Fishing with God

God and I went fishing
At the lake by Pueblo Norova
Where the water is clear
And you can see the fish
As they go by your line
Unprompted by your worms
Which lay still
Knowing their life is at stake

God and I talked for a bit
But mostly we just sat

He picked me up his truck
At around four am
And he had coffee ready
Which was nice

'How's Beth doing?'
'Eh, the same.'
'Been taking her pills?'
'Yeah.'
'She's not.'
'No?'
'No.'
'Shit.'
'Tell her to take them.'
'I will.'
'Tell her I said to.'
'Okay.'

I don't tell him
Beth doesn't believe in him
She gave up on him
When the doctor showed her the x-rays
And I swore I could hear a door close somewhere

We get to the lake
And I have my first beer
God looks at the beer
Then at me
Then at his watch
But he doesn't say anything

I drink when I want now
Because if I'm going to die in six months
If there's that possibility
Then I want to be able
To say I did what I wanted
When I wanted to do it

Sometimes we talk about work
I ask God--

'How's work?'

And he says--

'Had an avalanche yesterday in Peru.'
'Anybody die?'
'A few people.'
'Sorry.'
'Thought it was going to happen tomorrow.'
'You didn't know for sure?'
'I try not to know. It makes it easier.'
'Gotcha.'
'How's the job hunt?'
'Shitty.'
'Yeah, I know.'

And we cast out the lines
And sit
And nod off
And I sip my beer
And he eats a sandwich
And we wait to feel a tug

God throws his fish back
But I keep mine
Because Beth can still eat fish
Without getting sick
So I make it for her
Whenever I can

She can eat the fish from Pueblo Norova
But most other stuff
She can't keep down

'Looks like it's going to rain, God.'
'Not today, Bill.'
'Sky's dark.'
'Not gonna rain.'
'You sure?'
'I'm sure.'

I guess I should take him at his word
But lately I've had trouble believing him

He told me a story once
Something about--

'...And wouldn't you know it? The mom ended up finding his kid right there behind the concessions stand.'
'Yeah well, that happens a lot.'
'I know, but isn't it great? I mean, what if the kid had been kidnapped or something?'
'Some people get lucky.'
'Yeah, I guess.'
'Not everyone, but some.'
'Yeah.'

I don't feel lucky
And at the same time
I'm not sure I know what luck is

I want to ask God
I want to ask him if luck is him
If he has anything to do
With somebody getting lucky

If he likes you, does that help?
But then I think that he probably liked all those people
Underneath that avalanche
And they got screwed anyway

So then I think
What's the point of God
If God's just there?

I don't need God to just be there
I need him to do shit

I ask him what I really want to ask
It's taken me three Saturday mornings
To get up the nerve

'Do you know?'
'Yeah.'
'When?'
'Bill, you don't wanna know when.'
'Yeah, I do.'
'She'll go when she goes.'
'And I want to know when.'
'Bill, when she goes--'
'Fuck that, when?'

. . . . .

'When she goes, she's coming with me. Is that good enough?'
'Fuck no, it ain't. Pardon my fucking French.'
'You can swear all you want. I don't mind.'
'Oh you don't, huh?'
'Nope.'
'I think you do.'
'Why's that?'
'Cause it's in the Bible.'
'Fuck the Bible.'
'You kidding me?'
'Nope. Fuck the Bible.'
'Who the fuck are you to say fuck the Bible?'
'I'm God, fucker.'
'Yeah, well--fuck you.'
'Fuck you, too.'
'You already have.'
'Go fuck yourself.'
'Fuck off.'

I feel bad telling God to fuck off
But then I don't feel bad
Because I don't want God getting Beth
She's my girl
And I don't want God to have her

I ask again
This time more quiet

'When?'
'Couple of months.'
'That's what the doctor said.'
'Sometimes they know what they're talking about.'
'Is it gonna be bad?'
'For a little while, then she'll go in her sleep. It'll be alright.'
'Will I be there?'
'Where the fuck else would you be?'
'I don't fucking know. I'm just asking.'
'You're there. The Tin Man's there. The Cowardly Lion--'
'Hey, this isn't funny!'
'You have to see it from my perspective.'
'Enlighten me.'
'She's in so much pain sometimes when you're out fishing with me, she climbs up on the roof and thinks about jumping off.'

My heart just hit a wall
I stare at God
Wondering if he's lying
Wondering if he's just saying shit
To fuck with me

'When she's gone, she'll be with me. And there aren't any roofs where she's going. And she can wear diamond rings. And she'll get that Mustang she wants. And she can eat whatever she wants without throwing up.'

I stare at the water
Stare at the worm
At the end of the hook
Hanging on
Just hanging on

I say something
To say something--

'Her Mom up there?'
'Yup.'
'That's good. She misses her.'
'I don't know why. That woman's a bitch.'
'Yeah, I know.'
'Drives me nuts.'
'Better you than me.'
'Thanks, fuckface.'

I hand God a beer
At first God doesn't acknowledge it
Then I shove it into God's chest
And God takes it
Takes a sip
Sits back on the dock
And lets out a breath

A long, dry breath

'I'm going to miss fishing with you, Bill.'
'What makes you say that?'
'Once Beth is gone, you're going to.'
'You mean I'm dying?'
'No, I mean you're not going to want to see me anymore. Not for awhile anyway.'

I know this
I've known this
I knew this
I know

'Yeah, well...Don't take it personally.'
'I never do.'

We sit and we fish
And I feel my line tug
But I don't pull it back

I let the fish get the worm
But I don't want the fish

I just want to sit
I just want to sit and not listen
And let my prayers
Go unanswered