Confessions of a Ventriloquist Dummy

The thing is...

Ugh...

I don't respect him as a performer

You know, he's just...

He's always going for the cheap joke

Knock, knock jokes

I mean, it's 2011, you know?

We're not exactly pushing the boundaries of comedy here

I'm just...

I've been thinking about just going solo

I had a meeting with the Henson people last week
And it went really, really well

I didn't tell him about it because...

He just gets really melodramatic
Whenever I talk about the act

'We've been doing this act for blah blah blah we did this act on Carson blah blah blah a classic is a classic blah blah blah.'

I just tune him out, you know?

I think you just move past people at some point

You know, he's in his eighties now
And I'm...

Well, I'm wood

But I'm, you know, timeless

I'm going to be around long after he is

And I'm really sick of the knock, knock stuff

I'd like to add more darkness to the act, you know?

Talk about stuff that really infuriates me

Like termites and jugglers

You ever try following a juggler onstage?

It's like the crowd's just been flashed by an octogenarian
And then it's your job to make them laugh

Why can't we talk about that
Instead of how crazy his wife is
Or how much his wife nags him
Or how bad of a driver his wife is

You want to to know a secret?

HE DOESN'T HAVE A WIFE!

Every time he says 'Take my wife--please'
I want to say--'YOU'RE A LIAR!'

But I don't

Mostly because he doesn't have my mouth open at that point
So it's sort of impossible

. . . . .

I've been having this dream lately

Where I sit on his lap
And talk
Just talk
Talk as much as I want

And he just sits there
And listens

And the audience doesn't care
They love it
They barely notice him
Because they're so invested
In what I'm saying

I make them laugh
So hard they hold each other
And when the act's done
The entire audience
Is one big mass of people
Embracing each other

And that's comedy
That's real comedy

At least, to me it is

. . . . .

It's going to kill him when I leave

As much as he complains
He knows there's no act without me

Maybe when I'm gone he'll get another dummy

One who isn't as smart as me

You Knew What You Were Getting Into

You knew what you were getting into
But you wanted to get into it anyway

You wanted to get into my pants
My parties, my presents
Unwrap me
Understand me
Get under me
Get to know me
Get to know me enough to figure out
What it would take
To take me off your to-do list

You knew I was complicated
And confused and crazy
And you used those things to your advantage
To have some arm candy for a few nights
For a few different parties
So a few new exes
Could see that you struck gold again

You knew there was a chance
I wouldn't go quietly
Or put on a show quietly
Or let you know quietly
That I wasn't going to be
Easy to get rid of

You knew that you wanted me laying in your bed
But out of your head
And away from your life

You wanted my number to disappear from your phone
As soon as you were alone
With somebody else

You wanted sex on Sunday
With no Monday conditions
Wishin' I would stop my bitchin'
And just let you fuck me in your kitchen
While the next girl showered up
To be deflowered
Because multi-tasking's where you get your power

You knew this was going to be a year-long affair
And you still didn't care
Because you wanted to see
If you could stick your hand inside of the lion cage
Without losing a hand

You knew I'd make demands and plan
On moving in
Two minutes after your two-minute conquest
Was over

You knew I'd proudly wear your flag
But not without a tag
That said I was something to you

Oh come on, baby
You knew what you were getting into

...Didn't you?

It Happened Again

Hello?  Is this the super?

Hello Super, this is Monica McFinley
From 4D?

No, my mother is Sally McFinley
I am Monica McFinley
My mother's daughter
And you have met me on several occasions
Including the time you suggested
That your three-year-old son and I could have a 'play date'
Despite the fact that I am four-years-old
And women mature faster than men
So technically, I'm about eight years older than him
In maturity years

That, however, is neither here nor there

I am calling you because I have tried talking to my parents about this
And they simply will not listen

They keep telling me they don't want to 'bother' you
Whereas I feel that it's your job to take care of these sorts of things

Super, there is a monster in my closet

Yes, a very large monster
And I would like it removed

It has scared me four times in the past month
And last night it happened again
So I'm going to need you to take care of that

I don't know if there's any sort of special procedure
For monster-removal
But I'll be happy to google it for you
If you like

Obviously I can't do much more than that
Otherwise, what would be the point in my parents paying rent?

There might even be a nickel tip in it for you
If you can get the monster out
Without making my room too much of a mess

I'm having friends over for tea later
And I'd prefer it
If my stuffed animals were covered in monster blood
When they get here

I'd like this done as soon as possible
I realize the Wagners have a burst pipe
That's flooding their living room
But at least they're not in danger of being eaten

I'll be leaving shortly for a trip to the playground
And when I come back
I'd like a monster-free closet

Otherwise, I'll have to talk to my parents
About moving into the toy store down the street
And you'll be down a tenant

Thank you, and by the way
I think your son has cooties

Good-bye

I Left My Dignity in Your Apartment

I need to come over
And get my dignity

I left it in the pile of socks
By your bed

Did we, at one point
Fondle each other
In that pile of socks

Is that why I smell like feet today?

I am revolting
I have mated with an idiot

In the days before condoms
I would be carrying your child right now

In the caveman days
There would be a little you
Growing inside me
Right at this moment

And I would throw myself in front of the tyrannosaurus
Rather than continue living

Do you or do you not
Have action figures
Above your bed?

I have now made love in front of Darth Vader
And it is not nearly as exciting
As I thought it would be

And what was with all the jars?
Was that actual hair in those jars?
Are you some kind of weirdo?

I mean, clearly you're weird
But are you a weirdo
Is being weird a part of your inner fabric?

It's your hair?

You save your hair?

For what?

(Please say cancer charities)

Chewbacca dolls?

F**k me

I'll be by tomorrow
To get my dignity
And fool around with you some more

Not because I want to
But because I sort of want to see the Chewbacca dolls

And besides
I think my dignity
Is long gone

But Officer, What Else Could I Have Done?

But officer, what else could I have done?

Stop at the stop sign?

Yes, officer
I suppose I could have done that

But I was speaking in a more universal tone

As in, what else could I have done with my life?

In the grand scheme of things
You don't just stop for stop signs

You stop for the girls you're dating
You stop for your parents dreams
You stop for that job you didn't get because you failed the drug test
Because you smoked pot the night before
And got so high
You didn't even remember smoking pot

In life, there are so many 'stop signs'

Pretty soon, you just stop reading the signs, you know?

You just drive right through them
And sure, maybe you run over a few squirrels
Here and there

But at least you're going
You know what I mean, officer?

At least you're moving towards another destination
Instead of waiting at some four-way intersection
Waiting to see if anybody else wants to actually grab their balls
And speed up a little bit
And head on down the road
Towards something better

Hey, do you want a drink?
I have some beers in the back
I feel like this conversation
Would be better with beer

So where was I?

Oh right

Your wife leaves you for a fry cook
At Applebee's
And suddenly you're using your turn signal thinking--

Fuck my turn signal

Why can't I just turn?

Why does the person behind me
Need to know where I'm going?

Why don't they just focus on where THEY'RE going?

What if we ALL just focused on where WE'RE going?

Then we wouldn't need turn signals
And we wouldn't need marriage
And we wouldn't need taxes
And we wouldn't need war

But we would stop needing turn signals first
And I think that's a step in the right direction

So, no, officer
I did not stop at the stop sign
And yes, I'm aware that I didn't stop
And now I'm stopped anyway
Because apparently my path in the universe
Is a stationary one
So if you'd like to just arrest me for being a cosmic bystander
I give you full permission

A warning?

You're just going to give me a warning?

Wow, that is awesome of you, officer
You're a stand-up guy

This might just change my whole life

I'll just be on my...

Huh...

Car won't start...

Are you sure you don't want to just shoot me?

Oh Sorry--I Thought You Worked Here

Oh sorry--I thought you worked here

You're walking around in a red polo
And everyone who works here wears red polos
And no name tags!

Isn't that something?  No name tags?

How are you supposed to complain about bad service
When you don't even know the name
Of the person giving it to you?

Maybe you can help me anyway
Since you're only looking at colanders

Honey, a colander is a colander
As long as it strains the macaroni
What difference does it make what color it is?

Heck, you could just buy a bowl
And poke a howl in it

Anyway, what I wanted to ask was--

Do you think these shoes would turn on a man?

My husband has a thing for shoes
But for the life of me, I don't know why

What's so sexy about something
People keep their feet in all day

If someone kept their foot in a bag all day
Getting it sweaty and smelly
Would you want to drink wine out of it?

That's what my husband wants to do

A man turns fifty-four and suddenly
He starts looking at my Payless boxes
The same way I look at John Stamos

Isn't he a handsome man, don't you think?

You know when I married my husband
He looked NOTHING like John Stamos

That's how in love with him I was

Oh honey, are you buying triskets?
Why don't you just eat parrot food?
It's the same thing

Here, take my Oreos
You're too skinny
You need some frosting in your diet

So what do you think?
Should I buy these shoes?
Or send him to therapy?

I realize the shoes are cheaper
But the therapy won't break my toes

Does your husband have any sort of fetish?

Is he into cheese?
I hear there's this new thing
Where guys are into cheese

I don't know what they do with the cheese
But I don't think they eat it
Because what would be the harm in that?

Honey, please
Feel free to be honest
You can tell me if you think my husband is a pervert
I won't get mad

If anything I'll just wish I'd met you sooner

Hahaha...

Wait...

Do you speak English?

English?

Well, honey
You should really tell a person something like that
Before you--

Oh wait!  There's your name tag!

...Michael?

Oh...

Now I'm all sorts of confused

But on Facebook You Were White

I'm just a little confused, because...

On Facebook, you were...

I mean...um...

Of the...white...persuasion

Not that I'm against you...not being...white
It's just that...there's a certain...expectation
That you will look like what your photo looks like
And your photo is of a twenty-three year old white guy with lovely brown eyes
And you're a forty-seven year old Asian man...also with lovely...brown eyes

But what your profile is not an accurate representation
Of who you actually are

Sir--sorry--Dylan
Which, just so we're clear
Is not what I think your actual name is--

Dylan, please don't try convincing me
That that photo was taken two weeks ago

You do not become Asian
And age twenty years
In two weeks

Unless you're Benjamin Button
And even then
You need special effects people
And the love of a kind black woman

Were you under the impression
That I would just continue on with this date
Despite the fact that you're not at all
What you appeared to be on your profile?

Admittedly, I did order an appetizer
But that was just to absorb the shock I felt
When instead of Hunter Parrish
I sat across from Pat Morita

No, we cannot be friends

Trust is a huge factor with my friends
Except the girls
I lie to them all the time
And I don't really have many guy friends but--

The point is, you're creepy
And as soon as I'm done eating my mozzarella sticks
I am out of here

And none of this has anything to do
With me being racist

What?

Well...maybe I've gained a little weight
Since that photo was taken, but...

Well...I suppose cameras can be
A little...deceiving