Salvation

(JEREMIAH shows up at GINA’s house.  She’s just opened the door to him in fact.  I should mention that he’s a Jehovah’s witness.)

GINA:  Can I help you?

JEREMIAH:  Yes, I’m here to talk to you about salvation.

GINA:  THANK GOD!  Come on in, please.

JEREMIAH:  Uh—

            (She brings him and sits him down on the couch.)

GINA:  You came at just the right time.  You know, what with the world ending and all.

JEREMIAH:  Right.  Uh—are you sure now is—

GINA:  Didn’t you just hear me?  It’s a great time.  I’m not doing anything, and even if I was, there are priorities, aren’t there?  I mean, I need major help in terms of my, you know—what did you say--?

JEREMIAH:  Salvation.

GINA:  Right.  My salvation.  I need to work on that.  But you can help, right?

JEREMIAH:  Well, uh, I can…try.

GINA:  Do I have to convert or something?  Is that the deal?

            (He stands.)

JEREMIAH:  Ma’am, I think we’re moving a little too fast here.

            (She sits him back down.)

GINA:  Well, it’s not like we have much time.  I mean, life as we know it could end at any minute.  I think now’s the time to cut the small talk, don’t you?

JEREMIAH:  I, uh—okay, I have to be honest about something.

GINA:  Go ahead.

JEREMIAH:  I’m not really—prepared for this.

GINA:  For what?

JEREMIAH:  You know, for you to actually be listening to what I’m saying.

GINA:  But don’t you want—

JEREMIAH:  Oh, this is great.  Don’t get me wrong.  In many ways this is—really—I’ve dreamed—dreamt—of this, but I have no idea what to do in terms of, you know, helping you.

GINA:  Don’t you have reading material or something?

JEREMIAH:  I do, but—I haven’t exactly…read it…myself.

GINA:  You haven’t?

JEREMIAH:  Well, not all of it.  I mean, there’s so much.  It just goes on and on—

GINA:  Maybe you could send somebody else here or—?

JEREMIAH:  No, please, ma’am, I know how this looks, but please don’t turn me away.  With all these people looking for help now that mankind is in jeopardy, people like me are making a killing out there—so to speak, you know, with saving souls and everything.  I don’t want to be the one guy who forgot to bring his sifter during a Gold Rush.

GINA:  Look, there’s really nothing wrong with you that some quick lessons in sales can’t fix.

JEREMIAH:  Sales?

GINA:  Yeah, I mean, basically what you’re looking to do is develop a sales pitch.  My mom was a saleswoman at a department store.  She did perfumes, stuff like that.  She was something else--saleswoman of the year six years in a row.  Her boss once said she could sell the ass right out of a skunk.

JEREMIAH:  Well, that sure does sound like an accomplishment.

GINA:  You just need to learn to spin this whole thing.  It doesn’t seem scary enough yet.  The news is holding back from coming right out and saying it’s all over.  We’re through—uh, uh—

JEREMIAH:  Jeremiah.

GINA:  Jeremiah, yes.  You have to play up the fear aspect.  I’m Gina.

JEREMIAH:  Fear?

GINA:  Fire and brimstone.  That sort of thing.  Make me feel the heat, Jeremiah!

JEREMIAH:  I’m a little frightened by you.

GINA:  You should be.  You have no idea who I am.  You knock on doors, and for all you know, you could be walking right into the lair of some sadistic serial killer BUT you have faith—am I right?

JEREMIAH:  I don’t have that much faith.

GINA:  Then, that’s a problem.  How are you going to sell me faith if you don’t have any?

JEREMIAH:  Again, I’m really bad at this.  And I’m terrible at reading people.  For example, I don’t know if you’re playing a game with me right now or if you really are disturbed.

GINA:  Ha!  You’re cute.  Do you have a girlfriend?  Do they let you have girlfriends in the Mormon army?

JEREMIAH:  It’s not really an—No, I don’t have a—I’m uncomfortable.

GINA:  Jer, you should be using the highlights of your religion to try and win me over.  Like, the underwear.  So cute.  And sister wives—it’s such an intriguing idea.  I know it screams anti-feminism, but if it means I don’t have to be the one emptying the dishwasher every night, sign me up.

JEREMIAH:  We don’t actually do the whole polygamy thing anymore.  I think.  I don’t know.  I haven’t read that pamphlet yet.

GINA:  Look, we’re getting nowhere.

JEREMIAH:  Maybe I should go—

GINA:  No!  No, no, no.  You’re not giving up that easy.  Don’t you want to win Mormon of the Year?

JEREMIAH:  That’s not a thing, but okay.

GINA:  Tell me why you believe what you believe.

JEREMIAH:  Well, I have to believe in something, don’t I?

GINA:  That is profound, Jeremiah.  Really, that is—can I say something sort of crazy?

JEREMIAH:  Sure, why stop now?

GINA:  I feel a deep, spiritual kinship with you.

JEREMIAH:  Maybe you’re just drunk.  Have you been drinking?

GINA:  Of course I’ve been drinking.  It’s the end of times.  What else would I be--Oh wow, you know what?  We should drink together.

JEREMIAH:  No, I can’t drink.

GINA:  You are really not selling me on this religion, Jerry.

JEREMIAH:  Should we backtrack--start from the beginning?

GINA:  Look, I already know about Adam and Eve.  Don’t touch the apple!  God made me.  Fine, but now it’s going to burn when you pee.  Woman’s curse!  I got it, Jerry, I got it all.

JEREMIAH:  You know, this—what I’m doing—it’s really for people who are…lost and afraid and confused and…in need of some…hope.  You don’t seem to be—any of those things, so—

GINA:  Jeremiah, do not let my façade fool you.  I may come across as boisterous and loud, but trust me, I’m terrified about what’s coming.  This whole thing has just—rocked me to my core.

            (A beat.)

JEREMIAH:  Well, I’m—sorry, then. 

GINA:  I don’t—have company often, so…Maybe I come across as a little bit too strong.  When you grow up with a  mom who works all the time and no father and—tiny violins, I know, I know.  Look, you’re not the first person who I’ve roped into talking to me just because they were obligated to stop by.  Jehovah’s witnesses, politicians running for reelection, the guy who checks the meter—I’ve gotten them all.  You were a lot nicer than most people though, so—thank you.

JEREMIAH:  I—You’re welcome.

GINA:  I was pretty sure the last person’s voice I was going to hear was my own.

JEREMIAH:  Well, why don’t you tell me more about that?  That fear, I mean, of being on your own.

GINA:  Is this the extended pitch?

JEREMIAH:  No pitch, just—I’d like to help.

GINA:  (Smiles.)  Uh, well, where would I start?

JEREMIAH:  Start from the beginning.  Adam and Eve.  Cain and Abel.  Jesus Christ Superstar.

GINA:  You got time?

JEREMIAH:  Oh, I got nothing but time.

            (He leans forward to listen.  GINA begins to talk.)