Ketchup

(MINDY and SHERI are in their basement.  MINDY is SHERI’s mother.  MINDY is knitting, SHERI is not.)

MINDY:  I know you don’t want to hear this.

SHERI:  If you say, I told you so, I may just…combust.  Like, spontaneously just—BOOM.

MINDY:  Okay.

         (A beat.)

MINDY:  But remember when I’d buy all those cans of vegetables and peaches and things and you’d ask me what they were for and I’d say—

MINDY and SHERI:  A rainy day.

MINDY:  Well, looks like I was onto something.

SHERI:  You make it sound as if you knew the world was going to end.

MINDY:  Well, I’ve always had my feelings.

SHERI:  You ever feel a comet coming?

MINDY:  It’s more like a sensation.  I’ve had sensations.

SHERI:  Maybe you should have warned somebody.

         (A beat.)

MINDY:  Do you want a peach?  I have a few cans.

SHERI:  You have eighty-seven cans.

MINDY:  That’s what I mean, I can spare one.

SHERI:  I can’t believe you didn’t tell Dad where we were.

MINDY:  Sheri, I told you, we only have so much room.

SHERI:  We’re not going to run out of oxygen, Mom.  This isn’t outer space.

MINDY:  We don’t know what’s going to happen.  We have to be very careful about who we trust.

SHERI:  You do know you’re talking about my father, right?

MINDY:  He may be your father, but he’s nobody to me.

SHERI:  Just your ex-husband.

MINDY:  I prefer to think of him as a DNA co-sponsor.

SHERI:  So we’re just going to let him die out there?

MINDY:  He’s not necessarily going to die, Sheri.  He’s got a shovel.  He can dig himself a hole just like everybody else can.  Of course, his hole isn’t going to have seventy-three boxes of Ritz crackers in it, but maybe that’s what you get for being a bad planner.

SHERI:  Oh Jesus, Mother.

MINDY:  All that complaining he did when I would clip coupons.  I’d say ‘Who’s laughing now,’ but if anything, I feel stupid for not getting more ketchup when I was at the market last week.

SHERI:  I don’t mean to rain on your parade, but even in the worst of circumstances, I refuse to exist solely on ketchup.

MINDY:  Well, I’m sorry that the days of steak tartar and escargot are over, Sheri—

SHERI:  When were those days?  I grew up on Mac and Cheese.  Sometimes no cheese.  There were days you only served me Mac.

MINDY:  --But we have to learn to adjust.

SHERI:  Mom, the two of us cannot stay down here by ourselves for eternity.  We have to have more people down here.  Otherwise I’ll kill you, stick you in a rocking chair, and you’ll become a voice in my head that tells me to spy on blonde women while they shower.

MINDY:  I’m sorry you dislike me so much.

         (Pause.)

SHERI:  I don’t dislike you.  I love you.  You’re a life-saver, and this time around I mean that literally, but we need a better plan than just…surviving.  I don’t want to just survive.

MINDY:  Neither do I, but I can’t let anything happen to you, so…This is the best I can do for now.

SHERI:  You don’t have to do anything for me.  I’m not a kid.  I can take care of myself.  I can also make my own decisions about how I want to handle all this, and I’ve decided—that I’m going to take my chances with the rest of humanity.  And before I leave this basement, I want you to know that you mean the world to me, and I’m sorry if I’ve ever made you feel like some sort of stereotypical, clingy, guilt-ladling, Jewish mother.

         (Pause.)

MINDY:  So you’re just going to leave me here to die?

SHERI:  Oh my God.

MINDY:  Fine, go.  Go find your father and die with him.  I’ll be fine.  I have my crackers.

SHERI:  I’m not leaving without you.

MINDY:  Sheri, remember when I got sick?

SHERI:  Yes.

MINDY:  And you all wanted me to fight.  So I fought, even though I was scared.  Even though the treatment made me feel worse than the cancer did.  I fought.  And I beat it.  I beat it for you.  You and your father…

SHERI:  Say it.

MINDY:  …And the cats.

SHERI:  There it is.

MINDY:  And now you want me to stop fighting?

SHERI:  Sometimes fighting means looking something right in the eye and saying ‘I’m here, bitch, come and get me.’

MINDY:  Watch your mouth.

SHERI:  Let’s just go face this, Mom.  Screw the ketchup.

         (A beat.)

MINDY:  What about the cats?

SHERI:  Where ARE the cats?

MINDY:  They’re in the tornado shelter in the backyard.

SHERI:  We have a tornado shelter?

MINDY:  Of course.

SHERI:  Then why aren’t we there?

MINDY:  The cats are fragile.  Scooter has that bad leg.

SHERI:  Okay, Mom, pack up.  It’s time to go.

MINDY:  Can I at least take some of the crackers?  Just in case.

SHERI:  Sure.  Why not be prepared?

         (SHERI takes her mother’s hand.)