In the Event That I Die

Dear Kids,

In the event that I die, do not allow your father to remarry.
I have no interest in him being happy after my death.
I have an interest in him becoming a lonely old man
With a dog and a few plants.

As far as him taking care of himself
He'll be fine.
They make soup in plastic containers now.

I'm going to leave this letter on the dining room table
Before I head out to the airport.

It might seem silly to get so excitable
Over a three hour plane ride
But I remember what they buried your Auntie Ann in
When she forgot to specify an outfit
And let's just say better safe than sorry

Or better yet
Better safe
Than buried in a floral mu mu

Your Uncle Chris says he's had a rash since your Aunt died
All over his back
I think that's just her way
Of getting back at him

Assure your father that if he buries me in anything
Other than the blue outfit I have in the back of my closet
I will put an even bigger rash
On an even more uncomfortable part
Of his body

In the event that I die
Tell your grandmother
That I never liked her
Actually, tell BOTH grandmothers that

Lizzie, you get to keep my jewelry
Madison, you get to keep my car
Jerry, you can have whatever pills you can find in the medicine cabinet

I am satisfied with the job I have done as a mother
Up until this point

I can't say I'm thrilled
But I did what I could
With what I had

And when all else fails
You all got fresh cookies
At least once a week

Who knew baked goods
Was the secret
To fabricating
A happy childhood?

Finally, if the plane should go down in flames
Please remember not to let anyone I went to high school with
Attend the funeral
Unless they plan on throwing themselves
Into the ground with me

I love you, but you already know that.
What you may not know
Is that if that plane were to go down
The last thing I'd think
Before entering oblivion
Would be that family photo we took at Yellowstone

When Lizzie's face was pale from vomiting up trail mix
And Madison had hickeys from local park ranger, Lou
And Jerry was temporarily blind in one eye
After a bad encounter with a mushroom
He was not at all ready for

And your father and I were exhausted
And we hated each other
And we hated the three of you

Believe it or not
Looking at that photo now
As I stand in our dining room
I think two things

1. Why did we ever hang that God awful photo up in the dining room?
2. All that agony we thought was hatred? That was family.

So if I can impart one lesson to you
It's this

Years later
Horrible experiences will seem funny
And touching
And wonderful

As long as you have them with family

So have them
Have lots of them

And maybe by the grace of God
I won't have to be there when you do

Love, Just in Case
Mom