We're Going to Lose

Okay team
Here's the deal
We're going to lose this game

And not by a little either
We're going to lose by a lot
A hell of a lot
We're talking maybe seventy points here

It's a bloodbath
And it's our blood in the bath

That being said
We have some options

Our first option is to keep giving it our all
And perhaps prevent ourselves from getting to the point
Where we're sitting on the court
Weeping into our gym shorts
And begging to be put out of our misery

We might even prevent them from scoring more points
But it's not likely

Either way, we lose

Our second option is the one I like a little better
It's a little unconventional
And some of you might find it repulsive
Those of you who do
Leave now

I say--we play dirty

We're going down
But that doesn't mean we can't take them with us

I say we bite
I'm talking hard bites
In good places

Legs, ankles, arms
No necks
We don't want to kill them
But we do want to leave marks

We can't give them a game anymore
But we can give them a battle
We can ridicule them
We can make them scream for mercy
In a very real and scary way

We can take after the Japanese
Who never surrender until every warrior is dead
Let's be like them, boys
Let's kill ourselves before we give them victory

I'm speaking metaphorically
I hope you boys know that

Let's call their mothers whores
Let's call their sisters sluts
Let's call their cheerleaders oral vacuum cleaners
That one won't be too much of a stretch

Let's kiss each other under the net
And see if they can still focus
It's not gay if it happens when you're wearing a jersey, boys
Remember that

That play they've done on us twenty-six times
The one that always seems to work
If they pull that on us again
I say we drop on pants around our ankles
And run around squawking
Squawking and flapping our arms

They want to make a mockery of us?
Let's see 'em try while our ding dongs are hanging loose
And we're imitating chickens

The point is--only we can make mockeries of ourselves!
And somehow, in that, there's more dignity

I say we kick 'em in the shins
I say we pull their hair like sassy lassies
I say we chest bump them until they fall down
And then when they do
We hop up and down on top of them

Let's overturn their bench with their team still on it
Let's throw rocks at their spectators
Let's do the YMCA during the final minute

I'll even volunteer to punch their coach in the teeth
Cocky son-of-a-bitch

The point is
We can't win
We're going to lose
And as long as we are

Let's have some fun