The Villain Goes on a Diet

You look a lot tougher than my last trainer

That's good

I need someone tough

You shoot a hole in someone's arm
Because they make you run an extra lap on the track
And all of a sudden
They're not willing to push you anymore

And that's what I need
I need a push

(Just back off when I tell you too
Otherwise I'll have to shoot you in the arm)

My goal this year is to lose at least twenty pounds

Lately the Hero has been outrunning me

I know, since when do Heroes run?

Apparently times are tough
Because rather than have mobiles
Like they used to
Now the Heroes are either running
Or riding bikes

Well, I refuse to ride a bike

If you ride a bike
You have to install one of those girly baskets
To put your laser in
And then the laser is so heavy
It topples the bike over
And you fall down
And you land on your pet koala
And it bites you
And you die of rabies

So I can't ride bikes

IS THAT AN TURKISH DEATH MARCH MACHINE?!?!

OH MY GOD!

I HAVE NOT SEEN ONE OF THOSE SINCE 1997!

THAT IS--

Huh?

A treadmill?

Ohhh...

Egg plus face of villain equals me

Sorry about that

I got a little enthused

You could never understand the sweet jubilation
That comes from watching a simulated Turkish death march

It's like watching a baby giraffe being born
Horrifying yet miraculous

I mean, how does the thing not break its neck?
It literally falls out of the mother giraffe
Have you seen this?

Wait a minute--

WHY ARE YOU LETTING ME TALK ABOUT GIRAFFES BEING BORN?
I'M HERE TO WORK OUT!

RIDE ME!
RIDE ME!
RIDE ME!

. . . . .

Sorry

Was screaming that weird?

Are things awkward now?

Because you need to be comfortable with your trainer
Otherwise you need to tie him to a bunch of carrots
And throw him in your hungry bunny pit

And we don't want that, do we?

Good

So let's begin

Wait, I'm tired
Can I have a snack?
I have to pee

DON'T LET ME DO THAT!

DON'T LET ME MAKE EXCUSES!

I NEED TO LOSE TWENTY POUNDS
SO I CAN GO TO MY HIGH SCHOOL RE--

Uh...

Did you just hear a wind chime?
I thought I heard a wind chime
Which means the Hero may have infiltrated the compound

I have to go

But let's pick up where we left off
Tomorrow at three
Shall we?

AND DON'T LET ME SLACK OFF LIKE I DID TODAY!

Thanks

This really got my blood pumping