Target

(A Target.  The section where they sell tents.  The camping section?  ARNOLD and COLIN are sitting in front of the tent.)

ARNOLD:  You know, I’ve never thought about it before, but popping a pimple is such a violent act.  I mean, if you think about it, your face goes through something really traumatic every time you pop a pimple.  First it feels a sort of discomfort, then a swelling, then that unsettling feeling when you know there’s something in you that isn’t supposed to be there and you need to get it out.  And it knows, it just knows, that the fingers are coming.  The giant fingers to alleviate the pressure, yes, but not the easy way.  Then there’s the squeezing, the pain—And yeah, it’s gross to think about it, and yet, we’ve all done it, right?  It’s impossible to even watch somebody else do it, but when it’s you, you have to do it—you HAVE to.  So you do it.  There’s an explosion.  I mean, even in perspective, it’s something—I mean, it’s something big, right?  An eruption on your face.  Then you clean up, there’s some blood, and it’s all over.  But your face?  Your poor face.  I mean, think about how that must feel.

(A moment.)

COLIN:  What’s your name?

ARNOLD:  Arnold.

COLIN:  I’m Colin.

ARNOLD:  Arnold’s not my real name, but you can call me Arnold.

COLIN:  Okay, well, Colin’s my real name.

ARNOLD:  It’s nice to meet you, but we shouldn’t do real names.

COLIN:  Why not?

ARNOLD:  We may have to kill each other eventually.

COLIN:  No, we won’t.

ARNOLD:  Don’t be naïve, Arnold.

COLIN:  It’s not going to come to that.  Either the comet hits and everybody dies or it doesn’t and we’re all fine.  This isn’t going to turn into Zombieland.

ARNOLD:  There’s no precedent for this.  Nobody really knows what’s going to happen.

COLIN:  I really thought there’d be lots of people here.  I thought, I can’t be the only one to think of going to a  24-Hour Target and shacking up until this all blows over.  I thought there’d be people everywhere.  Walking around.  Sitting down in the aisles.  Sleeping on the display couches.  I didn’t realize it would just be you and me.  I mean, where are the employees?

ARNOLD:  Getting high in the parking lot.

COLIN:  Maybe I should join them.

ARNOLD:  I think most people went to the Walmart.  Because of that book.  The one Oprah told everyone to read.  The one they made a movie out of—

COLIN:  Where the Heart Is.

ARNOLD:  Right.  With Natalie Portman.

COLIN:  Terrible movie.

ARNOLD:  I never saw it.  I have seizures in movie theaters.  Well, not seizures, but I get the sweats.  Did you see any chips or are they sold out?

COLIN:  There are some in the tent.  I stashed some food in there.  Take whatever you want.

ARNOLD:  Dude, look, I don’t want you to think we have to stick together, even though, strategically, it is a good move.

COLIN:  I didn’t even know your name.  I didn’t even know you an hour ago.

ARNOLD:  We don’t have the luxury of ‘getting-to-know-you’ time, son.  You have to be able to look at someone and say ‘Can I trust you?’ and then make a decision about it and trust that decision.

COLIN:  I don’t trust you.

ARNOLD:  Your judgment is clouded.

COLIN:  I have impeccable judgment and I don’t trust you.  I’m sorry, but I don’t.  That doesn’t mean I’d kill you or anything, it just means I wouldn’t trust you not to kill me, and since you’ve already mentioned the idea of killing me, I don’t think that’s a bad call on my part.  Now, we can sit here next to each other, and shoot the shit, and do whatever, but just promise me you won’t ever try to become pals with me, all right?

(A moment.)

ARNOLD:  Fine by me.

COLIN:  Great.

ARNOLD:  They have plenty of tents.

COLIN:  We were never going to share a tent.

ARNOLD:  I’m just saying, there are plenty.

COLIN:  There’d be no reason to share a tent.

ARNOLD:  Well, body heat.

COLIN:  We’re indoors.  There are space heaters.  It’s summer.

ARNOLD:  We can just sit.  We don’t have to talk.

COLIN:  Wonderful.

(A moment.  Then another moment.)

ARNOLD:  Maybe more people will show up.

COLIN:  God I hope so.

ARNOLD:  I mean, we’re right on a main strip.

COLIN:  The sign’s out.  We could try to turn it back on.

ARNOLD:  Or, we just accept our lucky break, barricade the doors, ration out the food, draw a line down the middle of the store and start treating this place like two little cities.  I mean, it’s a Target.  I doubt there’s anything we need that we can’t find in here.  The non-perishables alone will last us for months, and we can probably keep the other stuff cold by—I mean, it’s an idea.

COLIN:  We’ll go crazy.

ARNOLD:  If we don’t talk and draw the line and isolate ourselves, yes.  But if we can learn to be—I’m not saying pals, but—civil.  Then…maybe not.

(A moment.)

COLIN:  What’s your real name?

ARNOLD:  I’m not comfortable—

COLIN:  Where do you think civility starts?  I think it starts with real names.  I’m Colin, and you are—

ARNOLD:  Arnold.

COLIN:  Oh, come on.

ARNOLD:  No, really, Arnold.  I said it was a fake name but really it’s a real name.

COLIN:  You picked your fake name for you real name?

ARNOLD:  It seemed like—I’m an idiot.

COLIN:  No, you’re just not a spy.

ARNOLD:  Do you not have a home?  Somewhere you can be other than…here?

COLIN:  Is that why you’re here?

ARNOLD:  I’m here because I wanted to be somewhere bright and fluorescent and bland.  Target became my paradise.

COLIN:  I work across the street at the Ruby Tuesday’s.  I just walked here.  I don’t know why.  I have places I could go, but I walked here and just sort of sat down here and then you showed up.  And I thought there’d be people.  People I didn’t know who I wouldn’t have to get to know.  People who would just sit with me, I guess, and…wait.

ARNOLD:  Time’s not up yet.  We’re a beacon, you know.  That’s what this is.  A neon sign on a main road.  Cars always coming up and down.  It’s soothing if you think about it.  Cars always coming, up and down—and you have to wonder—at times like this—where are they all going, right?  But especially in times not like this—Where are they all going?  All hours of the night, the day—where was everybody going?  Somebody’s gotta wind up here, right?

COLIN:  One would think.

ARNOLD:  Time’s not up yet, Colin.  We’ve still got time.

COLIN:  Just seems a shame.  All this for two people.

ARNOLD:  Funny that the world’s ending, and for the last two people on earth—which is really, if you think about it, in so many ways, what we are—for the last two people on earth—it’s odd that all we want to do is…share what we have.  That’s kind of a nice thought, isn’t it?

COLIN:  Yeah.

(A moment.)

Yeah, it is.

(They both nod slowly to themselves.)