-- So, as some might know, I write a little blog called "Catty Bitchy Queens" about the adventures of a group of gay men in my little hometown of Providence. I wrote 100 episodes and then put it down for awhile, but starting in January I get to revisit those dirty little CBQ's. It's always been my dream to produce, star in, and write a television show, and since I'm not heading to Hollywood anytime soon, this is the closest I'm going to get. CBQ is a big, old soap opera-and so this year, I had to throw in an evil twin. I was trying to figure out a way to introduce my new doppleganger, and what better way than a facebook monologue? Warning--Jackson's views are not my views, and he is DEFINITELY not for the faint of heart or the workplace.
Picture it--a club, a Saturday night, Jackson, his brother, and a group of their friends are having a grand old time, when Jackson suggests to a cute guy at the bar that they go dance.
The boy's response?
"I don't think my boyfriend would like that very much."
And this is what Jackson has to say--
JACKSON
I'm sorry
What did you say to me?
You said--
What?
Your
Your what?
Your boyfriend
Wouldn't like that
Very much
Uhhhhhhh
Huh
Gotcha
Your boyfriend wouldn't like that very much
JEREMY: Jackson, don't--
JACKSON
I fucked your boyfriend
Do you know that?
Are you aware
Of that?
I fucked him
Immediately upon arriving into town
Which was only three months ago
So I hope you haven't been dating longer than that
Because three months ago
I fucked your boyfriend
I fucked your boyfriend
In his bed
In my bed
On a formica countertop
On a tile floor in a guest bathroom
In a 1998 Nissan
While it was on 295 doing seventy
Hard
Long
Sweaty
Dirty
Nasty
Vocal
Fucking
Your boyfriend
Let me do things to him
That you're never going to get to do
NEVER
Oh
But victory to you
You have him in a relationship
Kudos
I mean
I wouldn't date him
Because I'm not some dumb little twink
Who he can play mindgames with
And win
But that's just me
JEREMY: Jackson, you've had a lot to drink.
JACKSON
How dare you
How dare you go to a bar
Stand there
Looking all come hither
And then when someone does
Throw a boyfriend in their face
A boyfriend who nobody else wants
As if he's some kind of prize
As if any of us are interested
As if you wouldn't cheat
Given the slightest opportunity
You'll probably go home
And search for me online
So you can flirt-message with me
Put me in your
'Just in case I dump my boyfriend' file
Which should really be called--
'When my boyfriend finds a hotter ass to fuck' file
But you won't dance with me in public
So you can keep things on the downlow
Like the little closetbanger you are
JEREMY: Jackson, that's enough.
JACKSON
And your boyfriend
Makes you feel special
Doesn't he?
Doesn't he, sweetie?
Doesn't he validate you?
Doesn't he make you feel like less of a gumball whore?
Because he won't date just anyone
Because he's picky
Because he doesn't just care about sex
I'm sure you two have tons of
Like
Wicked good conversation
Hey
I still have his number
Maybe I should text him
And see how long
Before he's at my door
Waiting for me
To let him into my bed
Maybe you could come back with me
And we could all have some fun
Except for me
Because I'd be with two people
Who don't know how to fuck properly
Because one just gets off on being in control
On acting like Mr. Academia in public
And then donning leather chaps
And whipping boys who look like they're twelve
Once the bedroom doors are close
And the other has a Daddy complex
A fucked up face
And genital warts
DAVIS: Whoa, I'm stepping back from this one.
JACKSON
Fuck you
I fucked your boyfriend
I fucked him
For hours
For days
Whole weekends
And he still texts me about them
To this day
I fucked your best friend
The one standing over there
Trying not to be seen
Because now he's dating a guy
Who he lied to
Said he was a virgin
Am I right, Dean?
Dean the Virgin?
Isn't that your new name?
Please Dean
Find me the doctor
Who gave you back your virginity
FInd me the priest
Or the voodoo man
Or the miracle worker
Whomever they may be
I simply must get their number
Back to you, skanktank
I fucked all your exes
Every last one of them
And they all said you sucked in bed
But I was willing to give you
The chance to prove them wrong
Now you can forget it
I fucked your dream guys
Your fantasies are the men
Whose phone calls
I don't return
I fucked your hot high school history teacher
He thought you should have been in Special Ed
I fucked the waiter you had at Cheesecake Factory
When you were celebrating your anniversary
With your boyfriend
Who I fucked
I fucked the guy who didn't give you the time of day
When you were single
Actually
I fucked ALL the guys who didn't give you the time of day
When you were single
I fucked the men you watch on xtube to get you off
I fucked celebrities
I fucked deities
I fucked your brother
The one you don't even know is gay
And I would have fucked you
I would have thrown you that
Little scrap of confidence
Because every once in awhile
I feel like doing a good deed
But you decided to get cocky
You decided to toss off
'My boyfriend wouldn't like that very much'
As if you having a boyfriend
Makes you any less of an ugly little fucktard
JEREMY: Oh God.
JACKSON
Go find your boyfriend
Go dance with him
And then never show your face in public again
You're off the market
Clubs aren't for couples
They're for those of us
Who didn't have to settle for domesticity
Because we can still play the game
And win
Oh, and by the way
I fucked your boyfriend
And he liked that
Very much
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