Ice Cream

(The ice cream aisle of a supermarket.  PHILLIP and SANDRA meet midway down the aisle.  Total strangers.)

PHILLIP:  Hello.

SANDRA:  Hello.

PHILLIP:  I thought they evacuated this part of town.

SANDRA:  Apparently not.

PHILLIP:  Do you have a gun?

SANDRA:  No.  Do you?

PHILLIP:  Yes.

SANDRA:  You’re lying.

PHILLIP:  Okay.  I am.

SANDRA:  Do you live here?

PHILLIP:  No.  I was staying in the Target down the road, sleeping behind the laundry baskets, but then these two guys showed up and they wouldn’t stop talking, so I snuck out and came here.

(A moment.)

I really just wanted ice cream.

SANDRA:  Yeah?

PHILLIP:  Yeah.

SANDRA:  I sort of did too.

PHILLIP:  We should eat it all before it melts.

SANDRA:  Everybody should.  There should be a worldwide announcement.  Everybody eat all the ice cream, it’s going to melt.  What’s your desired flavor?

PHILLIP:  Vanilla.

SANDRA:  Vanilla.  Have chocolate.  Live a little.

PHILLIP:  I like vanilla.  Vanilla is living.

SANRDA:  You like vanilla because you’re afraid.  Don’t be afraid.  The world’s ending.  Now is not the time for vanilla.

PHILLIP:  So you’re eating chocolate?

SANDRA:  I’m eating Double Fudge Explosion.  So yes, in a manner of speaking, I’m eating chocolate.

PHILLIP:  How much ice cream do you think we can eat before we have to stop?

SANDRA:  I plan on eating nothing but ice cream until all the ice is gone or I’m dead from bloating or acquired lactos intolerance.

PHILLIP:  I was thinking of eating some of those expensive cheeses that nobody ever buys because nobody wants to spend that much on cheese.

SANDRA:  I’m thinking of seeing if they have caviar anyway.  I think it’d be weird to die without ever having eaten caviar.

PHILLIP:  You’ve never eaten caviar?

SANDRA:  No, never.  Have you?

PHILLIP:  I guess not.  I guess I’d remember.

SANDRA:  I’m trying to think of what else I haven’t eaten.

PHILLIP:  I’ve never eaten quinoa.

SANDRA:  I don’t even know what that is.

PHILLIP:  I don’t really either.  I just know that people talk about it, like—Oh, I had quinoa today.  It was great.

SANDRA:  I’ve never had risotto.

PHILLIP:  I’ve never had salmon.

SANDRA:  That’s impossible.  Everybody’s had salmon.

PHILLIP:  I don’t like seafood.

SANDRA:  Oh right, you haven’t had caviar either.

(A thought.)

Well, caviar’s beyond seafood.  It’s so much more than just seafood.

(Another thought.)

But if you don’t like seafood you shouldn’t have caviar—or salmon.  Don’t eat things you don’t like just because the world’s ending.

PHILLIP:  But  I want to try new things.

SANDRA:  Why try new things now?  Don’t bother.  Just spend time eating things you want to eat.

PHILLIP:  But I’ve been so picky my entire life.  I only really like three things.  And one of them was vanilla ice cream and you just told me I can’t eat that.

SANDRA:  You can it if you want to eat it.  I just think you should be—What are the other two foods you like?

PHILLIP:  Well…cheese.

SANDRA:  Right.  You wanted to do the cheeses.  What else?

PHILLIP:  I like bread.

SANDRA:  Bread?

PHILLIP:  I really like bread.  A lot.

SANDRA:  So you’re telling me you like vanilla ice cream, cheese, and bread?

PHILLIP:  Yup.  That’s the big dream.

SANDRA:  Are you a real person or a French peasant?

PHILLIP:  I’m just…simple, I guess.

SANDRA:  Well, you have to eat more than that.  We have an entire supermarket at our disposal.  And if the comet does hit, which it’s going to, I’m going to board up the windows and barricade the doors so it’ll be just us and a lot of food until the comet radiation or whatever seeps in and kills us.  That means we could actually have some time to kill and a lot of food, so you’re gong to have to make some tough decisions about the kind of life you want to lead.  Partly because, I also like bread, which means we’ll probably run out of that and then you’ll only have cheese and vanilla ice cream and once the ice cream melts you’ll just have cheese, and you can’t have only that, that’d be gross, so you have to at least consider what you might like.

PHILLIP:  God, even the Apocalypse is complicated.

SANDRA:  I can help.  I can help you.  I’m happy to help.

PHILLIP:  Do you know a lot about food?

SANDRA:  No, I just know a lot about doing what you want to do.  I’m basically professionally selfish.  But that could come in handy now that it’s dog-eat-dog.

PHILLIP:  Is it dog-eat-dog?

SANDRA:  It has to be.  I mean, look at us.  We’re hiding out in a supermarket.  Clearly the end times are, you know, near.

PHILLIP:  So we just—what?  Enjoy ourselves.

SANDRA:  Well, we can’t really enjoy ourselves, per se, but we can eat, you know?  We can get fat.  That’s kinda cool.

PHILLIP:  How fat can we get before we die of the seeping comet radiation?

SANDRA:  I’m going to get obese.  I don’t care if I have to do it in a day.  I’m going to get so fat I want to take up two aisles.  My whole life I tried not to get fat.  I wasted so much time trying to stay skinny.  So now I’m going to get that time back.  I’m going to eat until I explode.  And that’s not a figure of speech.  Before the comet kills me, I really want to explode.  I’m going to start eating, and if I stop for any reason, I want you to keep shoveling the food down my throat, all right?

PHILLIP:  Uh…

SANDRA:  All right?

PHILLIP:  All right, okay.

SANDRA:  And I’ll help you expand your culinary horizons.  This is good.  This is a good pairing, you and me.  We’re going to do okay.

PHILLIP:  Yeah.  I’m glad I found you.

SANDRA:  I’m glad I found you too.

PHILLIP:  (Holds out his hand.)  Until we both explode.

(SANDRA shakes his hand.)

SANDRA:  Until then.

(They both turn and look out at the wall of ice cream.)