Casting

                (HELEN is finishing something up in her office.  SHELLY approaches.)

SHELLY:  Uh, Miss—

HELEN:  If you’re here for the show, we cancelled it.

SHELLY:  Uh—

HELEN:  I know.  The show must go on, but it’s not going on.  Whoever said the show must go on probably wasn’t anticipating comets hurtling towards the planet, so I’m sure they’ll forgive us.  I’d refer you to the box office staff for our refund policy but none of them showed up and I don’t blame them.  Besides, you only get a refund if the world isn’t destroyed and they’re saying there’s only a twenty percent chance of that not happening anyway, so—

SHELLY:  So?

HELEN:  So?

SHELLY:  Oh, sorry—right—So.  Well, so, uh, I’m not here for the play.

HELEN:  Are you looking for a shelter?  I think they’re setting them up down by the high school.

SHELLY:  I’m here about me, actually.

HELEN:  I’m sorry?

SHELLY:  I auditioned here.  A year ago.  For your season?

HELEN:  Sweetheart, a million people audition for this season, we’re a well-respected—

SHELLY:  (Holding up her hand.)  I know what you are.  I, uh, I didn’t get cast.

HELEN:  Well, again, lots of people don’t—

SHELLY:  But you must know, right?  I mean, by looking at me, you probably know why I didn’t cast.

HELEN:  Is this what you’re here for?

SHELLY:  Yes.  Yes, it is.  I’m a failed actress.  I know that because I’m about to die and I’m not successful.  So—

HELEN:  One rejection—

SHELLY:  You’re not the only one that rejected me.  Everyone’s rejected me.  Countless rejections.  But last year wasn’t the only year I’ve auditioned here.  I’ve auditioned here every year for the past five years.

HELEN:  Five years?  How old are you?

SHELLY:  I’m younger than I look.  Which should be an asset to me.  People are supposed to love youth.  But nothing.  Not even a callback.  Even just now, you didn’t even remember me.

HELEN:  Look, if this is really how you want to spend your last day on Earth—

SHELLY:  It is actually.  And I don’t think that’s so strange.  I want to die knowing where I went wrong.

HELEN:  You probably didn’t do anything wrong.  Millions of actors have a hard time getting work.  Some never work—even some of the good ones.  It’s not a reflection of them.  It’s a reflection of the business.

SHELLY:  Bullshit.

HELEN:  Okay, yes, you’re right.  That’s bullshit.  But honestly?  I don’t have time for this.  I have a bottle of something older than you waiting for me in a kitchen in a cabin in upstate New York.

SHELLY:  I want to know what’s wrong with me.

HELEN:  Well, for one thing, you’re pushy.

SHELLY:  Okay.

HELEN:  I was kidding.

SHELLY:  But you’re right.  I am pushy.  What else?

HELEN:  Kid, look, I’m not so cruel that I’d let the last thing you hear be the reason you didn’t make it.  What good would that do?  People are going to die all over the world having succeeded or failed at things.  Our times all got cut short.  You think I haven’t failed at things?

SHELLY:  What have you failed at?  You’re running the biggest theater in the tri-state area.

HELEN:  Yeah, and that cabin I’m going to doesn’t have any people in it.  Just the one bottle I told you about.  Not exactly the product of a successful life.

SHELLY:  Is it because I’m not tall enough?

HELEN:  Oh my God.

SHELLY:  Pretty enough?

HELEN:  Have you heard a word I’ve said?

SHELLY:  But it is something, isn’t it?

HELEN:  It could be a lot of things, and it could be a lot of things for a lot of different people.

SHELLY:  Just for you.  What about me doesn’t work for you?

HELEN:  Maybe you just never fit any of the roles I was looking to cast.

SHELLY:  Five years of roles, and I didn’t work for ANY of them?  Who am I?  Kathy Bates?

HELEN:  Listen—

SHELLY:  Just tell me so we can both leave.  Then you can go to your cabin and I can go to my crying bench in front of the Pinkberry at the mall.

                (A beat.)

HELEN:  Your hair.

SHELLY:  What about my hair?

HELEN:  I don’t like your hair.

SHELLY:  Really?

HELEN:  Really.  I hate it.

SHELLY:  Have you always hated it?

HELEN:  I don’t remember if I’ve always hated it, but I really hate it now.  And I can’t see anything else about you I would immediately hate.  Your voice is fine, you seem to have a decent presence, and I can’t imagine you’d show up unprepared or poorly dressed, so it’s probably always been your hair.

SHELLY:  But I could cut my hair.

HELEN:  I guess you could.  I don’t know if that would help but—

SHELLY:  But why didn’t you even suggest it?

HELEN:  You think I’m going to offer suggestions to everybody who walks into my audition?  ‘Nice job, but you should have worn different shoes.’  ‘Great interpretation, but next time, don’t wear those glasses.’  ‘You’re brilliant, but that nail polish isn’t working for you.’  I’m not teaching a class.  I’m looking at hundreds of people for a few open roles, and anything I can use to eliminate people helps me.  Even petty things.  The last thing I want to do is improve people so I have even more options to choose from.

SHELLY:  Aren’t options a good thing?

HELEN:  Yeah, when you’re looking for Annie, Hamlet, or Mama Rose.  For everybody else, you just want somebody who’ll learn the lines and not drive you insane.  Sometimes you settle for one out of two.

SHELLY:  So there might not have been anything—

HELEN:  I told you that, didn’t I?

SHELLY:  But that’s incredibly frustrating!

HELEN:  But it’s better than knowing you suck, isn’t it?

                (A beat.)

SHELLY:  I…yes and no.

HELEN:  You know, I used to act too.  You know why I stopped?

                (SHELLY shakes her head.)

Because of people like me.

SHELLY:  Are you really that bad?

HELEN:  Oh honey, I’m awful.  But I can’t tell if I’ve always been awful and this business just leant itself to my awfulness, or if I was sort of decent before years of it wore away at any goodness I had left in me.

SHELLY:  So you regret it?

HELEN:  Sometimes.  It’s like a rollercoaster without a seatbelt.  If you can hang on, it’s exhilarating but more than once during the ride, you think—Was this really a good idea?

SHELLY:  So you're saying I'm lucky I never got too far in?

HELEN:  I'm saying it wasn't meant to be.  And the truth is, you can have all the talent and technique in the world but if it's not going to happen...forget it.  So forget it.

     (A beat.)

SHELLY:  I'm not sure I want to say 'Thank you' for all this, but--

HELEN:  Don't worry about it.  Just try to have a good rest of the world, okay?

SHELLY:  Okay.

     (She exits.)

HELEN:  And get a haircut.

     (She sits down and thinks.)