Shuffleboard

(The deck of a cruise ship.  ARI sits.  TAYLOR approaches.)

TAYLOR:  If this boat sinks, I’m screwed.

ARI:  This was supposed to be our last night on the ship.  Now we’re stuck because they won’t want to get too close to land in case of…

TAYLOR:  Comets hitting cause tidal waves.  We shouldn’t be out in the middle of the ocean.

ARI:  They’ve done the numbers.  They know what they’re doing.

TAYLOR:  Who’s they?  People who run cruise ships?  That’s who’s making the life and death decisions here?

ARI:  It’s not like we have a choice.  What are we going to do?  Commandeer a lifeboat?

TAYLOR:  Remember how excited we were when we found out we’d be going on a cruise together?

ARI:  We weren’t excited.  Nobody was excited.

TAYLOR:  I—

ARI:  Okay, maybe you were excited.  The last thing I wanted was to go on a cruise.  I get seasick, I’ve seen Titanic a million times, and I can’t swim.  A cruise—Jesus.

TAYLOR:  Your parents, my parents—everybody gets together and springs for this for us as a graduation present and now—

ARI:  Death.

TAYLOR:  Not necessarily certain death, but yeah, probably death.

ARI:  Unless they’re right about this whole ‘we’re safer out in the middle of the ocean’ thing in which case—

TAYLOR:  Everyone we know dies and we live out the rest of our lives on a cruise ship watching that Motown revue every night and playing shuffleboard until we lose our minds.

ARI:  I’m going to jump.

TAYLOR:  You’ll survive.

ARI:  How do you know that?

TAYLOR:  Because you and I are friends because we both have terrible luck.  You’d survive.  You’d break every bone in your body, but you’d survive, and the boat would keep sailing on, and eventually a shark would come by and eat you.  It would be prolonged and awful.  Just take your chances with the comet.

ARI:  I wish they had sent us to Coachella like we asked.

TAYLOR:  They don’t even know what Coachella is.  If we had tried to explain it to them, they probably would have accidentally bought us tickets to a Vietnamese film festival.

ARI:  We shouldn’t have come.

TAYLOR:  We had to go.  Your mom was hugging me and my mom was hugging you, and they were so happy with this thing they came up with, and neither of us could have broken the other person’s parent’s hearts.  They learned years ago how to play us against each other like that.  It’s genius—really.

(A moment.)

ARI:  Have you really been playing shuffleboard?

TAYLOR:  Ironically.  I’ve ironically been playing shuffleboard.

ARI:  Oh, don’t spoon feed me that one, Taylor.

TAYLOR:  You could have attempted to have fun, you know.

ARI:  We were two days out when they started talking about the comet.  How could I have fun?

TAYLOR:  We’re on a cruise ship.  The one place on earth where the only possible thing to do is have fun.

ARI:  Well, I’ve always been good at finding loopholes.

TAYLOR:  Is there something else going on?

ARI:  Aside from you not telling me the real reason we’re on this cruise?

(A moment.)

TAYLOR:  It is a graduation present.

ARI:  Is that all it is?

(A moment.)

TAYLOR:  Nobody wanted you to freak out.

ARI:  Now I’m trapped on a boat and freaking out.

TAYLOR:  Who told you?

ARI:  Now I’m seasick and freaking out.

TAYLOR:  Ari—

ARI:  Now I’m dealing with this and the comet and—

TAYLOR:  Enough.

(A moment.)

ARI:  You’re my best friend and I love you but I feel blind-sided by all of this.

TAYLOR:  You and I…We’re unusual people.  We deal with things unusually.  Nobody knew how you would respond, so—

ARI:  They thought—What?  I’d have a breakdown.  Another breakdown?  That I’d—

TAYLOR:  Suggest jumping off a ship?

ARI:  That was a joke.

TAYLOR:  You know I don’t like when you joke like that.

ARI:  I’m.  Not.  Sick.  Anymore.

TAYOR:  You’re always going to be sort of sick.  Just like I’m never going to be able to climb Mount Everest.  Or maybe I will.  Who knows?  But right now, it’d be difficult.  And that’s a fact.  And it’s nothing to be ashamed of.  You’re always going to be sort of sick, Ari.  It’s not a ‘go away’ kind of thing.

ARI:  But I’m fine now—in this moment.

TAYLOR:  You don’t seem fine.

ARI:  WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME ABOUT GRAD SCHOOL?

(A pause.)

TAYOR:  Because you don’t handle change well—

ARI:  Screw you.

TAYLOR:  This would be you not handling it well.

ARI:  We never even talked about it.

TAYLOR:  It was a long shot.

ARI:  But it’s happening.

TAYLOR:  It was still a long shot.  Long shots occasionally happen.

ARI:  Where is it?

TAYLOR:  How did you—

ARI:  You brought the stupid acceptance letter onboard.

TAYOR:  I like it.  It’s nice.  It’s on nice paper.  And it means I did something.  Something major.  And it’d be nice if you could be happy for me!

ARI:  Where.  Are.  You.  Going?

TAYLOR:  Nevada.

ARI:  Holy shit.

TAYLOR:  Not Antarctica.  Nevada.  It’s a U.S. State.

ARI:  So now you have plans.  You have plans and I have no plans.  That’s great.  That’s just great.

TAYLOR:  You have plans.  You have a job lined up.  You’re getting an apartment.  Up until I got into this school, you had more plans than I did.

ARI:  You can have whatever plans you want—

TAYLOR:  Just as long as I don’t move too far away from you?

ARI:  It doesn’t bother you?

TAYLOR:  Of course it bothers me.  You’re my only friend.  And I’m not social.  And Nevada only has, what?  Two good cities in it?  And one of them is Reno?  But I want to do something.  Or—I wanted to do something.  If that comet hits, I won’t even be doing it, so what—

ARI:  If it doesn’t hit, you’re leaving me.  If it does hit, we die.  Both ways mean I’m unhappy.

TAYLOR:  See if you can make global catastrophe anymore about you.  Give it a shot.  You’re good at this kinda thing.

ARI:  I’d rather die with you than lose you.

TAYLOR:  Don’t be dramatic.  You’re not sick, remember?

ARI:  I am sick.

TAYLOR:  Ari, you’re not sick like that.  You’re in control.  Don’t lose that, okay?  This is just grad school.  This is a good thing.  And aside from some geographic inconvenience, it doesn’t change anything.  You’re still my friend.  I’m still your friend.  I’ll be home for every break, every summer, all the big holidays that involve gifts—

ARI:  I’m—You don’t get it.  I’m only good because of you.  Without you—And if this all does happen, this global thing—and I make it and you don’t—I mean, we don’t know—

TAYLOR:  Whatever happens, you have to learn how to be good with or without me.  Because you can’t rest your health and your stability up against another person and tell them not to move or you’ll fall.  You can’t put that on somebody, Ari.

(A moment.)

ARI:  I’m sorry.

TAYLOR:  You don’t have to be sorry.  In the stereotypical Disney way that everybody says ‘I’ll always be with you, Simba, in your spirit, spirit, spirit, love never dies’ kinda way—I’ll be with you no matter what.  But you’re strong, you know?

ARI:  Maybe I…Maybe I put off being strong because it’s easier letting you be strong for me.

TAYLOR:  No shit, you think so?

(ARI laughs.)

ARI:  Promise me that no matter what happens—you’ll never play shuffleboard again.

TAYLOR:  I can’t make you that promise.

(A moment.)

ARI:  If I see a wave, I’m going to grab your hand and I’m not going to let go.  And I’ll find a piece of driftwood big enough for the both of us to float on, and if it’s not big enough, we can take turns, and I promise I won’t let you die.  And we’ll be rescued by another boat, and we’ll make it back to dry land and whatever’s waiting for us—mutants, crazies, or giant lizards—we’ll deal with it.  And if nothing happens and you move—we’ll deal with it.  We’ll deal with it, and I’ll still be sick, but…I’ll deal with it on my own too.

TAYLOR:  Now that sounds like a plan.

(They fist bump, but instead of moving their fists away, they just leave them together for a second.  And the ship sails on.)