Hitchhiking

(A road out of town.  PATRICK and CANDICE stand side-by-side.)

PATRICK:  We could just steal a car.

CANDICE:  We’re not stealing a car.

PATRICK:  So this is the plan?  We’re going with this?

CANDICE:  Someone will give us a ride.

PATRICK:  That’s not the point.

CANDICE:  Of course my car would break down.  Of course it would.  If you made me bet on it, I would have bet that it would break down.

PATRICK:  At least you have a car.

CANDICE:  No, I have a piece of non-moving metal.  It’s not a car when it doesn’t do car things, like drive or start—

PATRICK:  We could die like this.  We could go the whole night without getting a ride and die on a road in the middle of Providence.  I mean, if this is going to happen we should just walk to the mall or to a bar and at least die doing something social.

CANDICE:  The plan is to get to Montreal.  That’s where Jane is.

PATRICK:  Look, I know you want to see your sister, but—

CANDICE:  She’s your girlfriend.  Don’t you want to see her?

PATRICK:  Yes.

(A moment.)

No.  Maybe, I don’t know.

CANDICE:  Did something happen?

PATRICK:  I called her.

(A moment.)

CANDICE:  And?

PATRICK:  You know, if we’re yelling at each other on the side of the road, we’re never going to get picked up.

CANDICE:  I’m not yelling.

PATRICK:  Candice—

CANDICE:  I never yell.  I’m incapable of yelling.

PATRICK:  You might yell if we continue—

CANDICE:  Don’t get fancy with me.  Just tell me what happened when you called.  Did she break up with you?

PATRICK:  Well—I called her and said, ‘How about this Apocalypse?’  And she said, ‘I know it’s crazy.’  I said, ‘Candice and I talked, and we’re going to come up and see you so we can all be together.  We should be there later tonight.’—This was when you still had a car that would work for people besides the Flintstones—And Jane said, ‘I’d rather you didn’t.’

CANDICE:  Did she say why?

PATRICK:  She said she wanted to be alone.

CANDICE:  Alone?  Alone while the world ends?

PATRICK:  She’s being Jane.

CANDICE:  Well, she better stop being Jane before we get to Montreal.

PATRICK:  We’re never getting to Montreal.

CANDICE:  Patrick—

PATRICK:  I mean, we could start walking and EVENTUALLY we’d get to Montreal, but—

CANDICE:  She doesn’t have a choice in this.  She doesn’t just get to cut us out.  We’re all she has.

PATRICK:  Who knows how long she’s felt this way?

CANDICE:  It means she’s depressed again.

PATRICK:  You think?

CANDICE:  A lot of people are getting upset about—

PATRICK:  No, that was a sarcastic ‘You think?’  Not a real ‘You think?’

CANDICE:  So you want to give up on her?  You want to just say ‘Screw it’ and head to some bar so we can get drunk?

PATRICK:  I would like to not go to Montreal—be it by hitchhiking or other means—to see a girl who doesn’t want to see me.

CANDICE:  It’s not that she doesn’t want to see you.

PATRICK:  Candice—

CANDICE:  You know it’s not that.

PATRICK:  --Don’t make excuses for her.

CANDICE:  She’s sick.

PATRICK:  Well maybe her getting sick right now is—

CANDICE:  Is what?

PATRICK:  Forget it.

CANDICE:  Is what?  Tell me.

PATRICK:  We need to catch a ride soon.  Once it gets dark, forget it.

CANDICE:  And what do you mean ‘getting sick?’  She’s not ‘getting’ anything.  She is something.  She is sick.  And she has no control over it.

PATRICK:  But right now, I need her.

CANDICE:  I need her too!  She’s my sister.

PATRICK:  And she told us to stay here.  She doesn’t want us and she doesn’t want to help us.  She…I’m sorry if it sounds selfish, but I really needed her to have her shit together right now, and she doesn’t, and I’m mad at her for it.  Sorry if that makes me a bastard.

(A moment.)

CANDICE:  I understand why you’d be frustrated.

PATRICK:  I’m more over it than frustrated.

CANDICE:  Well I’m sorry you’re over it and frustrated and whatever else but you can be none of those things, because when she gets like this, the only thing you can do, is just stand in front of her, face-to-face, and say ‘I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.’  That’s how you help her get her shit together.

PATRICK:  I tried that once.  She slapped me.

CANDICE:  You develop a thicker skin.

PATRICK:  It’s not like I cried—

CANDICE:  That wasn’t me speaking metaphorically.  I mean, you actually develop a thicker skin after being slapped a few times.

PATRICK:  How have you been doing this your whole life?

CANDICE:  Patrick, in case you didn’t notice, I’m not perfect.  I have my things too.  They’re different from Jane’s things, but they’re still things.  I force her to deal with her things and my things, and she does the same with me.  You’ve been with her for six months.  That means you can still bail on all this, and nobody will hold it against you.

PATRICK:  I’m not bailing.

CANDICE:  If you’re starting to worry that we’re hitchhiking our way into a mess, you have to know that you might be right.  It might be a really big, inconvenient mess.

PATRICK:  I’m not just not bailing because it might be a mess.  I’m not bailing because I’m not leaving you on the side of the road by yourself.  Besides, I’d have to walk back home anyway, and if I’m going to hitch a ride, I’m not going to hitch it to go back.  I’m going to go somewhere.  If we get to Montreal, and Jane tells me to get lost, and I get pissed off about it and bail, at least I’ll be in a new city with new bars making new decisions.  If I’m going to bail, that’s when I’ll bail.  Okay?

(A moment.)

CANDICE:  Okay.

PATRICK:  I know it’s only been six months, but…

CANDICE:  What?

PATRICK:  I really do love her.

(Pause.)

CANDICE:  I know.

PATRICK:  And you’re a good sister.

(A moment.)

CANDICE:  Thank you.  Now, let’s hope I’m a good hitchhiker.

(She sticks her thumb out.  He takes a second, and then does the same.)