An Audience with the King

-- I thought it was time to try writing something comedic --

Good day, your majesty
Spring is once again upon us
Which means, as we all know
Barbarian attacks are picking up

Normally, we would squash these savages
Beat them with large sticks
Perhaps even small sticks
As the Barbarians seem to be getting smaller
With each progressive year

However, we've run into a little problem
We don't believe the people attacking us this year
Are, in fact, Barbarians

For one thing, they speak French
Very good French, impeccable actually
And, although they are dressed like Barbarians
The outfits they're wearing
Appear more like Barbarian costumes
Rather than actual Barbarian attire

Yes, I do believe
We're being attacked by the French
But we can't actually accuse them of that
Due to the alleged costumes

It seems the French have found a way
To wage war without worry of counterattacks

Well, we would just attack anyway, your majesty
But we've been a little busy with the attacking sheep

After tiresome investigating
We've found that what we thought were traitorous sheep
Incredibly intelligent sheep
Who somehow learned how to build and use catapults
Are actually...The Italians

Yes, the Italians are dressing like sheep
It took us awhile to come to this conclusion
But the other day, we heard one of the lady sheep
Singing an aria, at which point it became clear
That not only were the Italians dressing as sheep
In order to attack us without fear of retribution
Much like the French
But they had also imported their opera singers with them

Yes, your majesty, I find it very unlikely
That a sheep would know La Boheme

Well, we were going to attack the Italian sheep, your majesty
But the local chapter of the Society for Prevention of Cruelty Against Livestock
Or, SPOCAL, as they're known
Threatened to file a grievance against us
Granted, you are the judge in all grievances
But the trial still would have been lengthy
Trials involving SPOCAL always are
Sheep-loving, tree-hugging bastards that they are
Beg your pardon for the language, your majesty
As I was saying, the trial would have been long and costly
So we've put off attacking the Italians dressed as sheep

We thought of explaining the situation to SPOCAL
But when we tried, Melvin, the Head of the local chapter
Told us that even someone dressed as a sheep
Has the same rights as an actual sheep
Melvin's a bit daft, your majesty, I agree
I was the one who suggested beheading him
But then you reminded me that he's your sister's boy
If you recall

As if that weren't bad enough
In addition to the fields being filled with sheeps using catapults
And the Barbarians filming short bits of French cinema
In between attacking the castle
There are now flamenco dancers
Mating with the local farmers
And the babies that are being born
Are most hideous

Beg your pardon, your majesty?

Oh, the flamenco dancers are from Spain
The Spanish aren't attacking us
They're merely setting up markets
To sell goods and weaponry
To those who ARE attacking us
They're making quite a pretty penny, I must say
My brother invested in a local sandwich stall
And he's--I'm sorry, your majesty
Of course, I'll have him jailed immediately

Government before family
Absolutely

I don't suppose I could take over collecting money from the stall
Once he's jailed?

No, of course not, your majesty
I'm a total fool

Well, we WOULD kick the Spanish out
And murder all the deformed
Spaniard/Farm children
But Spain might see that as murdering half their citizens in this country
Or rather, murdering their half-citizens
However you want to look at it, your majesty

And we don't want to seem barbaric ourselves
Or create an international incident
Since the entire world already seems to hate us

No, three countries are not the entire world
But considering that we have reason to believe
The birds that have been flying over the castle
Dropping firebombs into private chambers
Speak Swedish--

We heard one of them that looked like a parrot
Granted, an over-sized, hairy parrot
Yell something distinctly Scandinavian
So I suppose it could have been one of the Fins

--And then there are the bushes
The ones that have been kidnapping our young girls
One of the young ladies escaped
And told us that her captors
Mentioned something
About bringing her back to Germany

If all of that weren't enough
There's an election next year to think about

Did you forget, your majesty?
The people voted down the monarchy
In the last election you tried to forbid
Until you backed down
When they threatened to behead you

The polls are in
And it seems you're behind
People don't feel you can protect them
What with the Barbarians and the sheep
And the birds and the bushes
And the deformed flamenco dancing babies

What's that?
No, we don't know how the Swedes learned to fly
Although they've been getting rather chummy with the Russians
And we've heard word that they've created some sort of wing-apparatus

Yes, your majesty
People just don't seem to fight fair anymore