Amanda, In Church

She thinks about having sex last night
She thinks about the fact that it was good
It was really good sex
But it was also embarrassing
In that way
That really good sex is

Had she actually allowed herself
To be blind-folded?

Well, she was drunk
There was that too

She was still sort of drunk
Drunk and giggly
Because she was drunk thinking about sex
Thinking about that guy naked
That guy named...Matt!

There, she wasn't a slut
The guy had a name
His name was Matt

The priest had reached the sermon
Much like a hyena reaches a carcass
He was ready to dig in
Amanda could gather that much

It had been twelve years
Since she had been in church
But now here she was
Attending her niece's communion mass

Her sister went to church every week
Thereby solidifying her status
As the spiritual one in the family
Or, the one in the family
Everyone likes to talk shit about

Just yesterday
Before going out and getting drunk
Amanda had conversed with her mother
About her sister, Danielle

'She just thinks she's so--'
'I know, sweetheart, but that's how she is.'
'I can't fucking stand her.'
'I know, a lot of people can't.'
'I'm going out. I need to get trashed for this thing tomorrow.'
'Just don't drink and drive.'
'I'm not.'

She was

'And don't be late tomorrow. I don't feel like listening to your sister yell at me for raising an unpunctual daughter.'
'Tell her to fuck off.'
'I can't. We'll be in church.'
'I can't wait to get trashed tonight. I'm going to get so trashed.'
'I'm going to the casino. Don't do anything you'll regret later.'

She did

But it was a Saturday
That's what Saturday nights were for

If God wanted people in shape by Sunday
He should have put his day in the middle of the week
When people were more apt
Not to go out and get hammered

The priest was talking about responsibility
And he was looking right at her

Fuck him

She was here
Wasn't she?

She could have skipped the whole day
Like the rest of the world
Skips church
But she was here

Supporting her niece
Who is definitely the coolest little girl in the world
Who will be ruined
By her mother's over-protectiveness
And her insisting Jesus upon her awesome child

Danielle keeps shooting Amanda looks
As if just by being there hung-over
She's committing some sort of crime

All of it was making it really hard for Amanda
To not just throw up then and there

That was a talent she had
She could throw up
On cue
Anywhere

People thought she had an eating disorder
And she guessed her talent would have been helpful
If she did have one
But if anything
She had the opposite

She always thought she looked skinny
Even when she had to walk around in pajama pants
But nothing else fit her

Her perception was in a constant state
Of alteration

On goes the priest
Not mentioning God
Not yet
Amanda remembers
How priests sometimes do that in sermons

They leave God until the very end
As if exposing him as the murderer

"You know who did that...? GOD!"

She wished that pews came with dividers
Like limousines

She sees no reason
Why the priest should have to look at her
Or why she should have to look at him

It was the word of God, after all
As long as you could hear it
Why should sight be involved?

She was going to have to reward herself after this
Brunch at Toga with mimosas
Afternoon movie by herself to detox
Maybe the Sunday Night series at the Denouement

Life was all about doing shit
Then treating yourself
For accomplishing it

"...and you know where that love comes from, don't you?"

Ben and Jerry?

"GOD!"

Damn, she thought maybe this time
It would be different

She remembered being in a church like this one
For her Dad's funeral

Amanda remembers exactly three things
About her father:

1) His coughing
2) His laughing
3) His hatred of church

Her Mom would get her and Danielle up and dressed
In nice white dresses
Which meant no eating anything fun for breakfast
Because then stains were a possibility

(And with Amanda, a distinct possibility)

And their father would sit in the living room
Watching television
Not even entertaining the notion
Of going to church

"Church is bullshit"

The only time Amanda's mother managed
To get their father into church
Was, as he had promised
Over his dead body

Amanda remembered sitting there
In church
Listening to another priest
Much like the one she was listening to now
Talk about the impermanence of death

And suddenly the word rang out
Not the word of God
But the word of her father

'Bullshit'

Even as a child
She understood
That death was very permanent

And that the only reason to imply that it wasn't
Was to soothe people

She looked around
At her mother
At Danielle
At the other parishioners

And understood why they were there
They needed to be soothed

Amanda didn't need that
She wasn't going to allow that
She had been a storm her whole life
Just like her father
And she'd be damned if she'd let anyone
Pull her into port
Before she was ready

There was one part of church she liked

Shaking hands with people
And wishing them peace

As much as she didn't like shaking hands
Of total strangers

(Strangers who haven't bought her anything)

It felt good to be given peace
Or the idea of peace
And to give it back to someone

It was hard being a storm
And the desire for calm water
Would wash over her every once in awhile

So when the time came
To wish for peace

She shook her mother's hand
She shook her sister's hand
She knelt down and shook her niece's hand
And kissed her on the cheek

"Peace be with you, sweetie."

She looked at her niece
In her little white dress
And she wished for more than peace
If she was a storm
She wanted this little girl
To be lighthouse

A separate light
Not just protected from the madness
But a guide to get people out of it

If anyone could walk on water
It would be her

It would be
This little girl