Comet Shoppers

                (NOLA and FRANNY at a shopping mall.  They have lots of shopping bags.)

NOLA:  What did you boy?

FRANNY:  Shoes.  So many shoes.

NOLA:  I bought a turtleneck.  It’s July.  It was on sale.  It might have been clearance.  I might not even wear it ever, right?  I mean, if we’re not here for the winter—

FRANNY:  For Monday even.

NOLA:  Right.

FRANNY:  I bought so many shoes.

NOLA:  Really?

FRANNY:  They didn’t want to honor my credit card at first.  I said, ‘Why not?  I have excellent credit.  An a credit line.  A really—what’s the word?—Strong?—STRONG credit line.  You have to honor it.’  And they said, ‘Ma’am, you could buy all this and then have to pay for it.  If you’re buying all this because you think that the world is going to end, and so why not buy it and enjoy it for a weekend, and then never pay for it, you have to keep in mind that the world might NOT end and then you will have to pay for it because we’re instituting a special “No Refunds” policy just for this weekend because of all the comet shoppers.’  That’s what they’re calling us.  That’s what we are.  We’re comet shoppers.

NOLA:  I’m okay with that.

FRANNY:  I love it.  I wear it like a badge of honor.  I want them to put it on a t-shirt so I can walk around letting everybody know that I’m racking up credit card debt and I don’t even care because the world’s going to end this weekend.

NOLA:  I bought soaps.

FRANNY:  Soaps?

NOLA:  Nice soaps.  Like the ones that come in baskets with oils and candles.

FRANNY:  That sounds nice.

NOLA:  It’s very nice.  I’d never spend that much money on soap, because eventually you use it all and then where’s your money?

FRANNY:  That’s true.  I never thought of it that way.  All these years I’ve been buying soap—

NOLA:  But as long as we’re going crazy—

FRANNY:  Oh, we’re going crazy all right.

NOLA:  Thanks for letting me use your credit card.

FRANNY:  Oh, don’t worry about it.  Do you need another one?  I have plenty.

NOLA:  Why do you have all those cards?

FRANNY:  They always send them to me, and it always feels so nice to get them in the mail and see ‘You’re accepted!  You’re accepted!’  It feels so good to be accepted.  So I fill out the forms, and I get the card, and then I activate it and then it just sits in my purse.  Well, now it’s coming in handy.

NOLA:  And you have new shoes!  That’s fun!  Are we going out tonight?

FRANNY:  Well, I thought about it, but it’s going to take me awhile to try on all these shoes and see how I look in them.  Then I have to do the hats—

NOLA:  You got hats too?

FRANNY:  I did!  I love hats!  I only own two hats, and now I have over twenty.  They’re delivering them tomorrow.  I hope the comet doesn’t speed up and come before then.

NOLA:  Maybe I should get some hats…

FRANNY:  --You should!  Everybody should!  There were a few women in the hat shop looking around, sort of on the fence, and I felt like saying to them, ‘Here!  Take my card!  Buy yourself a hat!  You deserve it!’  But I didn’t want them to think I was insane.

NOLA:  Right.

FRANNY:  I mean, I’m crazy but I’m not insane.  I’m not certifiable or—Oh my God!  We should get champagne!

NOLA:  I love champagne!

FRANNY:  We should get champagne and international cheeses.  I would adore some international cheeses right now.  God, listen to me, I already sound like I’m rich.  Like I’m somebody.  Isn’t that amazing?  And to think I had all these cards all this time!  All these opportunities to make something out of myself and I kept letting them just sit there!

NOLA:  Well, you didn’t want to ruin yourself financially.

FRANNY:  You say that like it matters!  Compared to a life--compared to a whole life, full of nice things, and adventures like--shopping without looking at prices--what's a little debt?

NOLA:  How much would you actually owe if the world doesn't end this weekend?

FRANNY:  Oh--thousands?  Maybe tens of thousands?

NOLA:  And that doesn't make you--I may need to sit down.

FRANNY:  Don't panic!  There's no reason to panic!  We're all going to die.  Everything's great!

NOLA:  I better start using my soaps then.  How much soap can you use in one weekend?

FRANNY:  Honey, just get in a tub and don't get out.

NOLA:  I feel so much...pressure.

FRANNY:  I know--I know!  Me too!   I never thought I'd freak out over having to, you know, spend money!  Should I buy a house?  Can you buy a house on credit you don't deserve?

NOLA:  I don't know, Franny, it isn't 2009 anymore.

FRANNY:  I have so much catching up to do!

NOLA:  I don't know if you can.  I don't know if we can.  This is fun, Fran, but I don't know if it really makes up for anything.  It's just a rush.  It's a rush and it's going to wear off, and then we'll just be sitting at your house with a lot of shoes and hats and soap and stuff, but...what then?

     (A beat.)

FRANNY:  I never had anything, you know?  Not really.  No nice dresses, no--I know it's stupid, because I have family and friends and...but a nice dress isn't a lot, you know?  To want.  Shoes.  And...Am I an idiot?

NOLA:  Honey, you're not an idiot.  Every girl wants a nice pair of shoes.

FRANNY:  But--should I have wanted something more?  I mean, it's all ending.  Everything's--and I'm standing here...I'm standing here...

NOLA:  Doing what you can do.  You know, whenever I'm upset--I go out and buy myself a really nice towel.  Nothing that costs too much, but towels are pretty cheap even if they're nice--not like soap. I buy a nice towel and I put it in this basket in my bathroom closet, and it makes me feel...like I'm building something for myself.  Towel by towel.  I don't know what it is, but maybe it's a life full of nice things--and nice people.  Maybe you have to build those things over time.  Maybe you can't just buy them all in one night.

FRANNY:  So that's it?  I'm out of time.

     (NOLA takes FRANNY's hand.)

NOLA:  You're a good person.  You should know that.  You're a really good person, and you do good things for people.  You're not out of time, honey.  You did the most with this life anybody could have done with it.  And I'm glad you got your shoes.

FRANNY:  Thank you.

NOLA:  Thank you for letting me comet shop with you.

FRANNY:  I hope that thing hits us head on.

NOLA:  Me too, Franny.  Me too.

     (They keep holding onto each other.)