Heat Dreams

(NICK and TAMMY are seated on a couch.  Both are in various forms of undress.  NICK is probably in his boxers and TAMMY is probably in her bra and pajama bottoms.  I should mention that there isn’t anything sexual about this.)

TAMMY:  It’s bad enough the world’s ending, but during a heat wave?  This sucks.

NICK:  I can put the AC in.

TAMMY:  Now?  What’s the point?

NICK:  The point is we could fall asleep instead of being up at 3am watching the news waiting to see if we’re going to die.

TAMMY:  I can’t fall asleep.

NICK:  Yeah, because of the heat.

TAMMY:  Because of everything.  Everything is—Ugh.

NICK:  We could fool around.

TAMMY:  I’m not fooling around with you.

NICK:  Then put on a shirt.  You’re distracting me.

TAMMY:  From what?  CNN?  They haven’t said anything new in hours.

NICK:  Go put MSNBC on in your room.  That way if one finds out something before the other—

TAMMY:  And I'm the one obsessing about this?  You're the one who fell asleep to the sound of Rachel Maddow's voice last night.  And that's not exactly an easy thing to do.

NICK:  You can go to your Mom’s if you want.

TAMMY:  Why would I go to my Mom’s when I have an apartment that I share with a lovely boy who is driving himself crazy worrying about something he has no control over?

NICK:  I'd be fine if it wasn't so hot.

TAMMY:  Why don’t you go to Jen’s—or Steph’s—or Laura’s?  I'm sure one of them must have AC and they all find you so fascinating.

NICK:  Are you saying you don’t find me fascinating?

TAMMY:  I find you mildly entertaining at best.

            (But with this, she kisses the top of his head.)

NICK:  You can’t kiss me when you’re undressed like this.  I’m still a man and we’re not related and I’m in my underwear and things could happen.  Physical things.

TAMMY:  I’m aware of the physical things that can happen when you kiss a boy.

            (A moment.)

We’re not going to die, you know.

NICK:  That's what's keeping you up.  That's not what's keeping me up.  The heat is keeping me up.

TAMMY:  Okay, fine, it's the heat.  But we're not going to die.

NICK:  You don’t know that.

TAMMY:  Okay, let's say we did.  If we did die, what, specifically, would upset you about that?  I mean, aside from the fact that we would be dead?  Or you would be dead.  I’d probably be fine.  I’m very resilient.  C’mon, Nick, what would you regret?

NICK:  I’m not saying anything.

TAMMY:  Oh, come on.

NICK:  You’ll ridicule me.

TAMMY:  I will not.  Just tell me.

NICK:  I’d rather not.

TAMMY:  Did you want to have kids?  Did you want to be a movie star?  C’mon, spill it.

NICK:  You promise not to?

TAMMY:  I promise.

(A moment.)

NICK:  I really wanted to do porn.

            (A moment.)

TAMMY:  Uh.

NICK:  Do not laugh at me.

TAMMY:  I’m not going to laugh.

NICK:  Everybody has dreams.

TAMMY:  Your dream is porn.

NICK:  Well—adult cinema.

TAMMY:  Porn.

NICK:  I’d be good at it.

TAMMY:  Nick, I don’t want to be—Well, gosh, I really don’t want to have this conversation at all, but since I’ve opened this Pandora’s box—There’s really no way for you to know you’d be…good at it.

NICK:  No, I’m pretty sure I would be.

TAMMY:  Just because you—have lots of experience in a…similar field—

NICK:  An identical field.

TAMMY:  No, similar.  Very similar but not, you know, identical—uh—just because that’s…the case…it doesn’t mean you’d be good at something you’ve never done before.

NICK:  Well, there’s really no way for you to know that.

TAMMY:  Actually, uh…there is a way.

NICK:  What are you talking about?

TAMMY:  I, uh, had some experience—

NICK:  Tammy, shut up!

TAMMY:  It was college.  I needed money.

NICK:  You did a video?

TAMMY:  More like five.

NICK:  FIVE?

TAMMY:  They shoot them all on the same day.  Nobody just does one.  If somebody tells you they’ve only done one, they’re full of it.  I did five.

NICK:  Wow.

TAMMY:  And two more the next day.

NICK:  SEVEN?

TAMMY:  It was a few years ago.  And I’m not ashamed of it.

NICK:  Of course you shouldn’t be ashamed of it, it’s awesome!

TAMMY:  Thank you for your support.

NICK:  But why do you think I wouldn’t be good at it?

TAMMY:  It’s just a feeling I have.

NICK:  Well, just because you did a few—

TAMMY:  Seven.

NICK:  Okay, seven—just because you did seven movies, that doesn’t make you an expert on how everybody else would do in the business.

TAMMY:  Industry.

NICK:  Whatever.

TAMMY:  Nick, it’s just—as far as dreams go, I…I was hoping you’d have better ones than that.  I’m sorry if that sounds—but it’s true.

NICK:  You thought I’d have better dreams than making love to beautiful women for lots of money and to be treated like a celebrity the entire time?  I’m sorry—are there better dreams than that?

TAMMY:  Yes.

NICK:  Okay, what’s your dream?

TAMMY:  I want my own cupcake bakery.

NICK:  Really?

TAMMY:  No, that’s stupid.  I want to be a casting director.  I have an eye for it.  That’s how I know you’d—Anyway, the woman who hired me was really cool, and—you know, sometimes you look at people and you think—I’d like to be them someday.

NICK:  That’s how I feel when I watch porn.

TAMMY:  Maybe you just need better viewing habits.  Try watching nature documentaries and see if you start idolizing rhinos.

NICK:  What did you think my dream was going to be?

TAMMY:  Believe it or not, I thought you were going to say that you wanted to settle down one day and have kids and not be such a womanizing frat boy.

NICK:  Actually, no, I never want to do any of that stuff.

TAMMY:  So much for the Apocalypse making us reevaluate our lives.

NICK:  Well, I mean, our lives aren’t so bad, are they?  I mean, we don’t have AC and we’re behind on rent and you won’t fool around with me, but other than that, we’re doing okay, right?

TAMMY:  Uh…Well.  Yeah, I guess.

NICK:  I mean, I love you, you know.

TAMMY:  Yeah?

NICK:  Yeah.

TAMMY:  I love you, too, Nick.

NICK:  So that’s something, right?

TAMMY:  Yeah.  That’s definitely something.

            (She smiles at him.  He goes back to watching the news.)