Mutual

I've begun to dislike
The word 'mutual'

Because I want to make you breakfast
And because wanting me to make you breakfast
Is not a 'mutual' thing

The feeling's not--'mutual'

Many feelings are not 'mutual'

We share a certain taste
And certain interests
And ideas
And occasionally I can make you laugh

Which is sort of like...

It's like I've figured out
How to construct a lunar eclipse

I look at you laugh
And think--

Wait--that's a miracle

Was that me?

But I'm sure when you make me laugh
You're pleased with yourself
But not mystified
Desperately desiring to do it again

So you see
The feeling's not--

'Mutual'

Now just hearing the word
Makes me cringe

In any context

Mutual funds
Mutual friends
Mutually exclusive

Cringe
Wince
Grimace

If it were a matter of attraction
I could live
I could get by
I've dealt with people
Not being attracted to me
And it's something you learn to adapt to

But you don't want me to make you breakfast

You don't want to go out one night
And dance around the city
And make a total fool of yourself
And watch me do the same
And stumble back into your apartment
At some ungodly hour
And pass out laying parallel to each other
So that we'll be guaranteed to see each other
Right before we fall asleep

And then wake up the next day
And hear bacon sizzling
And know I'm in the kitchen
Waiting for you to wake up
So I can surprise you

The fact that you don't want that
That you have no interest in that
That everything about that dream of mine
Is not 'mutual'

It's an incredibly lonely feeling

Like I'm holding gold in my hand
And nobody can see it but me

It's only gold if it's 'mutual'
And it's not
It's just not 'mutual'

So instead it's just an open hand
And a friendly exchange
And a few good laughs

And keeping it all
To myself