Rare

(LANA and LARA are at a barbecue at their mother’s house.)

LANA:  I’m not saying you’re not being fair—

LARA:  That’s exactly what you’re saying.

LANA:  Lara, are you going to listen to me or are you just going to—

LARA:  Write down on paper what I said.  Write it down and then tell me whether or not I was being fair.

LANA:  Do you not acknowledge that there’s such a thing as tone?  Are you unaware that you have a tone?  And that your TONE puts people off?

LARA:  Just because I’m not a doormat—

LANA:  Oh, there’s the ‘D’ word—

LARA:  --Like some people—

LANA:  --Meaning me—

LARA:  That doesn’t mean I’m a bitch.

LANA:  That’s exactly what being a bitch means.

LARA:  Oh, come on.

LANA:  And that’s fine.  Be a bitch.  Be a bitch if you need to be a bitch, but Lara, sometimes being a bitch is unmerited.  This time, it’s unmerited.

LARA:  You are my sister and you are supposed to be support me.

LANA:  But see, here’s the problem.  My reputation means something to me.  And if you’re wrong and I support you, I’m supporting somebody who’s wrong and that affects my reputation, and yes you’re my sister, and yes, I love you, but if you’re wrong I’d rather help you see that you’re wrong so you can fix your position rather than just blindly support someone who’s wrong out of familial love.  Veggie burger?

LARA:  I’m not a vegetarian anymore.

LANA:  When did that happen?

LARA:  When I found out a comet was coming towards earth and that all the cows who are dead and made into burgers might as well be consumed because it isn’t supporting an industry that isn’t going to be gone in a day anyway when the entire planet gets turned into a desert.

LANA:  So regular burger then?  Great.  What am I going to do with all these veggie burgers?  Dad won’t eat them.  He says he can hear the carrots screaming.

LARA:  So you think I was out of line?

LANA:  Yes.

LARA:  But what I said—

LANA:  Your tone.  Not your words—your tone.  You have a tone.  And it’s like you don’t care.  It’s like you don’t care that people talk to you and feel bad afterwards.  They feel upset.  They feel angry.  And you just bop bop bop along not caring.  That’s the passive aggressive thing going on.

LARA:  Now, I’m passive aggressive.

LANA:  Another shock, huh?

LARA:  I had every right to fire him.

LANA:  First of all, we have a family business.

LARA:  I’m aware.

LANA:  A family business—meaning, the family makes decisions—

LARA:  So you don’t support me in the decision—

LANA:  Lara, I’m talking.

LARA:  Fine.

LANA:  It’s not your decision to make.  Yes, he screwed up.  Yes, maybe he should have been fired.  But honestly?  I don’t think I would have fired him.

LARA:  Why not?

LANA:  Because we all may be dead tomorrow, and I don’t know if the last thing I’d want to do on this earth would be to fire someone, Lara.  And, again, since we’re being honest, I can’t believe you would want THAT to be the last thing YOU do on this planet either.  I mean, you’re okay with that?

LARA:  He called me a bitch!

LANA:  WELL YOU WERE BEING A BITCH!  You frequently are.  And, again, sometimes, unrightfully so.

LARA:  I can’t believe you just called me a bitch.

LANA:  What are you going to do?  Fire me too?  Sorry, sis, I come with the company.

LARA:  You know, it’s always been so easy for you to make me the bad guy because you know I’ll play the role.  But thank God for me, otherwise people would just be treating our company like—

LANA:  We don’t need a bad guy, Lara.

LARA:  Don’t be naïve!  Every company needs a bad guy.

LANA:  We don’t need a bad guy RIGHT NOW.  People are upset.  People are stressed out.  If somebody called you a bitch maybe it’s because they’re upset about the fact that their wife and children are about to die well before their time because of a giant piece of space something and it’s terrifying and you wanted them to stay at the office and work on the weekend because of the deal on Monday.

LARA:  A deal that still happens if that comet misses us and a deal which we will now not be prepared for.

LANA:  We’ll live.  Or we won’t.  But if we live, we’ll live.  I think.

LARA:  Everything’s on me.  It’s always on me.

LANA:  Please, Lara.

LARA:  What if I was stressed?  What if I was upset?  What if I fired that guy because I didn’t want the last thing I HEARD before I died to be some irate asshole calling me a bitch?  And why do you play devil’s advocate with me?  And why can’t you just say ‘Hey, did you have a hard day?  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry you had a…’

(She has a tough time finishing her thought.)

LANA:  If Mom sees you crying, she’s going to cry, and if Mom cries I cry, and then Dad’ll say something about how he wishes one of us would get married so he’d have a guy standing next to him every time he has all these crying women around him.  Then you’ll call him sexist, I’ll remind him that his nephews all ran their father’s company into the ground in under a year, and the barbecue will be ruined.  And frankly, Lara, I really need some potato salad right now.

LARA:  I’m sorry I fired the guy without telling you.  Or consulting anybody.  I’m sorry.

LANA:  And I’m sorry I wasn’t at the office today.  I…I couldn’t stop watching the news.  That’s a really lousy excuse, but it’s the truth.  And you’re right, sometimes I do expect you to be the bad cop, and I’m sorry about that.

LARA:  I didn’t like firing him.  Not because he wasn’t wrong or because firing is hard or even because the world is ending.  I didn’t like doing it because I just don’t like it doing it.

LANA:  Okay, so—

LARA:  So from now on, you’re going to do it.  The firing.  The disciplining.  The yelling.  All the bad stuff.  You’re going to do it.

LANA:  Well, that’s—Lara, I’m not good at it.

LARA:  You’ll learn.  Trust me, I wasn’t born a bitch.  Well, okay, maybe I was, but I’m sure with enough practice—

LANA:  Is this your—what?  Way of proving a point?

LARA:  No, HONESTLY, this whole Apocalypse is just making me evaluate my life and I’m just realizing I really should be investigating different directions for myself.  So yes, maybe I need to get nicer, but this company still needs somebody to raise their voice when the shit hits the fan like on Monday, for example, so I guess that’s you now.  Make my burger rare.  I want it to moo a little.  I’m feeling the bloodlust leaving me and it’s hungry.

LANA:  We’ll hire you help if you want help.

LARA:  No, I don’t want to hire help.  I want you to step in my shoes for a few weeks and tell me what you think.  Then you can hire help if you can’t cut being authoritative—

LANA:  I didn’t sign up to run this business.  I’m not corporate.  That doesn’t make me a hypocrite.  If you want me to handle things, I can handle them, and when I do them without—

(A moment.)

LARA:  It’s easier on paper, trust me.

(A beat.)

LANA:  I’ll do it.  Fine.  I’ll do it.

LARA:  I just want you to understand me, L.  Really.  I don’t want you to think, Oh, that’s my sister, she’s a bitch—and let that be all you really consider me.

LANA:  That’s not—

LARA:  L?

(A moment.)

LANA:  Okay.

(She nods.)

Okay.

(A moment.)

C’mere.  We need to break the awkwardness.

LARA:  I don’t hug.

LANA:  Changes, remember?  Big changes.

LARA:  Fine.

(LANA hugs her.  She hugs back.)

God this is awful.

LANA:  I know.

(She looks at her sister.)

But you’ll get used to it.

(She hugs her again.)

We all will.

(A moment.)

I hope.

(They continue to hug.)