle?

Do you know how many guys have gotten laid because of my Fertile Turtles?

God, I never thought I’d hear myself saying something like that

I loved this job from the moment I started it

Because I knew there was only thing that could get me fired

And I would never do that one thing

Never

Never

Never

I’ve had guys offer me money

Lots of money

We’re talking retirement money

Indecent proposals

All for one night

But really

For the bragging rights

Or the bagging rights

Either or

I’ve had other job offers, too

You know

House boy

Dog sitter

Dungeon Cleaner

The usual

Did any of it bother me?

Nah

Not when I thought of how much less I’d be making

If I worked at a straight club

Girls don’t tip you a twenty

Just because you tell them they’re cute

Only a forty-three year old man will do that

Trust me

As for dating and falling in love

I fully plan on it

As soon as I have a house bought with cash

And a condo on the east coast

Who am I kidding?

I’m never leaving San Francisco

This place is amazing

And as long as I’m careful

I can have pretty much any girl I want

I mean, think about it

I’m a hot straight guy in the gayest city in the world

Next to Topeka, Kansas

Clearly some of you have never been to Topeka, Kansas

Anyway, trying to get laid here

Is like shooting fish in a barrel

A really gay barrel

I almost got caught once though

My neighbor’s one of Blueberry Hill’s regulars

And he saw me walking a girl out of my apartment one morning

I could see the look of shock an betrayal in his eyes

So I had to cover fast

‘Poor thing,’ I said, ‘Boyfriend dumped her. We were up all night talking and eating ice cream during a Golden Girls marathon.’

He looked touched.

I let out a sigh of relief

Ever since then, I never let anybody stay the night

God, maybe I am becoming a gay man

Hey, can you make a Frozen Harlot?

How about just a regular Harlot?

Didn’t think so

The other bartender who works with me is cool

Blueberry Hill is set up with two bars

There’s the main bar that I run with two other guys

And then there’s the mini-bar on the raised level

That has Gino and his little helper

Gino’s cool, man

If I were…you know

I’d be all about him

And I feel bad because aside from me

His record is flawless

I’m the one get he can’t seem to…well…get

Part of me wants to put the poor guy out of his misery

Just say

‘Hey Gino, don’t sweat it. You’re just not my type. But I bet your sister would be.’

Sometimes when he comes down to see me at the main bar at the end of the night

If the music’s still blaring

I’ll shout out

‘I’m straight, Gino, I’m straight!’

One time he heard me

He just laughed and said

‘Yeah right. In those jeans?’

Can you make a Wham, Bam, Thank You Ma’am?

Or Sir, I guess, nobody ever seems to mind the title

I have to watch myself around here

Can’t tell anyone my favorite band is Def Leppard

Oh sure, I’m playing up to stereotypes

But the fact is, just like any group of people

There are things gay men just do not like

In San Francisco there are things you are not allowed to be a fan of

Such as—

Heavy Metal

Talk Radio

Lite Beer

Cinnamon Toast Crunch

And Poppyseed bagels, but I’m still not sure why

Working at Blueberry Hill has certainly been an education for me

I can now sing all the words to “Stormy Weather”

I can recite from memory Priscilla, Queen of the Desert

For once in my life, I have a favorite Rodgers and Hammerstein’s show

But everyone teases me because it’s Flower Drum Song

Have I kissed a guy?

Yes

I mean, you got to give them a little of what they want, right?

It was Gino

I was drunk

He wasn’t

It was quick

No tongue

Lots of lip though

And while I was doing it, I didn’t even picture a girl

I just remember thinking

Make it look real

Make it look real

Which is stupid, because a kiss is a kiss, right?

Well, no

Girls—girls kiss different than boys

Most girls kiss you like they’re putting something in your hands

They’re giving you permission

They’re allowing you in

A boy kisses you like he knew you wanted him before your lips touched his

It’s aggressive

It’s passionate

It’s kind of hot, to be honest with you

But I haven’t done it since

I’m not sure what the allure is in having something dangled just out of your reach

Over and over again

Back in New York, if I couldn’t get a girl

I just wiped her clean from my mind

Most of the time you run a race just because you want to know you can win it

Not necessarily for the trophy they give you at the end

At least that’s how I feel

I’d rather live my life loving than chasing love

Gino slept on my couch the other night

He was plastered

Kept begging me to…

You know

I said, ‘Gino, man, you gotta give me up’

He said, ‘You don’t give up on love. And I love you, man.’

Never had someone say they loved me before.

…So I said it back.

And I meant it

In my own way

He loves me because he can’t have me

And I love him because he can’t have me

Does that make any sense?

I love the way he loves me

No girl’s ever going to love me that way

Maybe just as much

But never in that aggressive, almost violent kind of way

Never that openly and that vulnerable

Never stone cold drunk just so they can ease that love

Never

Anyway

Can you make a Failed Attempt?
How about a Forbidden Fruit?
A Broken Heart?
I told you
It’s job security