We Might As Well Be Here

                (HOLLY and LISA are working at the mall at some sort of retail clothing store.)

HOLLY:  Nobody’s coming in.

LISA:  I know.  We should leave.

HOLLY:  We should.

LISA:  Why bother?

HOLLY:  Seriously.

LISA:  I hate Sheri.  She didn’t even call out.  I mean, I know it’s the Apocalypse and everything, but seriously—

HOLLY:  Sheri’s Mom has them all locked in the basement.  She thinks they can ride it out.

LISA:  Ride what out?  The end of the world?

HOLLY:  Yeah.

LISA:  In a basement?

HOLLY:  Yeah.

LISA:  In a basement in East Greenwich?

HOLLY:  Yeah.

LISA:  Ha.  Good luck.

HOLLY:  We’re probably better off here.  In that zombie movie, everybody wound up at the mall and everything was fine until they forgot to seal off the parking garage or whatever.

LISA:  She still should have called out.  I’m writing her up.

HOLLY:  Really?

LISA:  Yeah, but only because I need something to do.

HOLLY:  We should just leave.

LISA:  Yeah, we should.

HOLLY:  Let’s go get pizza or something.

LISA:  Closing takes forever though and I don’t feel like it right now.

HOLLY:  Forget about closing.  Let’s just go.  Nobody’s going to steal anything.

LISA:  People are totally going to steal stuff.

HOLLY:  Yeah, they are, but we can be like—Ohhhhh we took shelter.  We were scared.

LISA:  We probably should take shelter.

HOLLY:  All the shelters are in high school gyms.  I’m not going to die in a high school gym.  That would be so depressing.

LISA:  Where would we get pizza?

HOLLY:  Let’s just go to Mickey’s on Bradley Avenue.

LISA:  I can’t.  Topher works there now.

HOLLY:  I thought he worked at Emilio’s?

LISA:  He did, but then he posted a photo of himself online licking the sausages before he put them on the pizzas and Emilio fired him.

HOLLY:  I think I liked that picture when I saw it.

LISA:  Everyone did.  It went viral.  It was on the Huffington Post.  I mean, they called it disgusting, but he was still pretty famous.

HOLLY:  I can’t believe they hired him at Mickey’s after that.

LISA:  Please, Mickey’s will do anything for publicity.  Remember when they had Carmen Electra come to their one year anniversary and we were all like—Who’s Carmen Electra?  Is she even a person?  We’re not octogenarians.

HOLLY:  I just didn’t go.  I went to Walkers instead because he had that party for that girl who moved to Michigan.

LISA:  What girl?

HOLLY:  It was some girl.  I don’t know.  She moved here in September and then she moved away and I, like, never really saw her, but I feel like we were at a bunch of the same parties together.

LISA:  I feel stuff like that happens a lot.

HOLLY:  It does.  It’s impossible to keep up with all the people I’m supposed to know.

                (A beat.)

LISA:  Sometimes I wonder about you.

HOLLY:  Wonder what?

LISA:  Like, what it’s like being you.

HOLLY:  It’s fine.  When it doesn’t suck.

LISA:  Does it ever suck?

HOLLY:  Sometimes it sucks.  Why?  What’s it like being you?

LISA:  It sucks a lot.

HOLLY:  Really?

LISA:  Yeah.  Like more than sometimes.

HOLLY:  You never tell me that.

LISA:  Why would I tell you?

HOLLY:  Because we’re friends.

LISA:  We work together.

HOLLY:  So we’re not friends?

LISA:  No, we are friends, but we work together, so—there’s not always this chance to—and I don’t want to be that girl who’s always—wah wah wah, you know?

HOLLY:  You can be wah wah wah with me.  I don’t care.

LISA:  I just feel like I shouldn’t be this wah wah wah all the time.

HOLLY:  Maybe you should see someone.

LISA:  Yeah, I’ll totally book a therapy appointment provided the world doesn’t end by Monday.

HOLLY:  So you must be super wah wah wah with everything going on now right?

LISA:  No, actually, it feels good to face impending doom.  Now I feel like I have a reason to be sad.  It’s great, actually.

HOLLY:  You know what makes me sad when I’m sad?

LISA:  What?

HOLLY:  Not being famous.

LISA:  But you’re never famous.  Like, no offense, but you’re not famous now.

HOLLY:  No, but sometimes I feel famous.  Like, did you ever have days, where, like, you put up a photo on Facebook—like that one of Topher licking the sausage—and a million people like it and you’re like, Oh my God, I’m pretty much Kate Winslet?

LISA:  No, I never have those days.  But that’s because I only put up photos of me, like, quahogging or something.

HOLLY:  You go quahogging?

LISA:  No, I just mean, that’s an example of why nobody likes my photos.

HOLLY:  Last week, I put up a photo of me and this baby who was at this family party I went to—it might be my cousin’s or something, I don’t know—and a million people liked it, and I just felt so warm, you know?  Like, oh my God, this feels so good, this must be what famous people feel like all the time.  And I wanted people to just keep liking the photo until everybody in the world could see it and know who I was, and now that’s never going to happen again, because we probably won’t even have the Internet anymore because the world’s ending like in that show Revolution.

LISA:  Yeah, I think I got like twenty likes once when I said I liked Scandal.

HOLLY:  Oh my God, Scandal is so good.

LISA:  It’s really good.

HOLLY:  Part of me wonders if there’ll be chances to like—be heroic now.  You know, like, if this was a disaster movie, there would be people saving lives and doing good things, and those people are going to be the new famous people, so, like, I wonder if that’s going to be me.

LISA:  It definitely won’t be me.

HOLLY:  You don’t know that.  You might save somebody.

LISA:  Holly, I broke a finger when I hit the wrong button on the cash register and the drawer popped out at me when I wasn’t expecting it.  I’m not saving anybody from anything.

HOLLY:  I want to fly on a rope across a river or something.  Like with my hair in a ponytail, you know?

LISA:  Maybe you’ll save me.

HOLLY:  Oh my God, I’ll totally save you.

LISA:  Or maybe I’ll go in a totally different direction.  Maybe I’ll assemble a group of people who believe everything I say to take advantage of the weaknesses brought on by civilization falling apart and I’ll become a total warlord and you’ll have to stop me, and it’ll be like, ohhhh we used to be friends and now we’re sworn enemies which makes it all the more tragic.

                (A beat.)

HOLLY:  Or you could just be my sidekick.

LISA:  Yeah, that too.

HOLLY:  So far the world ending seems pretty anti-climatic.  Everyone’s just walking around in a haze.

LISA:  Nobody knows what to do.  I mean, look at us, we’re just standing here.

HOLLY:  So let’s leave.

LISA:  We should.

HOLLY:  We really should.

LISA:  It’s just…

HOLLY:  What?

LISA:  Where do you even go, you know?  I mean, obviously not a basement or a gym or anything, but even pizza is like—that’s it?  That’s what you were doing when the world ended?

HOLLY:  I know.

LISA:  We might as well be here, you know?

HOLLY:  Yeah.

LISA:  We might as well just stay here.

                (So they do.)