Social Work

                (The hospital.  HOWARD is sitting down in a waiting room.  CINDY enters.)

CINDY:  Hello.

                (HOWARD looks at her.)

HOWARD:  Hi.

CINDY:  My name’s Cindy.  I’m assuming you’re Howard?

HOWARD:  Hi.

CINDY:  Hi!  I know I should call you Mr. So-and-So but I find it’s better to be as casual as possible if you want to put people at ease.

HOWARD:  Hi.

CINDY:  Hello there!  Sooo I’m here to talk to you about the impending evacuation.

HOWARD:  Huh?

CINDY:  We’re evacuating the hospital.  In case the comet does hit.  We just want to be prepared.  We’ll be sending most of the staff home over the next few hours.

HOWARD:  Where?

CINDY:  What?

HOWARD:  Where—are you evacuating everybody to?

CINDY:  Oh, well—funny story.  We’re not actually evacuating everybody TO somewhere.  We’re just, sort of, evacuating.

HOWARD:  So you’re fleeing?

CINDY:  Well, I wouldn’t say—Yes.  Fleeing.  Yeah, I guess that about sums it up.

HOWARD:  What about the patients?

CINDY:  Well, that’s what I’m here to talk to you about.

HOWARD:  Who are you?

CINDY:  I’m a social worker here at the hospital.

HOWARD:  What are you like twelve?

CINDY:  I’m—no.  I’m not twelve.  I’d appreciate it if you talked to me like an adult.

HOWARD:  What’s your name?

CINDY:  Cindy.

HOWARD:  Cindy?  Like from The Brady Bunch?

CINDY:  There are other Cindy’s.  Cindy Lauper, Cindy—

HOWARD:  Nobody serious has ever been named Cindy.  You should have gone into a different line of work like pet grooming or designing bubble gum wrappers.

CINDY:  I realize you’re only saying hurtful things because you’re scared.  That’s totally normal.  I understand your mother has been unresponsive for quite some time—

HOWARD:  If you’re here to tell me that you’re leaving my mother to die—

CINDY:  We’re not leaving anybody—

HOWARD:  So somebody’s going to stay here with her and make sure she doesn’t die?

CINDY:  …Well…in the event that the comet doesn’t hit—

HOWARD:  But if it does?

CINDY:  Look—

HOWARD:  Because it’s probably going to.

CINDY:  Howard—

HOWARD:  There’s an eighty percent chance.

CINDY:  I—

HOWARD:  Eighty percent.

CINDY:  I realize—

HOWARD:  And please don’t call me Howard.

CINDY:  We’re leaving.  We’re all leaving.  People…doctors and…everybody wants to be home with their families when and if this thing hits.  So…we’re all just going to—Well, I can’t say this for the hospital, but…I’m going to pray.  And…that’s the best we can do right now.

HOWARD:  So you came to tell me you’re quitting.  Great.  Thanks.  See you on Monday if this thing is a big miss.  At which point, I’ll be moving my mother to another hospital where they actually give a damn about their patients.

CINDY:  First of all, there isn’t a hospital in this state, probably this whole country, that isn’t doing the exact same thing we’re doing.  Second of all, though I can appreciate how tired and stressed out you must be, there is a very good chance we are all about to die, so you can find somebody else to lay all your attitude on, because you’re the 100^th relative I’ve dealt with today, so I’m officially out of kindness and patience.  And finally, I’m not here because of your mother.  I’m here because of you.

HOWARD:  I’m sorry?

CINDY:  Your mother is being prepped as we speak.  Theoretically, if nothing goes wrong, or any more wrong than it is already, she should be fine for the day or so the hospital will be…vacant.  There’s a very good chance that if she dies, she’ll just be dying with the rest of us.  The reason I’m here is because we’re trying to convince people’s relatives and friends that they should maybe consider, uh, going home?

HOWARD:  You want me to leave her?

CINDY:  I want you to consider it.

HOWARD:  She’s my mother.

CINDY:  I get that.

HOWARD:  She’s my mother.

CINDY:  Do you think she’d want you dying in a hospital staring at her hoping she’s going to wake up in time to run for shelter?

HOWARD:  Are you listening to yourself?

CINDY:  Yes, and everything I’m saying to you right now would normally get me fired, but things are a little wacky right now, so I’m just going to go for it.  You need to get out of here.

HOWARD:  Would you leave your mother here?

CINDY:  Yes, but we have a very complicated relationship.

HOWARD:  Is that what you’re telling the mothers in the natal care unit to do?  Leave their premature babies behind?

CINDY:  Your mother is not a premature baby.  She’s a woman who’s been in a coma for a significant amount of time.

HOWARD:  I—

CINDY:  She’s not going to wake up.  Chances are she was never going to wake up.  She’s comfortable.  Or maybe she’s not, I don’t know.  There’s really no way of knowing, but what we DO know is that whether you’re here or not—

HOWARD:  But what if I’m not?  What if she wakes up and I’m not here?

CINDY:  It—

HOWARD:  The Walking Dead.

CINDY:  What?

HOWARD:  On The Walking Dead, Rick wakes up and nobody’s there.  They left him.  They just left him there.  And he could have been eaten—by zombies.

CINDY:  Nobody’s predicting zombies.

HOWARD:  I don’t want her to die alone!

                (A moment.)

CINDY:  Then you need to make another decision.

                (A beat.)

HOWARD:  What?

CINDY:  You…just think about…alternatives.

HOWARD:  You’re not—

CINDY:  Do you have any other family?

HOWARD:  Uh, my brother, he—He’s an actor.  He was supposed to—He had a show today, but I think it was cancelled.  He’s on his way.

CINDY:  Okay, well…When he gets here, maybe you should have a talk with him about…options.

HOWARD:  This is…surreal.

CINDY:  You need to really concentrate on the facts.  At a time like this, it’s easy to slip into…denial or…a sort of blind hope.  And hope is okay, it’s fine to have hope, but you also have to really look at and digest the facts, and the facts are—This hospital is going to be a ghost town pretty soon, so time is…

                (A moment.)

HOWARD:  Right.

CINDY:  Can I help with anything?  Do you want me to wait with you until your brother gets here?  Like I said, you’re my last consultation of the day so—

HOWARD:  I’ll be all right.

CINDY:  Are you sure?

HOWARD:  Well…No.  But…Go home.  Call your mom.

CINDY:  (Scoffs.)  Like I said, my Mom and I are more—

HOWARD:  Complicated?  Trust me.  It’s not that complicated.

CINDY:  Right.

                (A moment.)

Right.

                (Short pause.)

It was nice meeting you, Howard.

HOWARD:  You too, Cindy.

                (She puts her hand on his shoulder, and then exits.  HOWARD sits.)