I Will Object

You better not invite me
To your wedding

You better not

Because if I am invited
I will sit quietly
I will steeeeewwww

Then when the priest asks
If anyone has any objections

I will object

I WILL OB-JECT

I will not sit in a house of God
And sit silently
While he looks down on me
Shaking his head

Like he's saying--

'I know you're not going to let this happen, Missy!'

So I'll have to say something
Then you'll get mad
And I'll get yelled at
By your father
Who don't have any problem
Sitting and doing nothing
Because that's all he ever does anyway
And God will deal with him
When he gets the chance

But I cannot do that
Because I am your mother
And God judges mothers
With a harsher hand

So I will object
I will HAVE TO object

Not because he's a bad guy
But because you're too young
And too damn optimistic
To be getting married

Nobody should get married
Until they've resolved themselves
To the cruelty of the world

Because that's what you learn
When you get married
You learn about cruelty

You learn that you work your ass off
For money that you spend
On getting a furnace fixed

You learn that you have a rage inside you
You never knew existed
Until you see your husband flirting
With the hooker across the street

You learn that your children
Are determined to lead the life you led
Even as they're criticizing you
For leading it

Cruel, cruel, cruel

You haven't learned about cruelty yet, baby
I sheltered you from the cruelty
But this shelter just lost its roof
You wanna see cruelty
Then invite me to your wedding
And watch me object

Because I will
I will NEED TO object

I won't have any choice

So if I were you
I'd consider
Inviting me to the reception

Because though I may object to this marriage
As long as I'm paying for it
I might as well get an open bar out of it