Family Matters

(SONIA and EDIE are standing in FIONA’s kitchen arguing.  FIONA sits at the table and reads the newspaper.)

EDIE:  I want the money now.

SONIA:  She doesn’t want to give you the money.

EDIE:  I don’t give a flying—

FIONA:  Edie.

EDIE:  I don’t care what she wants.  I’m entitled.

SONIA:  Have you noticed that she’s not dead?  She’s sitting right in front of you.

EDIE:  Look, I waited a long time for her to die so I could get what’s rightfully mine.  Now the world’s about to end, and for fifty grand, I can buy a spot in one of those new bunkers they just started talking about in the news.  The money is mine anyway, what difference does it make if I get it now or after wandering hordes raid this house and kill everyone in it?

SONIA:  She cashed out her bank accounts.

EDIE:  (To FIONA.)  You didn’t.

SONIA:  She did.

EDIE:  You miserable—

FIONA:  Edie.

EDIE:  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry, Mom, but C’MON!  You cashed out your bank accounts?

SONIA:  She’s smart.  The banks are no good now.  Nobody else can get to their money.  The computers are all failing.  Your mother’s probably the richest person in the world right now.

EDIE:  So where did she put all that money?

SONIA:  I don’t know.  She doesn’t tell me those things.

EDIE:  Well somebody had to drive her to the bank.  You’re telling me it wasn’t you?  You’re her housekeeper.

SONIA:  I drove her, and then I drove her home.  She had a duffel bag with her.  That’s all I know.  You want to know more?  Ask her yourself.

EDIE:  You know, we’re under martial law right now.

SONIA:  Who announced that?

EDIE:  They don’t announce martial law.  That’s hwo you know it’s marital law.

SONIA:  You’re a fool.

EDIE:  I’m legally allowed to torture you right now, you realize that, don’t you?

FIONA:  Edie.

EDIE:  I’m sorry, Mother, but she’s being difficult.

SONIA:  I’m not being difficult.  It’s her decision.

EDIE:  She doesn’t just make decisions anymore.  You think I don’t know that?  You think I don’t know how much influence you have?  You think I’m not aware of all her hiding places?  And she knows that I’m aware because those are the places where she hid my Christmas presents when I was growing up and I found all those presents, every year, because I am good at getting what I want, and she knows that.  So she would NEVER try to hide something from me if she really didn’t want me to find it, and that means she gave it to you to hide, the money, so where is it?

SONIA:  Go. To. Hell.

EDIE:  I’m going to make you watch me eat your eyeballs.

SONIA:  That’s not even possible.

FIONA:  Edie.

EDIE:  You’ve manipulated her and now you’re robbing her.  Her and me.  Her and I.  You’re a monster.  I could light you on fire.

SONIA:  The money’s in a safe place and when she wants me to do something with it, I will, but until then, you’re not getting your hands on it.

EDIE:  I can make you tell me.

SONIA:  Do you hear my accent?  Does it not sound like the accent of someone who, perhaps, comes from a country where people are a little tougher than they are here in the land of pedicures and face masks?

EDIE:  And now you’re insulting America?!?!?

SONIA:  All she has to do is say she wants you to have the money and I’ll give it to you.

EDIE:  She’ll never say that.

SONIA:  And why not?

EDIE:  Because I’m a terrible daughter.

FIONA:  Yup.

EDIE:  I know that.  I’m AWARE of that.  But I’m still her ONLY daughter and that means, legally, I have a right to everything that’s hers.  If she’d been smart enough to pluck one more baby out of Daddy while he was still alive, maybe I’d have some competition, but luckily for me, he dropped dead when I was three, so that means I get the jackpot, and I get it now.

SONIA:  You’re like something out of an Italian opera.

FIONA:  She’s a Greek tragedy.

SONIA:  You shouldn’t be allowed in a bunker.  You’ll probably eat all the food and kill anyone who comes near your sleeping bag.

EDIE:  I’m not going to apologize for being strong.  Strong people survive.

SONIA:  So then figure out a way to survive without your mother’s money.

EDIE:  Did you swallow it?

SONIA:  What?

EDIE:  The money.  Did you swallow it?  Like a drug mule.  Is it in you right now?

SONIA:  You’re insane!

EDIE:  Because I’ll wait.  I’ll wait it out.  You can’t keep it in there forever.  You’re skinny.  You must have fast metabolism.  This was a poor choice on your part.

SONIA:  I didn’t swallow somebody’s entire life savings!

EDIE:  THEN WHERE’S THE MONEY?

FIONA:  There is no money.

            (A beat.)

EDIE:  What?

FIONA:  There is no money.

EDIE:  But—

SONIA:  She’s telling the truth.

EDIE:  But—

SONIA:  She spent it all.  Casinos mostly.  It took a few years.  She went to the bank to get your father’s watch out of a safety deposit box, and then she pawned it for enough money to stock the cupboards.  Then we agreed on a story because we knew you’d come sniffing around, but there is no money.

EDIE:  Oh my God, that’s so awful it must be true.

SONIA:  It is.

EDIE:  But Mother—

FIONA:  Take a hike, Edie.

EDIE:  But where will I—

SONIA:  She also bought a gun.  Just a little one, but enough to do the trick if any of those wandering hordes show up—or, you know, other kinds of hor…des.

EDIE:  What are you implying?

FIONA:  She’s calling you a whore.  And she’s saying she’ll shoot you if you don’t leave.

            (Pause.)

EDIE:  Fine.  But realize what you’re doing here, Mother.  I’m your family.  Do you understand that?  You’re putting me out and I’m all you have.

SONIA:  No, you’re not.  She has me.

            (A beat.)

EDIE:  All right.  Good luck.  I’d say ‘I love you,’ Mother, but let’s not kid ourselves, shall we?

            (She exits.)

SONIA:  I can’t believe she bought it.

FIONA:  Dumb bitch.

SONIA:  I’m going to go pack a bag.  We have to be at that bunker in an hour.

            (SONIA starts to leave.)

FIONA:  Sonia?

            (SONIA stops.)

FIONA:  Love you.

SONIA:  Love you too, Ma.

            (She leaves.  FIONA smiles.)