Making Love to Murray

-- It always amazes me the depths gay men will sink to when they're trying to someone in bed. It also amazes me how gay men can find themselves suddenly attracted to someone just because other people find them attractive. I plan on exploring both of those topics in much greater--and more humorous--detail when the CBQ blog comes back--www.cattybitchyqueen

s.blogspot.com. But until then, here's Murray. --

"Making Love to Murray"

We're not sure how it happened
But somehow the rumor got around
That Murray was the boy to get
The boy to get in bed

Drake was the one
Who gave Murray his nickname
Because of the hump on Murray's back
And his bad skin

None of us ever called him
'Acne-modo' to his face
But no sooner would he walk past us
Then Drake would start ringing an imaginary bell
With guacamole dip dabbed on his face

It was cruel
But nobody said anything
Because Drake's pretty hot
And also pretty violent
Which makes him even hotter
So basically
You laugh when he rings that bell

When word got out that Murray--
And again
No clue how this happened--
That Murray was amazing in bed
Drake was the first fish to bite

'I'm going to nail that little gargoyle'

But he didn't

The first night after Drake went on his mission
Murray walked into the club
And there was Drake on the bar
With nothing on but a pair of red boxer briefs
And chocolate sauce on his nipples

'Hey Murray! You want to be my ice cream sundae?'

Murray looked up at him
Shook his head
And walked away

We were all puzzled
But now it was clear
Murray was the man to get

Trent tried starting a rumor
That he'd already gotten Murray
Long before it became cool

'We used to be bang buddies.'

When we asked for exact dates
Trent skirted the issue
Finally he named a day
And we cross-checked with Murray

'That was when I had one of my moles removed.'

So much for that then
We ridiculed him to the point of exile
For pretending he'd been lucky enough
To get Murray before any of us had

Diego asked Murray out seventeen times
Each time he went
But nothing was ever consummated

'I even took him to Trekkie Fest.
Fifty-five dollar tickets.
And he still didn't bite!'

This was getting serious

Paul tried showering Murray with gifts
When he asked Murray what sorts of things he liked
He was given an itemized list

1) Bird watching
2) Playing pinball
3) Different kinds of non-scented soaps
4) Hackey-sack
5) Brideshead Revisited

'What the hell am I supposed to buy him?'

Paul was torn
So he got him goggles
Tickets to a community theater's production
Of The Who's Tommy
Four soaps shaped like pigeons
And a first edition copy of Brideshead
That he presumed was his favorite novel

Murray accepted them all
And then went out on two dates with Paul
Before telling him
That he liked men who didn't try to buy his love

Nick told Murray he was dying
Murray said he was diagnosed with four terminal diseases
Before the age of seven
All turned out to be red herrings
His organs
Like the rest of him
Were simply shaped differently
Than most people

Ethan claimed that he was in love with Murray
It was the same story he told us
So perhaps he really was
Ethan loved nothing more than a challenge
And Murray had become the Mona Lisa
Of challenges

Murray told Ethan that you can't love someone
Without knowing something about them
And then said he was deleting Ethan's number

That was when Ethan went to the bad place

'Just sneeze on me, Murray.
It'll be more than you've given anyone else.
Just cough on me.
Press your hump up against me.
Please.
Please Murray!
Anything!
Just let me touch you!
DON'T YOU HAVE ANY COMPASSION?'

. . . . .

Murray moved a few weeks later
To a town up the coast
Where he's supposedly dating a nice boy
That he meant at a pinball tournament
In Ontario

None of us have ever been the same
Since Murray left
Every time somebody walks into the bar
No matter how grotesque they appear
We look them over

'Should we do it now?'
'What if they're the next Murray?'
'Isn't it smart to get to them early on?'

So now Drake has slept with One Arm Andy
Sometimes he'll do the bell ring
And Andy will hit him with his one arm
Until he apologizes

Trent is dating a blind guy
Or he says he is
The blind guy says they're just friends
But Trent says they've already gone all the way

Diego has fallen in love with a southpaw
Whatever that means

Paul decided he likes women
Finding out there was someone
He couldn't buy
Made him realize
That women might be more responsive
To his tactics
And he found a bunch
Living in Orange County

Ethan became a hippie
And we never heard from him again

As for Nick
He met someone
Someone he wouldn't have given a second thought to
Before Murray

There's nothing really wrong with him
He's no model
But he's a good guy
And Nick is pretty happy with him

It seems that once you want Murray
You can want just about anybody