Chicken

            (JACK and ROGER are sitting in their underwear facing each other.)

JACK:  I want to put my pants on.

ROGER:  Do you, Jack?  Do you really?

JACK:  Yeah, I really do.

ROGER:  Look, I don’t like this either, but we have a few hours left on this planet and I don’t know about you, but I do NOT want to die a virgin.

JACK:  Explain to me again why we can’t just pay—

ROGER:  Do you know how much those kinds of women are charging right now?  It’s not like a going-out-of-business sale where prices go way down.  They know how many schlubs there are out there who want one last fling.  I went on Craigslist and there was a girl selling you-know-what for more money than it costs to just buy a girl from Russia.

JACK:  Okay, then why don’t we just buy two girls from Russia?

ROGER:  Because they’d never get here in time, jackass.  Look, do you think I didn’t think this through?

JACK:  No, I don’t think you really thought this through at all.

ROGER:  Do you trust me?

JACK:  Yes.

ROGER:  Are we best friends?

JACK:  Yes.

ROGER:  And have I seen you naked before?

JACK:  A few times, yeah.

ROGER:  And do you want to die never having experienced sex with another person?

JACK:  No.

ROGER:  And are we gay?

JACK:  No.

ROGER:  Then let’s have sex and not feel weird about it, okay?

JACK:  But are we even going to like this?

ROGER:  Who cares if we like it?  That’s not the point.  You think everybody who has sex likes it?

JACK:  Then why bother?

ROGER:  You’re asking me?  How should I know?  I’ve never done it before!

JACK:  Would dying as virgins be that bad?

ROGER:  Jack, I’m not asking for much, okay?  I realize I’m going to die never having done a lot of things.  I’ve never seen the Great Wall of China, I’ve never been a licensed tattoo artist, I’ve never met Kate Mulgrew in person—but I’ll be damned if I go to my grave having been the only person who’s touched Mr. Johansson.

JACK:  You call it Mr. Jo—oh God, I can’t do this.

ROGER:  Haven’t we played gay chicken a million times?

JACK:  Yes.

ROGER:  And haven’t we always taken it way, way too far?

JACK:  Always, yes.

ROGER:  So can this really be all that different?

JACK:  Yes BECAUSE all of THAT was done under the safe umbrella of gay chicken.  There’s no umbrella here, Roger.  It’s just raining.  It’s just raining gay stuff down on us and we’re not even going to pick UP the umbrella?  No.  Sorry, but no.

ROGER:  Jack—

JACK:  No!

ROGER:  OKAY!

            (A beat.  JACK goes to put his pants on.)

ROGER:  Wait!  Don’t put your pants on yet.

JACK:  At this moment, there is literally NO reason for me to not be wearing pants.

ROGER:  Jack, I have to tell you something.

JACK:  …Okay.

ROGER:  This was all—the thing is—uh, I’m gay.

            (A beat.)

JACK:  What?

ROGER:  I’m gay, and…you’re not just my best friend.  I also, sort of, like you.  A lot.

JACK:  But—wait, what?

ROGER:  I know.  I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, but—

JACK:  YOU’RE GAY?

ROGER:  Look, let’s try to be adults about this, okay?  We’re both well into our twenties and we should be mature enough to have this conversation.  Besides, you shouldn’t be screaming.  My parents are downstairs and I’m not supposed to have anybody up in my room with the door closed—even you.

JACK:  Oh my God, everybody’s gay now.  Now that the world is ending, everybody’s gay.  My sister called me an hour ago to tell me she went over her ex-boyfriend’s house because she wanted to be with somebody before the comet hit and he was there with another guy.  It’s like the whole world is one big spy novel and now we’re finding out who all the double agents are and all the double agents are boning each other because they’re all gay!

ROGER:  I’m not coming out to you because the world is ending, I’m coming out to you because you’re my best friend and I love you and I’m sorry I tried to trick you into having sex with me but I really don’t want to die a virgin and I especially don’t want to die without having been with the only guy I’ve ever loved!

JACK:  THIS IS A BIG GAY NIGHTMARE!

            (JACK sits down.)

ROGER:  I knew if I ever did this, you’d hate me.  I knew you’d never accept me for who I was, that’s why I didn’t…

JACK:  That’s not fair.  I accept you.  I love you—as a friend.  I don’t care about—but what you did was so not cool.  It was sexual entrapment.

ROGER:  Yeah, well, technically so were all those games of gay chicken we played.

JACK:  NO WONDER YOU ALWAYS WON!

ROGER:  I’m sorry.

JACK:  You owe me, like, hundreds of dollars for all those games.

ROGER:  I said I’m sorry.

            (A beat.)

JACK:  Do you really love me—like that?

ROGER:  Yeah, I do.

JACK:  But we’ve been friends for—like—kindergarten.  We’re those kinds of friends.

ROGER:  Believe me, it doesn’t make it any easier.

JACK:  Does anyone else know?

ROGER:  Dude, everyone else knows.

JACK:  Then how did I—

ROGER:  Because you believe everything I tell you, or don’t tell you.  You do whatever I say.  I mean, we almost just did it based on really shoddy arguing on my part.  It’s kinda sad when you—

JACK:  I really want to punch you but I don’t know if that’s allowed anymore.

ROGER:  It’s allowed.  Everything’s allowed.  Do I really have to say ‘I’m still me?’  I mean, it’s 2013, man.

JACK:  All this time you’ve been in love with me, you could have been finding another guy to—All that time—

ROGER:  You could have been finding a girl.

JACK:  I did actually.  I found tons of them.

ROGER:  What?

JACK:  I didn’t—I felt bad.  About you not wanting to die a virgin, just like how I’ve always felt bad that I lost my virginity freshman year of college and you never did so I always kept it kinda hush hush except for a few people.

ROGER:  Who?

JACK:  Everyone but you.

ROGER:  No, who did you sleep with?

JACK:  Again, everyone but you.  Women, I mean.  A lot of, you know, women.

ROGER:  Wow.  So our entire friendship is built on lies.

JACK:  No, it’s not.  It’s based on both of us not wanting to hurt the other and not wanting the other to reject him because he loves the other so much because he’s gay.  I mean, it’s a little hard to connect the dots, but it’s not a bad friendship.

ROGER:  So you don’t hate me?

JACK:  No.  And you’re not mad I’m not a virgin?

ROGER:  Nah, good for you.  No reason we should both—

            (Quickly, JACK leans over and kisses ROGER on the cheek.)

JACK:  And that’s as good as you’re going to get.

ROGER:  (Smiles.)  You’re so gay.

JACK:  No, I’m not.

ROGER:  Prove it.  Gay chicken.

JACK:  Okay, but I’m going first and then—DAMMIT!  Still!

ROGER:  Almost had you.

            (They laugh.  Then JACK puts on his pants.)