God Doesn't Like You

Last night I got a text from God
Telling me that you were a mess
And done putting up with you
Just generally really fed up
With your bullshit

I guess God had to pick you up
After you got beyond drunk
Again

Which is now a term we use
In the circle
The circle you're clinging to
But which you are quickly becoming
A non-entity in

We say--beyond drunk

Because you're never just drunk
You're always 'beyond drunk'

And we laugh when we say it

Because it's funny
You're laughable
Truly

So God went and picked you up
Then you threw up in the car
Which you always do
Which is why none of us pick you up anymore

And God took you home
And cleaned you up
And put you to bed

And the whole thing took until 4am
At which point God was exhausted
And had to like, be up early the next day
To, I don't know, make a sunrise or something

So the next morning
I call God back
And I'm like--

Why did you pick him up?
You should have left him there

And God's like--

No, I can't
I can't leave him
I'm God

Blah blah blah

And I'm like--

God, none of us like him anymore
You need to just let it go

And God goes--

Yeah, well
I don't like him either very much right now
But I can't let him go

And I kinda realized
It's sort of like God is your Mom
Or like, your Dad

Even when God doesn't like you very much
Which apparently can happen
God still sort of has to love you

Which is a lot more
Than I felt I was required to do

But you know, I think that's a good lesson
Like, obviously I'm not very religious
But to look at, like, things on a greater scale

To look at all of humankind
And say--

You know what?

You don't have to like everyone
You don't have to party with everyone
You don't have to fake smile and be dumb

But you do have to take care of each other

That made me think, you know?

God doesn't like you
But God's also going to stick with you
Until you straighten your shit up

Which I think is admirable

If not really frustrating for God
Because you're such a mess

But maybe next time I'll pick you up

I guess if God can put up with you
Then so can I

Can't Go Back to Casey

Aye, what the fuck?

Now I can't go back to Casey

Started driving there today
Started crying like a bitch
Cause going back there
Makes me think of her

What the fuck, you know?
What the fuck?

Used to go to Casey
Long before I met her, man
Long, long time before her

But now I see the exit sign
And my fuckin' eyes are tearin' up
Like I'm a bitch or somethin'

What the fuck, man?

Now I can't go to Deuce's
Which is retarded
Because that's where everybody goes
And now I can't go there

Not because she goes there
Cause she was always too fuckin'
High and mighty for Deuce's
But just because I drive into Casey
And I lose my shit

I'm a fuckin' basket case, man

Bitch turned me into
A fuckin' nuthole

I see the 7-11 on Natton Ave
I see the Brisby's on Tule
I see the diner right by her house

...I see her house

And I just...

It's fuckin' sick, you know?

Like this whole place has been contaminated
A whole part of my life
I can't hang out in anymore
Can't go back to again

This whole bad thing
Just spread itself out
Over an entire town

Fuckin' sucks, you know?

So now I'm not just gonna miss her
I'm gonna miss her and Casey's
And Deuce's and the 7-11
And a year that was really fuckin' good
Until all the shit happened

I'm gonna miss that whole thing

And her

It was hard enough just missing her

But you fuckin' man up and deal, you know?

So I can't go back to Casey
Guess I gotta find somewhere else to go

Mary Ann Goes Shopping

That blue top is on sale
It's on sale
You can't just let it sit there
You have to buy it
It's on sale, Kerri

GRAB IT ALREADY!

I don't understand you

Does it look good
Does it not look good

Who cares?

It's on sale

Buy it now
Try it on
If it doesn't look good
Bring it back

But you have to act
You have to act now
Can't take it into the dressing room with you
And stare at it for twenty minutes
While other bargains are flying out of the store

Did you see that pair of gloves I lost earlier?

And why?

Because I hesitated

I should have grabbed
Those were nice gloves
And they were on SALE!

And I let them go

It breaks my heart

Three years ago there was a sweater I wanted
But I told myself I'd be splurging
So I decided to come back the next week
And pick it up

Guess what?

GONE

I'll never forgive myself for that

That sweater haunts me
To this day

You

You let everything go, Kerri
That's why you're steeped in misery

Your net's got all kinds of holes in it
Things are just flying right through you
Like you're not even there
Like you're a ghost

That's what you are, Kerri
A shopping ghost

You gotta seize what you like

Remember that boy you liked in fourth grade?

Danny Danvers?

Remember how you let him
Slip through your fingers?

Well, he's a meth addict now

See what you did?

If you'd have loved him
Grabbed onto him
Filled him with your womanhood
He might have turned out all right

Watch

You put down that blue top
And pretty soon
It'll be doing meth too

That's how the world works

It does not reward
One who rests on their laurels

So, you gonna buy it?

Good

. . . . .

I mean, I technically looked at it first
But--

Never mind

You snooze you lose

I guess today was not my day

You Need a Boyfriend

You need a boyfriend

You don't need a listener
An individual
A passionate, ambitious
Thinker

You don't need someone
To challenge
Or your perceptions
Or call you out on your bullshit

You just need a boyfriend
Right?

You need a fan
You need an unconditional support system
Without any practicality
Or any real communication

You need someone to cuddle with
And see bad movies with
And go out drinking with
And fight in public with
And someone to break up with
Once summer rolls around

A boyfriend, right?

You need a boyfriend

You need fun Facebook statuses
And photos to post on your wall
That all your dumb fag hags
Can comment on

You need to feel validated
Twenty-four hours a day
You need him to stay with you
Constantly

Because 'me' becomes 'we'
And 'we' is a full-time job

You need a 'me' anymore

You just need a boyfriend

In other words
You don't need a person
You don't need a man
You don't need a brain
You don't need a conversationalist
You don't need a life outside your "relationship"

All you need
Is a boyfriend

Wow

No wonder you didn't need me

It'll Happen

-- I was saying to someone that whenever a show seems like it's going to be bad, the people in it tend to say 'It'll be fine' or 'It'll work out' or 'I have faith in [Name of Director]' when really what they mean is 'It'll happen.' Somehow, no matter what, the show will happen, and for many people, that seems good enough. This is inspired by that, got it? --

"It'll Happen"

It'll happen

It'll be a travesty
A horrific nightmare
Brought to life by demons
In the form of bad actors
Who speak as if the script
Were pasted to their face
And their body movements were being controlled
By puppet-string pulling orangutans

But it'll happen

The audiences will scream
They'll howl
Half of them will go home
And beat their children

Or perhaps they will discover
The true meaning of gratitude
Grateful that they only have to experience the production
Whereas the actors and crew
Have to go through it over and over again

Yes, they'll loathe it
And tell their friends
To avoid it
As one would avoid
A truck stop off Rt. 1
At four in the morning

But it'll happen

The reviewers will lambaste it
They will tear it apart
They will find new words
To say how horrible it is

'It was--flugurgin'
'It was--bopshepa'
'It was--plurz'

They will write multiple reviews
Not being able to stop talking about
What a disgusting event
They have just witnessed

People will frame these reviews
And study them
For they will perfectly encapsulate
How to disembowel a phony work of art

The reviews will be column upon column
Of bile and hatred

But it'll happen

The actors will smile
And say it's good

'Isn't it good?'
'I think it's good!'
'Me too!'
'I know I'm good in it!'
'Yeah, I'm good in it, too!'
'And that's all that matters, right?'
'Yup, that we're having fun.'
'Who cares if nobody else is?'
'Who cares if we're the ones who should be paying people to see it?'
'It's not that bad.'
'No, it's actually, probably amazing.'
'Yeah, because we're in it!'
'EXACTLY!'

They'll never understand
Why it's a disaster
But it won't matter

Because it happened

The way they say most of being a parent
Is just being there

In theater, sometimes
Most of it
Is just making it happen

If it's good, great
If it's great, fantastic
If it changes lives
Then you have truly
Succeeded as an artist

But if all you want to do is get a few good photos
And force your friends to shell out twenty bucks
And keep their eyes on you for two hours
Then shuck out false compliments after the show

Then all it has to do
Is happen

But It's Not Gonna Break My Heart

It's gonna slam me up against a wall
It's gonna take my breath away
It's gonna have me sag down to the floor
Like I'm defeated
Like I'm done
Like I'm nothing

But I'm not

It might set me back
But it's not gonna break my heart

It's gonna tackle me
Try my patience
Try to teach me something
Something I thought I knew
But maybe I didn't learn my lesson
Maybe I should have listened harder
Looked longer
Noticed the signs

But I didn't

It might take me by surprise
But it's not gonna break my heart

It might bruise my ego
It might force me to let go
Of immaturity and old bad habits
And take a stab at new opportunities
And not leave myself open
To everybody who knocks

It might

It might knock me down
But it's not gonna break my heart

You can put it all up
For the world to see

You can paste your smile on a billboard
And say that's happiness
But it doesn't make the joy real

You can show me
How much better you're doing
Without me

But it doesn't make you healthy
And it doesn't make me crazy
And it doesn't change the past
And it doesn't cement the future
And it doesn't make him the man I am
Or make him understand you
The way I did

You can kid me, kid
But you're not gonna break my heart

I'm a tough guy
With a shield
And a sword
And his words
And his friends
And his mistakes
And his messes
And his lessons

And all taken together
It's not such a bad deal

But you passed
And when you pass this way
You may not get
To pass again

And it's not a bad heart
If nothing else
It's been a good friend

Held up when I needed it to
When I needed it to stick it out
It did

It did

So you can tell the world
Whatever you want
And flaunt your newfound freedom
Wear it around
Like a brand new shirt

And it'll hurt
Yeah, it'll hurt

But it's not gonna break my heart

Fishing with God

God and I went fishing
At the lake by Pueblo Norova
Where the water is clear
And you can see the fish
As they go by your line
Unprompted by your worms
Which lay still
Knowing their life is at stake

God and I talked for a bit
But mostly we just sat

He picked me up his truck
At around four am
And he had coffee ready
Which was nice

'How's Beth doing?'
'Eh, the same.'
'Been taking her pills?'
'Yeah.'
'She's not.'
'No?'
'No.'
'Shit.'
'Tell her to take them.'
'I will.'
'Tell her I said to.'
'Okay.'

I don't tell him
Beth doesn't believe in him
She gave up on him
When the doctor showed her the x-rays
And I swore I could hear a door close somewhere

We get to the lake
And I have my first beer
God looks at the beer
Then at me
Then at his watch
But he doesn't say anything

I drink when I want now
Because if I'm going to die in six months
If there's that possibility
Then I want to be able
To say I did what I wanted
When I wanted to do it

Sometimes we talk about work
I ask God--

'How's work?'

And he says--

'Had an avalanche yesterday in Peru.'
'Anybody die?'
'A few people.'
'Sorry.'
'Thought it was going to happen tomorrow.'
'You didn't know for sure?'
'I try not to know. It makes it easier.'
'Gotcha.'
'How's the job hunt?'
'Shitty.'
'Yeah, I know.'

And we cast out the lines
And sit
And nod off
And I sip my beer
And he eats a sandwich
And we wait to feel a tug

God throws his fish back
But I keep mine
Because Beth can still eat fish
Without getting sick
So I make it for her
Whenever I can

She can eat the fish from Pueblo Norova
But most other stuff
She can't keep down

'Looks like it's going to rain, God.'
'Not today, Bill.'
'Sky's dark.'
'Not gonna rain.'
'You sure?'
'I'm sure.'

I guess I should take him at his word
But lately I've had trouble believing him

He told me a story once
Something about--

'...And wouldn't you know it? The mom ended up finding his kid right there behind the concessions stand.'
'Yeah well, that happens a lot.'
'I know, but isn't it great? I mean, what if the kid had been kidnapped or something?'
'Some people get lucky.'
'Yeah, I guess.'
'Not everyone, but some.'
'Yeah.'

I don't feel lucky
And at the same time
I'm not sure I know what luck is

I want to ask God
I want to ask him if luck is him
If he has anything to do
With somebody getting lucky

If he likes you, does that help?
But then I think that he probably liked all those people
Underneath that avalanche
And they got screwed anyway

So then I think
What's the point of God
If God's just there?

I don't need God to just be there
I need him to do shit

I ask him what I really want to ask
It's taken me three Saturday mornings
To get up the nerve

'Do you know?'
'Yeah.'
'When?'
'Bill, you don't wanna know when.'
'Yeah, I do.'
'She'll go when she goes.'
'And I want to know when.'
'Bill, when she goes--'
'Fuck that, when?'

. . . . .

'When she goes, she's coming with me. Is that good enough?'
'Fuck no, it ain't. Pardon my fucking French.'
'You can swear all you want. I don't mind.'
'Oh you don't, huh?'
'Nope.'
'I think you do.'
'Why's that?'
'Cause it's in the Bible.'
'Fuck the Bible.'
'You kidding me?'
'Nope. Fuck the Bible.'
'Who the fuck are you to say fuck the Bible?'
'I'm God, fucker.'
'Yeah, well--fuck you.'
'Fuck you, too.'
'You already have.'
'Go fuck yourself.'
'Fuck off.'

I feel bad telling God to fuck off
But then I don't feel bad
Because I don't want God getting Beth
She's my girl
And I don't want God to have her

I ask again
This time more quiet

'When?'
'Couple of months.'
'That's what the doctor said.'
'Sometimes they know what they're talking about.'
'Is it gonna be bad?'
'For a little while, then she'll go in her sleep. It'll be alright.'
'Will I be there?'
'Where the fuck else would you be?'
'I don't fucking know. I'm just asking.'
'You're there. The Tin Man's there. The Cowardly Lion--'
'Hey, this isn't funny!'
'You have to see it from my perspective.'
'Enlighten me.'
'She's in so much pain sometimes when you're out fishing with me, she climbs up on the roof and thinks about jumping off.'

My heart just hit a wall
I stare at God
Wondering if he's lying
Wondering if he's just saying shit
To fuck with me

'When she's gone, she'll be with me. And there aren't any roofs where she's going. And she can wear diamond rings. And she'll get that Mustang she wants. And she can eat whatever she wants without throwing up.'

I stare at the water
Stare at the worm
At the end of the hook
Hanging on
Just hanging on

I say something
To say something--

'Her Mom up there?'
'Yup.'
'That's good. She misses her.'
'I don't know why. That woman's a bitch.'
'Yeah, I know.'
'Drives me nuts.'
'Better you than me.'
'Thanks, fuckface.'

I hand God a beer
At first God doesn't acknowledge it
Then I shove it into God's chest
And God takes it
Takes a sip
Sits back on the dock
And lets out a breath

A long, dry breath

'I'm going to miss fishing with you, Bill.'
'What makes you say that?'
'Once Beth is gone, you're going to.'
'You mean I'm dying?'
'No, I mean you're not going to want to see me anymore. Not for awhile anyway.'

I know this
I've known this
I knew this
I know

'Yeah, well...Don't take it personally.'
'I never do.'

We sit and we fish
And I feel my line tug
But I don't pull it back

I let the fish get the worm
But I don't want the fish

I just want to sit
I just want to sit and not listen
And let my prayers
Go unanswered