Section Two

Mr. Pretlan, I understand that you're upset.

You've been dead for about two hours
And no one has bothered to explain
Procedure to you yet

Allow me to do so

You CANNOT be reunited with Brian Thistle
Because Mr. Thistle is living with his wife
In Section Seven

Section Seven is where men live
With their wives
After both spouses have died

Single people live in Section Seventeen

Single people are allowed to visit their parents
In Section Seven
But since Mr. Thistle was not a relative
You will not be permitted to visit him

Yes, Mr. Pretlan, I am FULLY aware
Of the relationship you and Mr. Thistle shared on Earth
But you are no longer ON Earth

Now, you are in my domain, Mr. Pretlan
And in my domain
You are Section Seventeen
And Mr. Thistle is in Section Seven

If you take issue with this
Feel free to file a report
Which will never be read
Or acknowledged

Please understand, Mr. Pretlan
It's not that I want you to be unhappy
It's actually the exact opposite

I want you to be happy
You're in Heaven after all

You should be happy

But Mr. Thistle also needs to be happy
And so does Mrs. Thistle

And if I let you visit Mr. Thistle in Section Seven
Then Mrs. Thistle will not be happy
And chances are
Neither will you or Mr. Thistle

I would suggest that you retire to Section Seventeen
And meet another nice man who also lives in Section Seventeen
And just forget about Brian Thistle

Doesn't that sound good?

. . . . .

Mr. Pretlan, I have a long, long list of people
Who have problems with Heaven

When I took this job
I had no idea
That the complaint line in Heaven
Would be so long

I couldn't even believe there WAS a complaint line in Heaven

After all
This is Heaven

But apparently
Making EVERYONE happy
Is what I'm destined
To spend eternity doing

All this because on Earth
I was mean to waitresses
And doing this job
Is the only way I get to stay up here

Luckily for me
Doing this job WELL
Is not a requirement

So yes, I often fail
At making everyone happy

The other day
I had a mother ask me
Where her son was

I told her that her son murdered a man on Earth
And that he wouldn't be joining her in Heaven

She said, 'Sir, I lived a good life, didn't I?'
I said, 'Obviously you did, ma'am, you're here.'
She replied, 'Then I'm supposed to be happy, right?'
I said, 'Yes, ma'am, you are.'
She looked at me and said--

'I won't be happy without my son.'

Now what am I supposed to say to that?

Even better
If I were to get God to forgive her son
I'm still pretty confident I wouldn't be able to get the wife
Of the man he killed
To forgive her son
Or the actual man himself
Who also happens to be up here

So how do you win?

The entire concept of Heaven
Was not really well thought out

In the Beginning, it was easy

Good and Bad
Virtuous and Evil
Cain and Abel

Now eons later
Everyone's connected
Everyone has opinions about each other
Everyone wants everyone else thrown out of Heaven

I haven't taken a vacation since the 1700's, Mr. Pretlan
Does that mean anything to you?

. . . . .

Look

I may have...oversimplified things a bit
When I said that married couples live in Section Seven

Married couples DO live in Section Seven
But they've a very specific SORT of married couple

They're...uh...married couples
Who may not have had the most...

Joyous...union

The husbands who live in Section Seven
Are very much like you and Mr. Thistle, Mr. Pretlan
Although none of their wives know that

If you truly feel
That not seeing Mr. Thistle
Will hinder your ability to be happy
Here in Heaven

Then I would suggest a trip to Section Twenty-Two
Where Mr. Thistle may be able to join you
If he happens to be called away on business

We don't actually HAVE business up here
Aside from the administrative nonsense
That I'm forced to do
But Mrs. Thistle doesn't need to know that

The nice thing about time up here
Is that a vacation can last up to a few centuries
And Mrs. Thistle would feel like only a few moments had gone by

So...that would be my suggestion

Go to Section Seventeen
Pack a suitcase
And head five Sections up

I'll send word to Mr. Thistle

. . . . .

I haven't exactly got Heaven figured out yet, Mr. Pretlan
Until then I'm doing the best I can

I plan on retiring one day
Once a man very much like you and Mr. Thistle
Makes his way up here

Then he and I will take a trip to Section Twenty-Two
And settle down there until Heaven becomes just a word
In a promise
In a dictionary
In an old book
That nobody reads anymore

Then someone else will take my place
And I'll be happy to turn it over
And sad for the person who gets it

But I do look forward to Section Twenty-Two

Who knows, Mr. Pretlan?

Maybe I'll see you there