Annabelle Saves the Day

-- "Burn the Dress" is similar to this, I admit. But sometimes it's fun to look at things from both a dramatic and a comedic angle. Annabelle's been in over three different things that I've tried to write. I always end up scrapping the projects, but I can never seem to scrap her. Recently, when someone I admire greatly asked me to write something for them, it took me all of a second to realize if Annabelle ever came to life, it would be with her. And since I usually deal with the loss of actual people, I thought it would be interesting to explore a loss that's a little more personal (as of late) and can be utterly devastating--the loss of a job. Okay, enough Actor's Studio. Enjoy. --

"Annabelle Saves the Day"

Well I'm sorry
I'm sorry darling
But this place is a sty
It is a veritable sty

What does that word mean anyway?
Veritable?
I've always liked it but I've never looked it up

Anyway, back to your little pigpen here
You have got to get yourself together, Missy
Windows don't clean themselves
Help does
And you don't have any help
Which is why I'm here
To help you remember that you need to clean!

Where is Mason?
Where is my godchild?
Is he hiding somewhere
Underneath a pile of potato skins and old newspapers perhaps?
Missy, this place makes Grey Gardens look like Plaza Hotel

Was that a rat or some sort of domesticated pet?
Anything bigger than a hamster and I step on it
And I do not feel bad in the slightest
I am not afraid to squash a little head
If it comes near me unsoliticed

Lord, Missy, the least you could have done
Was put up my Christmas photo
You knew I was coming
Yes, I appreciate that you're wearing the sweater I sent you
But if I had known you were just going to wear it laying in bed all day
Sulking and moping
I would have sent you a poncho instead

What's the point in having something nice if nobody's going to see it?
And feel jealous?
Can you tell me that?

Mason!
Oh God, my boy
My big strong boy
Your godmother is here Mason
Come kiss your Auntie Annabelle
She's here to save the day

What's that on your eyes?
Is that eye-liner?
Mason why on earth are you wearing make-up?
You're wearing more than I am!
You look like your mother with better cheekbones!

What's that?
What does that mean?
Missy are you aware your son is now something called Goth?
Is that like Goth-ick?
Like Faulkner?
How appropriate
Since your mother is acting out her own little version
Of 'As I Lay Dying'

What's the name of the band?
The Devil's Nosering?

.....

Well, I guess it's better than another kind of ring

Oh, stop it, Missy
You may forget this
But you weren't the only one alive in the seventies

Mason, take that make-up off
Quit that awful band
And do something productive with your time
Like horseback ride
Or fighting fascists like your father

Darling, I think it's fantastic that you're being creative
But can't you be creative without looking like a holiday hooker?
Glam is out, Mason, and it is not coming back
As someone who once had David Bowie chasing after her, you can--
Oh, I'm not going to talk about that
It was a long time ago
And it makes your mother angry
To hear about all the men who loved me when we were young

She only got your father
And I can't say that was much of a prize
More like a lifelong tumor

Oh Missy, I'm just teasing

Mason, didn't you used to play the viola?
Well what happened to that?
Darling, of course girls are attracted to boys
Who play classical instruments!
Why do you think I married your Uncle Travis?

Missy, shut up!
A xylophone is just as much of an instrument
As anything else
What did your husband ever play?
Besides the Three's Company drinking game?

Oh, now she's crying
Mason, Mama and I need to talk
Go wash your face
And I'll get dinner started

Do you know what dinner is, darling?
Have you ever had it?
I'm sure your mother's stumbled into the kitchen
At least once before now
But who knows if she knew what to do
Once she got there

.....

Missy, that boy is a plane crashing into a trainwreck
He looks like Bozo the Clown gone SoHo
What are you doing about it?

You had Victor talk to him?
And just what did the wise old sage say?

'You missed a spot?'
'A little more rouge?'
'That corset doesn't do you justice?'

Don't tell me about your depression
Aunt Lydia was depressed
And when she got over it
And looked around at her family
She realized that between her three children
She'd raised a wino, a lesbian, and a motorbiker

Where does Mason go to school?

WHAT?!
What happened to Foster Academy?
You can't possibly be sending him to public school

What's he learning?
How to fire a gun and skin a cat?

I'm pulling him out of there immediately

I don't care if they do have a good music program
That's probably where he met the other members
Of Satan's Toenail

I'm well-aware that you can't afford
To send him anywhere else, Missy
I am well-versed in your financial situation
Despite you refusing to speak to me about it

How else would I find out?
I called Mama

Oh, don't worry
It wasn't that easy
She still protects her little girl
I'm just the mean one
Who took forty-three hours to come out of her
Weighing nine and a half pounds
On the hottest day of the year

Remember when she used to tell me
That she almost named me Pot Roast

I only got it out of her
When I threatened to have her move in with me
She was so terrified
She not only told me all about Victor losing his job
She gave me the dirt on Henry too

Apparently our brother didn't move to Key West
For the warm weather

.....

Let's just say
When he told Mama that he frequented
A place called The Tasty Pastry
He was NOT referring to a quaint cafe
That serves éclairs

Oh, he always told her everything
The Little Mama's Boy

I should have known about him early on
Every time he'd play in my room
One of my hair clips would disappear

Which I suppose means I owe you an apology
For all those wrist slaps

Don't you roll over when I'm talking to you
I will roll you back myself if I--

DEAR LORD!

Have you showered?
Missy this has gone too far
When hygiene becomes an issue
It's time to call in the professionals

No I don't mean doctors
I was referring to a beautician

I could have Marlene here
In under an hour
Hosing you off and doing your nails

For a twenty dollar tip
That woman will do anything
And I'm not just referring to cosmetics either
But at least she does a good job on highlights

Let me sit down with you
Could you move the pizza box
I'd hate to catch leprosy
And be shedding skin my whole visit

Missy, baby, there is nothing to be ashamed about
These are hard times
People are getting laid off all over the place
I have to work twice as hard
To get men to buy me drinks when I go out

Oh, Travis doesn't mind
As long as I don't make him go to the theater

Whenever I want a new dress
I just drop the name 'Ibsen'
And before I know I have a hundred dollar bill in my hand

Missy, he's a music teacher
We're not rolling in money
We just managed to save
Because we didn't have any children of our own

You have twice the responsibilities I have
Granted, you also have none of the coping mechanisms

There's no shame in suffering hardships
But there is shame in just plain suffering

Do you remember the summer the house was flooded out?
We were lying in bed
And all of a sudden
Water came rushing in at us
You jumped towards me
And before I knew it
We were going out past the guest house
Towards the river

I grabbed hold of a loose board on the barn
It pulled me off the bed
I was terrified I lost you
But then I felt your nightgown in my other hand
And I looked over and you were a foot away from me
I remember being so worried
Because I didn't think I was strong enough to hold on

Mama told me later she and Daddy were on the roof
Trying to find a way to get to us
Without everybody being killed
She said she was hysterical screaming
Crying out our names at the top of her lungs
Daddy had to slap her to calm her down
Because she was pregnant with Henry
And he didn't want her to lose him

She said she saw everything we owned
Going by you and I
But that I never once looked away from you
Even when the big oak dining room table
Nearly ran right into us
I just kept holding onto you
And yelling your name
So you would focus on me

Everything we had was gone
But I held onto you
I held onto the only thing that mattered
And that's what you have to do now

You got a husband who loves you
And even though he's a stuck-up
Fascist, pig-headed moron
He's also been good to you
And he needs you to be strong for him

I know I tease him
But he's not all bad
Physically he repulses me
And mentally he's a step above a cooked onion
But as a husband
He's done right by you so far

He's too stupid to cheat
Too insecure to drink too much
Too nervous to have fun
And now he's broke
So he can't gamble

That happens to be all
That a man can do wrong
Without help from his friends

I bet he's out right now looking for a job
And maybe he won't find one
But when he comes home
He needs to find his wife strong
And ready to face whatever comes
With him
Side by side
Not lying down

He lost a job
And you lost a little money
But you haven't lost each other
But you will if you don't snap out of this

If you need to get help
Get it
If you need drugs
Take them
If you need to have a little tryst with a nice young man
Who'll make you feel like a woman again
I have a few recommendations

But you have got to pull yourself together
And I'm going to stay until you do
I told Travis I was going on a little vacation

Oh, he'll be fine
I turned on ESPN
Made him a ham
And put a pot in front of him
That should take care of just about everything

Now let's go
We're going to clean this house
Starting with Mason's room
No more make-up
Anything worthwhile
I'm confiscating for myself

.....

Well!
Look whose home!
The reason I took up drinking!
Would you like to help me remove your wife
From your bed linens
Or are you just going to stand around watching
Trying to figure out
How to use your opposable thumbs

Look at that
Missy's already throwing back the sheets

You can thank me later, Victor